Too Filthy To Go Inside...

I tried to clean up so I could go to church this morning. I found a clean pair of pants and an acceptable shirt. Shaved and cleaned up as best I could. But I still feel filthy and don't have the guts to go inside. It also has to do with all of this anger inside me. It has made me so bitter I don't want to try to put on a phony front of, "I'm fine and you?". I don't hide my feelings well at all. I know I'm not supposed to let that prevent me from going in to worship the Lord. But it had me stalled in the parking lot. I want to overcome this anger but right now it had crippled me. I've prayed that this anger will leave me and that I can continue on and crawl back above ground. But I'm angry at God for letting this happen to me. I can't get past it.

I know God loves me and I know He has helped me through all the tough times in my life. But how He allowed this to happen to me is being me. To have such a major setback happen when I had struggled so hard to get out of this hole just boggles my mind. In my entire life He had never allowed such evil to damage me. I know He was the reason I was able to get through the devastation of my car wreck, all the operations, my mom's death, my drinking and substance abuse, my many failures in all areas of my life. And I know I was the one who caused all of those problems. But this time I know I don't deserve to have such a huge problem to deal with when I didn't do what I was accused of. It was all distorted and set up by someone who was guilty of far worse crimes - some against me! - and she gets away with doing this. Please tell me why. It sucks and I will not just accept it. I want to know why. And I want it fixed. I don't find any of it a learning experience. These things aren't teaching me anything but how to be angry. I just can't accept it. So how do I overcome the anger so I can face life each day and not start each day feeling defeated. Because that's how I feel and it won't go away...