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Sunday, November 16, 2014

I wish the past 3 months never happened...


Saturday, November 8, 2014

......I keep asking myself-

How Did I Fall So Far?

November 8, 2014

I still can't understand how I fell so deep in love with her. What was it that let me override my brain and let myself get so hung up on her. She's attractive but that ever present scowl that she had on her face sometimes made her look scary! She would treat me like dirt at times and talk down to me. And go off on me without any reason and take it too far. She never did anything special for me. In fact she played me off on my birthday when we had planned something special. I think that was the first time she used the excuse about the anniversary of you know who. And there were so many lies and half truths. As well as false accusations. "Your seeing someone!" "You stole my drill!" "You stole my tools!" "You broke my window!" "You were in my backyard!" "You got high!" "I was testing you!"

But there were the times she'd be so great to be with. When she would be so happy to see me. Want me to go with her somewhere. When she would want my opinion on something. Tell me we would go somewhere special.

But now she just treats me with contempt. Puts me down. Acts like it was just her addictions that made her want anything to do with me. Caused her to sleep with me.

And yes I could see she was drinking too much, using too much, taking way too many pills and denying she took any. Or only took half of one. But I could tell. I knew she was lying.

But I never realized how much they affected her thinking. It doesn't do that to me and didn't in the past when I drank. But it did her. So now I only question a whole year when she made me feel so good. Made me want to try harder. Do better. The special I felt was just a joke to her. Her little game. A way to kill boredom. Fill the void in her life.

But it turns out she has found God and she's now an authority on the subject. But I bet she still has her icons. Her Evil Eye and all the trinkets above her windows and doors. Don't tell her that its idol worship and there is even a commandment forbidding it. Its not as high on the list as the one she broke with me. But its there. 

So I fell in love and got tossed to the wolves as she lied to get her restraining order and doesn't care how much damage it causes me. And why should she care. She got rid of me and made the perfect cover for her current commandment breaker. Isn't that how she always comes through. Tossing it all under the bus as she turns her back and claims she's innocent of all wrong. That she's a victim and not the assailant.

I just wonder what will happen when she finds out she chose a chester to save her. Because the night his wife came looking for me when she wanted me to burn her house down because she hated her so much his wife let it slip that not only was he cheating on her with her but that it happened before . . . maybe last year . . . but that he was doing things to his kids when he got drunk. And I pray he doesn't get the chance to do things to her grandson. But you've got God now and He will protect you and guide you. Just like He did for you all those years ago...

Friday, November 7, 2014

.........Can I ever believe anyone again?

Would I Want To???........

November 7, 2014

I have been fed so many lies lately I don't see how I wilevl ever believe anyone anymore. And it was mostly those I put the most trust in who lied to me the most and hurt me the worst. And for such a bullshit excuse that I was given I am in disbelief. I will have so much anger inside of me for so long I will likely die still harboring some of it because it was done with malice intent.  That constitutes such an evil that I cringe. That someone could yank the chains on another's heart and claim to love them so much and only days later - more like hours later! - stab them in the back while insulting them flagrantly and doing it with harm intended while accusing the other of threats to harm them is so evil and disgusting it makes me hate people in general. With valid reason. To top it off they claim to have found God and they are now living His word yet their actions are just the opposite. They create a major mess in someone's life based on lies and now they've found God so they won't deal with anything from before. That means the problems they put on someone else's shoulders will stay because they won't deal with cleaning up the mess they made. So I continue to battle the bull shit while trying to rebuild my life again. It stinks when you consider I spent almost 2 years getting to an acceptable level comfort and then have the rug yanked just to hide your hanky panky with the pill pusher.....

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

What This All Started About...

Before She Sidetracked Me...



July 29, 2013

Please read the following account of what has been done to me and I think once you read it and go to the links I have included to see the pictures and video you’ll see how wrong this all was. And I hope it will make you angry enough that you’ll help me expose the guilty parties and hopefully justice will then be served upon the corrupt individuals who committed these crimes and robbed me of my family home, my security and my retirement!

In October of 2010 I was the victim of a fire in the house I inherited 6 years prior when my mother passed away. This was the house I grew up in that my family bought in 1963 when I was in 3rd grade at Thomas Edison. The problem was that I had no insurance on the dwelling. The last year my mother was alive my sister and I decided to let the insurance lapse and use the money saved to better take care of her needs. I was her full time care provider and thought that after her death I would return to full time employment and reinstate the insurance when I could better afford it. Except after her passing in October 2004 I had trouble finding a job that paid as well as what I made before I left the work force to take care of her. And I fell further behind before I found a decent job and was still catching up when the fire occurred.

So as I found myself with a major mess on my hands I dove in and was doing the best I could. Better than most expected and I was maintaining a positive outlook and saw things getting better. Until I was attacked by an out of control Code Enforcement that was hell bent on destroying me. They went to extremes to turn each of my successes into failures

A few days after the fire I was sitting in the front yard behind the chain link fence fixing a flat tire on my mountain bike when a county car drove up and a wild, screaming bitch jumped out and started in on me. She wanted to know what I was doing and who I was. I told her fixing my tire and I was the owner of the house. She asked my name and after I told her she said that wasn’t the name of the home owner. The house was still under my mom’s name so I pointed out the first name was different but it was the same last name. She screamed some more and found out I was much louder and much more profane than she was and a much more skilled debater. Then a sheriff car pulled up and it nappened to be an officer I recognized who remembered me. He found out what was happening and took the bitch across the street and after a moment he told her to go apologize to me. She wasn’t happy with it but she did and I hung up my cell phone as I was talking to Channel 3 News telling them what was happening. They wouldn’t believe me so I just hung up..

Having no other choice I stayed living in the house during one of the coldest, wettest winters in recent memory. I had boarded up the blown out windows, boarded up the burned doors, covered the roof with a huge tarp, put a chain link fence around the property and had a dumpster in the driveway. I hauled wheel barrow after wheel barrow of ashes, burned wood, furniture, sheet rock, family and personal memorabilia and what ever was in the house out to the dumpster. At night I would wash pictures and then dry them by the fire place or a propane heater. Then I boxed them along with anything else of value – real or sentimental – and stack them in the kitchen area.

I had made the burned out shell of the living room into a shelter by hanging tarps from the rafters around the fire place area where I had a couch and table. Then there were tarps over the walls and blankets and rags stuffed into the cracks keeping the wind from blowing through somewhat. It created a space around me that acted as an insulating barrier. Over time I got each room cleared out and eventually the farthest room back – the master bedroom – was set up with the dresser I had saved and a few other pieces of furniture and the couch which I used as a bed to sleep on. I had 2 dogs at the time and they slept back there with me helping to keep me warm. And my laptop was set up back there which I used daily for writing, researching the internet, communication via email and text messaging, watching programs on Hulu and Crackle and creating a web page.

After salvaging a great deal of photos and other family history and memorabilia and boxing it up for taking to a storage place some time soon I had a big set back. It was sometime around January of 2011 and I had gone to breakfast with the dogs same as I did every morning up to Safeway and MacDonalds. I returned to the house before noon to continue my clean up and arrived to find 2 white vans, one backed into the driveway and the other in the street yet nobody was in the house. But I did find all of the boards I had put over the windows and doors – which were approved by Code Enforcement – yanked down and new plywood nailed into their place. I also found my chain link gate with the lock cut, my tarps all ripped down, the tent out front I used as a shelter in the day to protect things I salvaged was trampled down with my own wheel barrow on top of it. The antique dresser I had in the kitchen that I stored salvaged items in was turned over, the drawers tossed into the living room, the mirror from it tossed and shattered, too, and each and every box of salvaged items tossed onto the floor and into the fire place. Among these items was my mother’s ashes! I was mad enough to kill and planned to do just that as I grabbed my red fiberglass handled ax and went out the front looking for the chicken shit bastards that had done this.

What greeted me was 3 – yes 3! – Sacramento County Sheriff cars each with 2 officers rolling up and heading toward me. They started questioning me and one in particular was a total smart ass who, after asking what I was doing there and I responded that I was cleaning up after the fire said, after looking in the door and seeing the mess, .”Your not doing a very good job!”  If my ax were in my hand at that time he would have found out what a tree feels like when its chopped down…

I was searched, all of my belongings were either thrown on to of the garbage containers or onto the dirt, insulted and belittled and informed that I had a warrant for my arrest for failure to appear on a traffic citation. The court date was about the time of the fire for a ticket I received for driving on a suspended license. Some how I had forgotten the court date in all the turmoil of the fire. I was then told that either I took my dogs and left or I was going to jail. I had no choice but to leave. If it was so important then why would 6 Sheriff let me go free? And nowhere were the 2 Code Nazis that instigated this fiasco. To describe them as chicken shits is more complimentary than derogatory. They were definitely diluting the gene pool.

I was forced off my own property when I should have been given the opportunity to file charges for vandalizing my property. But very reluctantly I took my 2 dogs and rode off on my bicycle.

 That night I returned and peeled a board off the back of the house to gain entry and I stayed the night. I woke early and after I changed clothes the dogs and I went to Safeway for breakfast. The workers returned to finish the job they started the day before. I returned that night and went about re-establishing the house for my access and repairing the chain link fence and gate that was damaged when Code Enforcement accessed my property. I also had to repair the side gate that the idiots had broken open and left that way giving anyone easy access to the back yard! They obviously didn’t care about the safety of anyone who might wander in to the yard. They were only interested in getting me out. Again, they did a poor job all around…

They had posted a notice on the house exterior informing me of a hearing concerning the “dangerous” building. About a month later as I was working on the next door neighbors front yard, which I was roto tilling with a friend up pulled Code Enforcement and I went charging over to block them from the property. They were posting another notice but I was more interested in telling the evil son of a bitch how foul he was for dumping my mom’s ashes on the floor along with all of the pictures, books, memorabilia, etc. I told him he would rot in hell! He tried to argue back but I didn’t let up and I only got louder and louder.

I finally pushed the right buttons and he told me to come out from behind the fence and we would, “settle it like men!” I barked back that I wasn’t going to let him set me up to call the sheriff.  He stated that he wasn’t  going to call the cops so I was out the gate and in his face. He wouldn’t swing so finally I faked a jump at him and screamed real loud. That forced his hand and the fist thing he did was go for his walkie-talkie!!! I told him he was a 2-faved lying piece of shit. He was making his retreat then as he got in his truck. And with my cell phone in hand I exclaimed, “That’s okay because 911 records it al!”

His jaw dropped and he looked at his partner whose mouth was equally wide open and they both started whispering to each other as I spun 180 degrees and walked back to my roto tiller laughing my head off!



Posted by Gregory Neukam at 3:37 AM  
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Friday, July 26, 2013
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Gregory Neukam  2/04/13  Keep this message at the top of your inbox
To: susanpeters@saccounty.net
Picture of Gregory Neukam


THESE ARE A COUPLE OF EMAILS SENT TO THE COUNTY SUPERVISOR SUSAN PETERS:





Dear Ms. Peters:

I had contacted your office last year concerning the out of control behavior of the code enforcement officers dealing with my property at 1400 Keeney Way. They succeeded in demolishing my family house which had been damaged in a fire in October 2010. I have a few issues I would like to bring to your attention and hope that something can be done about them. I'm not even sure where to start...

One of the major issues is when, in early 2011, they invaded my home while I was at breakfast and tossed all the belongings I had salvaged and boxed from the rubbish into the middle of the living room floor including my mother's ashes. I have complained before of this sickening act but so far no action. It was devastating enough to see family pictures and albums, records and news articles, etc. that I spent weeks digging out, washing and drying, then boxing up just scattered into a pile on the floor but so see my mother's remains dumped out made me mad enough to kill. I hope nobody ever has to experience that. If given the chance today I would still remove Munoz's and Chamberlain's family jewels and stuff them down their throats...

Besides the times they came in with the sheriff and arrested me for living in MY OWN HOUSE they did nothing whatsoever to assist in my personal disaster but harass me, slander me and tell neighbors total lies concerning me and the fire. 2 weeks before they tore the house down new people moved in across the street and they told them that the fire was started when my meth lab blew up! Over the past year I have become good friends with these people and they told me this when they hired me to overhaul their yard. I almost didn't get the job except their next door neighbor, Julie McGuire is a good friend as well as the daughter of my sophomore Encina High School English teacher (I've lived in this neighborhood almost 58 years - I know everyone...), set them straight when she heard of this. They also claimed I was dealing drugs and other criminal activities of which they were wrong in each and all of their accusations. Maybe a lawsuit will remedy this the most effectual way...

Just before they were set to tear the house down they came in and faked - yes, faked! - an asbestos test and claimed the house had it in it and there fore had to have a $15,000 clean up before being torn down. The reason I know they faked it, besides watching the kid that did the test, is that years ago when it was learned asbestos materials were used in the construction of Arden Manor houses we had the house checked and it was determined by people who know what they're talking about that there wasn't any asbestos used. It was brought to my attention that the wife of one of the code ass holes is also his supervisor at code enforcement and she either owned or has a business interest in the company that did the clean up. Isn't that called conflict of interest? And with the house torn down 2 weeks later it seems the evidence is gone. Maybe another lawsuit is in order...

But wait, there's more. The evidence really isn't gone. It appears that the demo crew didn't do what I know their contract called for since I was there when the bids were being taken that required ALL AND EVERYTHING INCLUDING THE FOUNDATION, DRIVEWAY, PATIO CEMENT WAS TO BE REMOVED! There are items, including cement from the patio, burred in the former backyard. I know because I dug it up. Is the word lawsuit coming to mind again?

Now let me put some thoughts in your head. If there was no asbestos in the house then $15,000 of MY MONEY was unnecessarily wasted I would conjecture because one supervisor and her code enforcement husband could make a nice chunk of change. Not to mention the employees of this company who spoke no English and scrambled the day I sat outside and yelled, "Federalles!" I thought it was cute and I don't have to be politically correct... Maybe not a lawsuit here but definitely a little negative press.

On the other hand if this asbestos thing was real then why wasn't it brought to my attention before I spent 16-months endangering my health in it. Surely, this wasn't a last minute thought they had. It would have been standard procedure to check for this at the beginning and not the end. There's a lot of mesothelioma  lawyers advertising their services all the time on tv. I won't even bring the "L" word up again...

To sum things up I'd like you to consider the facts here. I have lived at this address since 1963 and from 1955 when I was born to 1963 I lived at 1425 Morse Ave. less than a quarter of a mile away. I went to Thomas Edison Elementary, Jonas Salk Intermediate and Encina High Schools and American River College. There aren't but maybe 5 other people who have lived in this neighborhood longer than I have. I have been reduced to a homeless bum scrounging for cans and plastic to eat everyday. I was close to retirement at which time I would have obtained a reverse mortgage to supplement my Social Security so I could survive my last days comfortably. I'm surrounded with neighbors who like me and I like them. They rely on me to fix things for them as well as keep an eye out for their property. Not to be vain but I AM AN INTEGRAL PART of what made this area a desirable place to live, unlike the Morse Ave. apartments that brought ghetto to our neighborhood. Apartments that at one time were owned by a bunch of sheriff who invested in it for their retirements and were integral in it's downturn to a slum. And yet I've been destroyed by a couple of useless peons with a badge. A couple of garbage cops. That's all they are: GARBAGE COPS! I have nothing left to loose. And I've been honest in stating that I have a temper. And that I'm very angry. This is not a healthy mix. But it is a great formula for bypassing the lawsuits and going right to the passing out of justice and serving of punishment...

I used to wonder what pushed people to go postal. I found the answer to that mystery about 10-months ago...


Gregory Neukam


From: neukam1@hotmail.com
To: susanpeters@saccounty.net
Subject: 1400 Keeney Way
Date: Mon, 4 Feb 2013 17:43:31 -0800

Dear Ms. Peters:

I left out one important point. I got a letter telling me that the property would be auctioned of by the tax assessor on February 25, 2013. The minimum bid was listed at $78,500. I almost died laughing... Do they realize there is no house left? No walls, no foundation, no nothing. And now that they are aware of the possible toxic waste buried there the law states that any known issues with the property have to be told to potential buyers. FULL DISCLOSURE!!!

The sad part of it all is that if the dumb ass code nazis would have left the house like it was and stayed the hell away the property was worth about $50,000 and would have sold easily. I know because I had 2 parties ready to buy it until the idiots pulled up while I was talking to them BOTH TIMES! And it scared the buyers off. They both said they wouldn't get involved when the code bastards were involved. They had seen what kind of crap they pull. Like what the City of Sacramento Code criminals did to Mario Marino (I think that was his name) when they tore down his family home and they were caught taking bribes from developers that wanted the property. Kinda seems familiar to me...

And if the dumb fucks would have stayed out of my face the property would have sold, the tax man would have got his money, the liens would have been paid and I would of at least had enough money left to start over. Instead, everybody looses. Oh, except the crooked bastards that faked the toxic test and did an unnecessary over priced and poorly executed job. Its no wonder government is broke and this country is going down the tubes. Fowl people should be stoned or tarred and feathered like they used to do. I'm sure you don't really care. I have no address now so I can't even vote against you, let alone support you. Doesn't it scare you that these are all signs of a civilization in decline? Look at the Romans, the Greeks, the Ottoman Empire, the czarist Russians, the Jews in Biblical times, etc. Because of nobody trying to right the wrongs they all failed. And America will follow what history has shown us is inevitable. There is no perfect system because they all have the one flaw that ensures failure. The human factor. Greed and corruption. Abuse of power. The state always fails in the end. I just didn't ever think that I would be so close to the failures of society. This experience has taught me to be more sympathetic to the "nuts" who have been guilty of trying to fight back in their extreme fashions. Ted may have been more right than I would ever have given him credit for. Its sick. Just like the system that stole my future.

Gregory Neukam



Posted by Gregory Neukam at 5:41 AM  
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Wednesday, July 24, 2013
I am attempting to find some help with a serious problem that nobody seems to care about except me. Yes, I am the one who is mainly affected in this but I don’t know where to turn for assistance trying to right the wrong and put an end to this happening again.

In October of 2010 I was the victim of a fire in the house I inherited 6 years prior from my mother. The problem was that I had no insurance on the dwelling. The last year my mother was alive my sister and I decided to let the insurance lapse and use the money saved to better take care of her needs. I was her full time care provider and thought that after her death I would return to full time employment and reinstate the insurance when I could better afford it. Except after her passing in October 2004 I had trouble finding a job that paid as well as what I made before I left the work force to take care of her. And I fell further behind before I found a decent job and was still catching up when the fire occurred.

So as I found myself with a major mess on my hands I dove in and was doing the best I could. Better than most expected and I was maintaining a positive outlook and saw things getting better. Until I was attacked by an out of control Code Enforcement that was hell bent on destroying me. They went to extremes to turn each of my successes into failures

A few days after the fire I was sitting in the front yard behind the chain link fence fixing a flat tire on my mountain bike when a county car drove up and a wild, screaming bitch jumped out and started in on me. She wanted to know what I was doing and who I was. I told her fixing my tire and I was the owner of the house. She asked my name and after I told her she said that wasn’t the name of the home owner. The house was still under my mom’s name so I pointed out the first name was different but it was the same last name. She screamed some more and found out I was much louder and much more profane than she was and a much more skilled debater. Then a sheriff car pulled up and it nappened to be an officer I recognized who remembered me. He found out what was happening and took the bitch across the street and after a moment he told her to go apologize to me. She wasn’t happy with it but she did and I hung up my cell phone as I was talking to Channel 3 News telling them what was happening. They wouldn’t believe me so I just hung up..

Having no other choice I stayed living in the house during one of the coldest, wettest winters in recent memory. I had boarded up the blown out windows, boarded up the burned doors, covered the roof with a huge tarp, put a chain link fence around the property and had a dumpster in the driveway. I hauled wheel barrow after wheel barrow of ashes, burned wood, furniture, sheet rock, family and personal memorabilia and what ever was in the house out to the dumpster. At night I would wash pictures and then dry them by the fire place or a propane heater. Then I boxed them along with anything else of value – real or sentimental – and stack them in the kitchen area.

I had made the burned out shell of the living room into a shelter by hanging tarps from the rafters around the fire place area where I had a couch and table. Then there were tarps over the walls and blankets and rags stuffed into the cracks keeping the wind from blowing through somewhat. It created a space around me that acted as an insulating barrier. Over time I got each room cleared out and eventually the farthest room back – the master bedroom – was set up with the dresser I had saved and a few other pieces of furniture and the couch which I used as a bed to sleep on. I had 2 dogs at the time and they slept back there with me helping to keep me warm. And my laptop was set up back there which I used daily for writing, researching the internet, communication via email and text messaging, watching programs on Hulu and Crackle and creating a web page.

After salvaging a great deal of photos and other family history and memorabilia and boxing it up for taking to a storage place some time soon I had a big set back. It was sometime around January of 2011 and I had gone to breakfast with the dogs same as I did every morning up to Safeway and MacDonalds. I returned to the house before noon to continue my clean up and arrived to find 2 white vans, one backed into the driveway and the other in the street yet nobody was in the house. But I did find all of the boards I had put over the windows and doors – which were approved by Code Enforcement – yanked down and new plywood nailed into their place. I also found my chain link gate with the lock cut, my tarps all ripped down, the tent out front I used as a shelter in the day to protect things I salvaged was trampled down with my own wheel barrow on top of it. The antique dresser I had in the kitchen that I stored salvaged items in was turned over, the drawers tossed into the living room, the mirror from it tossed and shattered, too, and each and every box of salvaged items tossed onto the floor and into the fire place. Among these items was my mother’s ashes! I was mad enough to kill and planned to do just that as I grabbed my red fiberglass handled ax and went out the front looking for the chicken shit bastards that had done this.

What greeted me was 3 – yes 3! – Sacramento County Sheriff cars each with 2 officers rolling up and heading toward me. They started questioning me and one in particular was a total smart ass who, after asking what I was doing there and I responded that I was cleaning up after the fire said, after looking in the door and seeing the mess, .”Your not doing a very good job!”  If my ax were in my hand at that time he would have found out what a tree feels like when its chopped down…

I was searched, all of my belongings were either thrown on to of the garbage containers or onto the dirt, insulted and belittled and informed that I had a warrant for my arrest for failure to appear on a traffic citation. The court date was about the time of the fire for a ticket I received for driving on a suspended license. Some how I had forgotten the court date in all the turmoil of the fire. I was then told that either I took my dogs and left or I was going to jail. I had no choice but to leave. If it was so important then why would 6 Sheriff let me go free? And nowhere were the 2 Code Nazis that instigated this fiasco. To describe them as chicken shits is more complimentary than derogatory. They were definitely diluting the gene pool.


I was forced off my own property when I should have been given the opportunity to file charges for vandalizing my property. But I left very reluctantly.
Posted by Gregory Neukam at 1:54 AM  
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Monday, July 22, 2013
July 22, 2013

It's been a while since I wrote anything here - or anywhere! - so I guess I need to get back in the habit...

Where in  the middle of a hot, hot summer in Sacramento. I acquired a 1988 Chevy 29'  Komfort RV last October and I've been living in it on my old property. After a house fire in October 2010 county Code Enforcement ran over me and tore the house down in March of 2012. The house was structurally sound and it needed, mostly, a new roof. There was damage to the studs around the front door and out the opening from the living room to the patio where the sliding door was - that was the hot spot of the fire -  and all the windows were blown out in the fire. But the structure was good. Yet the Nazi bastards tore the entire house down including removing the foundation, driveway and patio! Barry Chamberlain and Paul Munoz were the ass holes that caused this action. They even used a fake asbestos test to justify a $15,000 Hazardous Clean-up that was done by a company that Cecelia Perez, the wife of Munoz and his supervisor at Code Enforcement, had some business interest in (conflict of interest!!!) yet they got away with this move. The property was worth approximately $70,000 before they tore it down. Now it's worth less than $10,000 and that's being very optimistic. This was such a gross act of injustice it makes my blood boil just thinking about it. They robbed me of my future security and left me financially ruined. There were other major wrongs committed prior to this and along with it. Major wrongs!

Like the day they entered my home when I was at breakfast and tossed all the boxes full of personal things I had salvaged, washed, dried and boxed up into the middle of the living room floor, including my mother's ashes which wer scattered on the floor! Broke to pieces an antique dresser that had been restored before the fire and was un damaged - until they destroyed it.

WOW! Talk about coincidence--- I just had a visit from the Sheriff Dept. Sgt. Matthew Reali came by to give me the heads up on Code Enforcement. Sgt. Reali has been the only official who has been a help during this past few years. He let me know that Code Enforcement would be here Wednesday to cite me for camping on my property. He's been running interference for me through the last part of this mess and I appreciate it more than he will ever know...

Well, this is enough for now. I gotta get some things handled today so that they won't have a thing to cite me for. Someday I'm going to have my chance to "cite" them and that may be a day coming soon...

From Then To When And Back To Now...

And How Can Now Be Then...


“You often meet your fate on the road you take to avoid it.” ― Goldie Hawn
September 18, 2013

Quote Me On That...

Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation.” ― Graham Greene

I wish I could remember the exact words as well as the author but one of my favorite quotes went something like this: "There is a comfort in madness that none but mad men know..."
I'm quite sure that is probably a little scary to those who consider themselves less than mad men - those of the moral majority who try so to conform to the standards of society and seek security as well as possibly prosperity from "playing by the rules" and not causing waves nor stirring up the dust or rattling others cages, just going with the flow and all that. I think some even consider it a mark of superiority. And there's nothing wrong with that conformity, nothing at all. Blending in is very homogeneous. It just doesn't have a lot of appeal to me personally. Does that mean I'm "homophobic"? Only if the blender is plugged in somewhere in Lavender Heights!

 “If other people do not understand our behavior—so what? Their request that we must only do what they understand is an attempt to dictate to us. If this is being “asocial” or “irrational” in their eyes, so be it. Mostly they resent our freedom and our courage to be ourselves. We owe nobody an explanation or an accounting, as long as our acts do not hurt or infringe on them. How many lives have been ruined by this need to “explain,” which usually implies that the explanation be “understood,” i.e. approved. Let your deeds be judged, and from your deeds, your real intentions, but know that a free person owes an explanation only to himself—to his reason and his conscience—and to the few who may have a justified claim for explanation.” ― Erich Fromm

Sometimes the therapy in writing comes through what others have written before if they have so eloquently conveyed the thoughts that were shared.

“Happiness is not the absence of problems; it’s the ability to deal with them.” ― Steve Maraboli

I do believe the happiness is the result of the results that ability produces...



From Last Christmas . . . What It Was All About. . . 


It can be so hard to see it...
December 2, 2013

When Its Right There...

I had the pleasure of helping a youngster who lives with his grandmother decorate the house for Christmas and it was a great reminder of what Christmas is supposed to be about and how the simple things really do mean more than anything else. We hung lights on the house, set up the Elmo blow-up balloon, went and got a tree, etc. And it put a smile on this 9-year old child's face that was worth a million bucks. He's with his grandmother while his mother gets her life sorted out and back on track. And as a surprise, she is going to show up on Christmas morning in a big box left at the door. After the wonderful time I had this past weekend I can't wait to see his face that day. Its been over 2 years since he's seen his mom and he really misses her, of course. This could be the best Christmas I'll ever remember as I watch from the sideline as the two are reunited. I'll have to write more on this later but I have some things to do first...

And as an added bonus his grandmother has gotten her Christmas spirit back and has gone all out putting all this into motion. And when grandma gets the mistletoe toe posted in the right place I think I'll hold her under it for a few days and get into the Christmas spirit as well. WOW! No, WOWOWOW!!! 


Sunday, October 5, 2014

How Do I Say Good-Bye...

When You Won't Say Why...

October 5, 2014

I just don't know how I can say good-bye to someone who has been the biggest part of my life for the last year. We were together everyday for hours and ended each night in a special way. And, yes, there were some rough times and the hiding and lies made it seem worse than it should. But to end things in such a hateful way complete with a bigger lie and a ludicrous set=up just makes you look like an evil bitch or a psychotic lunatic or both! Yes there were times you seemed a bit of each but for the most part the woman I fell for was a little extreme but always genuine and caring in her way.

So how can I turn away from the person I knew who meant the world to me and made me believe I was that special to her, too. I don't want to believe she was just acting all that time. Parts of it, yes, but not always. She couldn't  have endured some of the events we went through without something there to care deeply about. And while I always suspected she had some issues of the mind I didn't see them as being that radical. But something snapped when September began anmd it snapped and stung and shredded to pieces what we had and tore the magic that made it from her heart.

And she went from loving me to hating me overnight and won't even yell me why. Won't explain how she got it in her head that I want to hurt her or her family in some terrible way. When it was her that has gotten violent and beaten me and threatened me and broke things in her anger. Yet she still does all she can to hurt me in any and every way. And all I want are answers to help me accept what's been done. Because it makes no sense how she loved me one day...and then she turned into hatred and got so out there I wonder if she will ever be sane. I only know I miss her and still cry at least once every day. It hurts so much to loose her love and hurts even more because of her love turned into evil fueled hate. How can she be so cruel as to leave me hanging this way? I won't accept that I will never have the answers I need. Nobody is that cruel and viscous. At least I never believed she could be. And until I get the answers I can't just turn away. But the answers better come soon before their absence destroys me....and it may happen in a few days. This is a lesson that didn't kill me but it didn't make me stronger either. Mostly I'm left with bitter and foul. A lousy end to anything. I just want the answer and need it soon. Or it could turn me cold and devoid of concern and ready for destruction to bring an end to the pain. I have no hope

Saturday, October 4, 2014

How You Became Such A Hater...

But Mostly Why?...

October 4, 2014

When did you become this evil hater? Out to get me. Claim I'm a "threat" to your family and yourself. Let me understand this: You go to Oregon and take me along. Great trip there. Return starts with you beating my face in. Jail. You claiming memory loss and all. And then saying alcohol was the reason and that you go off and don't remember bashing my face. And telling my sister I was the crazy one. And I'm a threat to you? 

Your little drunk dunce pulls a knife on me and falls on his fat ass. And I'm the threat? The time you stabbed me in the cheek. Broke my laptop, my van door. There is something wrong with this picture. You are just plain evil. You can't have a conscience. Not and do what you did and keep doing it. And you can't be working a 12-Step  program and doing all this falsifying of facts and constant harassment and abuse of the system. And does Reverend Cole preach these principles when he's fund raising on the "homeless" circuit? You might want to add a comment on the picture you so proudly posted on your Google+ page. Give credit where credit's due...

It's probably something to talk about when you 2 fix the meals at that other church. You know, the Church of Motel 6 of Saint Eeterdown. Come one, come all. Yes it's a mouthful but remember....she's a professional.......
.

Friday, October 3, 2014

You Know How You Tell When Someone's Hiding Something...

When They Keep Pushing Nothing...

October 3, 2014

I know now I was right in everything I said. Otherwise they wouldn't be trying so hard to hide the truth. It means they are running scared. So I was thinking today at work how maybe she was starting to realize how wrong she was and maybe feeling a bit guilty. But this time I was wrong. Mandi was right...she just doesn't care. But I thgink the real reason has to do with her income. John L. has everything he needs to dump her ass with no support. A he probably will.

A statement she made keeps coming back in my head. "I've got 4 years invested in this and nobody's going to screw it up when it's so close to an end!" Talking about her "marriage" and hpw John L.'s health was failing. APS will see that and take care of it.

And since she's called so much even the sheriff is beginning to see she is crazy. Smolich, who was steaming last time we met is becoming a little more understanding and already pegged Lori as strung out on pills. And the dork drunk as short on the uptake. The sheriff even laughed when I told them how he was playing tough guy and fell off his bike.

The real doozie was when I pointed out that there were a lot of discrepancies in their stories. The sheriff said he was noticing that, too. I offered them the chicken Lori gave me and when I rold them where it came from they both said they'd pass. I said they sure would - GAS! I wouldn't even let Xz have it. Some poor homeless guy will find it and probably shit all over himself. Poor guy.

So now I'm selling the van. It's a piece of shit and I don't want it. That way I'll be in stealth mode on foot. Nobody will see me and they'll realize if they didn't make an issue of it they would at least know where I was. And they can worry 24/7 if I really meant I wished them no harm. So do you believe me? People who lie can never recognize the truth. They aren't familiar with if. They can't see it.

So have a good night and if you hear a noise or smell a smell kr see something in the shadows and wonder if it's me. Hell no. I don't need to do a thing now. Your suffering already. Your paranoia will get you not me. Or was that a lie. Time will tell and time is now time to say good bye ya awl...

After Reading Those...

Are Your Eyes As Wet As Mine...

October 3, 2014

Or are you laughing at me now or angry that they are there. Or just indifferent. Don't really care. I hope you, too, were crying just a bit with a smile trying to break out of the chill. It was a year ago and I miss the magic. The blessed feeling from out of the past that usually never comes again. I bet you never even listened to the song...MAGIC.....Coldplay.....Did you?

I cried and I smiled and got angry a little, too. Angry because it's gone. The way it went. The lies....

And I can't let go because I won't accept that it all meant so little to you. The way that you ended things and the cruelness you threw out at me. That pious, self-righteous, your-inferior-to-me attitude that puts you above us all. It used to be tempered with the soul that connected and realized what was there. I don't even see a hint of her anywhere....

Thursday, October 2, 2014

The Things I Want To Remember...

The Things I'll Never Forget

October 1, 2014

Oh my God Liz. The only thing I expected was the truth. You have to be one of the most head twisted people on earth. Those real friends. Beat the shit out of one of them and leave them in Oregon and see how much of a friend they are. Call the cops on them for no reason and see how much of a friend they are. Stab them in the cheek and see how much of a friend they are.

You know, you still don't say what I did to deserve being treated like this. You say your working your program. It doesn't have a step that saysfuck somebody over real good when all they did was fall in love with you. A nd were you telling me a lie when you said you loved me?  

REMEMBER THESE:

lisi1062:I feel like I'm in high school or something youwokke something up in me I didn't think I would ever have back. Thank you
Feb 07 5:50 AM
gregoryneukam:your master of one method is the most effective way i have experienced
Feb 07 5:50 AM
lisi1062:my knight and shining armor who would of thought
Feb 07 5:51 AM
gregoryneukam:no nkidding but you did the same to me
Feb 07 5:52 AM
lisi1062:what the hell come back over here and fuck my brains right now
Feb 07 5:52 AM
lisi1062:no just kidding
Feb 07 5:52 AM
lisi1062:gonna get on the internet. k to see if I could find you some pills
Feb 07 5:53 AM
gregoryneukam:that first kiss in the garage....i tried to get the nerve to do that for a week and then decided to do it
Feb 07 5:53 AM
lisi1062:hooked at first touch of your lips to mine .
Feb 07 5:55 AM
gregoryneukam:i know when i damned near swallwed your tongue that i wanted all of you
Feb 07 5:55 AM
gregoryneukam:which lipsare we refering to
Feb 07 5:56 AM
lisi1062:I know that when I have int he past kissed a personincluding all both of my ex husband they had never made me feel trhat way
Feb 07 5:57 AM
lisi1062:holy shit I guess O cam
Feb 07 5:58 AM
lisi1062:holy shit I gu\ess I can't type like I use to .
Feb 07 6:01 AM
lisi1062:wow who are you typing to now .
Feb 07 6:01 AM
lisi1062:hey I'm gonna go okay I have a few thhings I need to do
Feb 07 6:02 AM
gregoryneukam:and i watch you as your all the different people you need to be each day - wella, house wife, aunt, etc - and then i get to see the teenage girl inside you come out and play i know im the luckies
Feb 07 6:02 AM
gregoryneukam:luckiest man in the world


lisi1062:were are you I am having withdraws
Feb 07 5:33 AM
gregoryneukam: do you know how good you make me feel?
Feb 07 5:34 AM
gregoryneukam:way better than yhat
Feb 07 5:34 AM
lisi1062:probably as good as you make me feel .when your not fighting . :)
Feb 07 5:34 AM
lisi1062:Hey so what do you say we try something new
Feb 07 5:35 AM
gregoryneukam:but even better is how you feel when i feel you
Feb 07 5:35 AM
gregoryneukam:alright
Feb 07 5:35 AM
gregoryneukam:what would that be
Feb 07 5:36 AM
lisi1062:I'm loving that to . No one has ever really been able to make me do what I have been doing with you so many times.
Feb 07 5:37 AM
gregoryneukam:whats that
Feb 07 5:37 AM
lisi1062:Get yourself in Liz mode and please no more argueing life is to short to spend it fighting and my time with you is precious to me
Feb 07 5:38 AM
gregoryneukam:agreed....no more fights
Feb 07 5:39 AM
lisi1062:oooooh yummy that means alot more sex


THAT"S WHAT I REMEMBER MOST....AND I NEVER WANTED IT TO END. WHY DO YOU THINK I'M STILL TRYING? HOW DO I LET GO OF THAT?I CAN'T...

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

It's All A Waste Of Time...

And I Don't Really Care Now...

October 1, 2014

Why do I waste my time putting so much effort into rebuilding my life? I've tried so hard since the cock suckers tore my house down and sent me into a tailspin. And I made progress even finding someone to fill that void that existed for so long. Only problem was she was more a detriment than an asset. She side tracked me endless times with her selfish ways. Making sure I never hung around anyone who threatened her dominance of me and my time. She didn't give a shit about what was good for me or beneficial to climbing back up to the top.

So now I've got the problem of finding a full time job and a place to live, shower, get clean clothes, etc. And going on interviews clean and neat. I had that taken care of. Until a liar and skank  decides to go psycho and flip out like the nut case she was showing she is and getting a Restraining Order to basically cut me off of the support I had. This is someone who claimed she cared and even told me she really loved me.

She succeeded for a year in helping motivate me and gave me a reason to try. And then overnight did a 180 and became the biggest hater I've ever encountered. Teaming up with the most useless drunk piece of shit she turned my world upside down because she's just plain evil. No two ways about it. The most Godless thing on earth and I had let my self fall for her hook, line and sinker. And, of course, the bitterness that now eats at me up all night and all day has robbed me of any desire to to even try. The only motivation left in me is to destroy any and all of her life. Like she is hell bent on doing to me. And after that fat, dorky, uncoordinated bastard pulled a knife on me I'm sorry I didn't remove that blade from his hand and park it 2 feet up his ample ass. Or use my machete to remove the hand that held it. If there were witnesses to the whole thing I would have. That's okay. He'll learn how Karma will sneak up on him soon and remove his pride from his person. I just wish I could be there to laugh.

So now I really don't give a rat's ass about putting effort into a useless attempt at anything. I'd rather just take a short cut to the end. A lot less wasteful in my opinion. The friend I thought I'd found was anything but. And there's no use in thinking she'll come to her senses and return to the magic that was so special. Because even if she did, at this point I'm sure I would turn my back on her and just walk away and be happy I did. So with nothing to make it worthwhile and no one to try for it's seems better to just waste more time exposing her life and ending the deception built on her lies that she hides from. The truth could set someone free...and send someone to prison. 

Whoopee ...

We're All Gonna Cry...

October 1, 2014

I kept hoping this craziness was going to end and maybe the old Liz would take control again and everything would get back to normal. That's never going to happen. And after the drunk bastard Kevin pulled a knife on me and calls the cops it's time to say it will never be good again. I would never let her near me again. I don't want to talk to her ever again. I just want to hear how much trouble she is in. Maybe which prison she ends up in. I contacted APS, CPS, the County Building Inspector and the Oregon District Attorney. They will be coming from every direction. An d she knows each one will;get her for something. The pressing charges for assault in Oregon is going to be the winner! Can't wait. Why would a drunk be leaving her house at midnight on a bicycle carrying a knife? He's protecting who? His wife and kids are alone and vulnerable but he has to go to the rescue of a woman with a husband in the house and a very formidable nephew across the street as well as a restraining order to protect her since she knows how to call the sheriff and they respond real quick. And what good could he do drunk. He fell getting off the bike. And ran when I started to get out of the van! Real manly. And that's who your fucking. This makes you "fucking Stupid". LOL LOL LOL and I don't miss your stinky pussy. Or should I say the grand canyon with hair. You turned the garage into a dining room and I know why. You could park a fucking car in there an d still have room for the bicycles. And thanks for the song. What bull shit. I take mine back. There was no magic. If there was, you'd disappear! Like this.... POOF!

Your Drunk Boyfriend...

Just Threatened Me With A Knife...

October 1, 2014

Thought you quit drinking. But you lied. Nothing new there. But your boyfriend just threatened me with a knife. This has gotten ridiculous. And it looks like my life is being threatened. Maybe now somebody will listen. And the truth will be revealed and those guilty of a crime will be exposed. God is watching.....and showing. Enjoy your freedom....while it lasts. One, two, three STRIKES your out. What were you afraid of last Christmas when you attacked your daughter? Strike! Not looking good.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

I Guess Having You Care...

Is More Curse Than Blessing...

September 30, 2014

How many times did you tell me you truly cared about me? A hundred times maybe. And many times you proved it with the little things you did. Coffee, breakfast, heater in the winter, Slurpee, etc. But to have you get a Restraining Order and basically cut me out of your life completely and to call the sheriff every time you see me? What is that? And not even explain to me why? I could do with a lot less of your care...

You Said You Loved Me...

But You Always Lie...

September 30, 2014

On the last day of last month we were on our way to Oregon and having the best time together we ever had. Stops along the way to make love were incredible. You were openly saying nhow much you loved me. Saying you were almost 52 and couldn't believe how you felt so much for me. I was sure we had reached a new level in our relationship.

Then in Oregon it went all bad. And after I returned to Sacramento on a Greyhound bus we went to Safeway on Thursday or Friday night and you again stated how much you loved me as we wandered around the store. But the very next night it all came undone. That fat drunk Kevin kept cruising by and stopping in front of your house. 5 or 6 times he did this. We had planned to meet and sneak in your room.  Then your texts got all weird. You saying I had "company" and saying I must have better plans than the one's we made. Then asking if I was in the back yard. I was at my van. I said it looked like some one in your back yard. Then you stopped texting and came out in the street on your phone screaming at  me.

I left on my bike at that point and later that day I learned your husband's window was broke. And Mandi told me you saw me in a black suit swinging a white cord and breaking the window out. Wow!

It gets down to this. Who would have motive to break the window? Fat and drunk would. He could say I did it which would make me look guilty and he could slide in to be your savior . And it looks like you fell for it hook, line and sinker. I knew you were a little slow on the uptake but thought you could see through the bull shit in time. But instead you've invented some monster out to destroy you and hurt you and your family. You've gone so far as to block me from ever having contact with you again. You now hate me and screw up anything you can in my life. And you won't even see the truth.

And you said you loved me! Im don't want your love if that's what it's all about! So now you have all you want. A great diversion to keep the eyes off of you and Kev. You even have Lori convinced your not fucking the idiot. And you have John L. hood winked as usual. Can't loose that income. Especially since you'll probably loose your job for fraud. And you still have to hope Adult Protective Services doesn't get you for the way you blew through thousands of dollars playing big-shot and throwing cash around bolstering your ego. And your re-finance of the re-finance will probably fail now so you won't get a big wad of cash to make your great escape. And you have to worry if CPS will step in and yank your grandson out of your hands to protect him from your insane behavior.

All of this will make for some great stories in later years. But right now your living a nightmare. And you've made me the monster of it. And you won't wake up and let the nightmare fade away so you go through the day with your eyes closed and the monster keeps chasing you. So you can't figure out that the monster is who you chose to save you. You didn't need saving until you brought in the savior. Too bad you didn't have faith in Jesus as your true savior. Then you would see He sent me to help guide you but you chose the darkness instead. I won't live in the darkness so I'm going back to the light. Maybe I'll see you there one day. I pray it will happen but you need to want it or it won't happen.

Dear Father In Heaven,

I pray to you today that you will reach out your hand to Liz today and show that you Love her and want her to be among your children.  Give her the strength to climb out of this quagmire she's stuck in. Bring her back from the darkness and into the light where we will all be waiting. Give her guidance in all that she does. Show her who really cares and wants the best for her. Let her see her adversaries for who they truly are not what they want her to believe. Let her focus her attention on removing the evil force that is blinding her to the truth. And please dear Heavenly Father, show her I really love her and want what's best for her and no matter what I want her to turn her back on the darkness and step into the light and let her be all that she was meant to be. And let her see that her and I may have had too many obstacles blocking any chance for a future together but that I still love her and want what's best for her. Let her open her heart and find Your Love enter and all will be better as she now begins to see. I pray to you Father to bless her and hold her and protect her from evil. I ask this in the name of your Son Jesus Christ.

Amen...

Monday, September 29, 2014

M...

You Love To Lie...

September 25, 2014

As I look back over the past year I see how you told me so many liesand you continue today. Your still claiming to be sober. I know your not. Meetings? All bull shit. Going to church but not living the life. I feel sorry for you. But you make me sick to my stomach. You'll never change. 

You turned out to be even worse than the crack whore you were in Cleveland. {more later}

The Day Is Here...

And Your Not Going To Like It...

September 29, 2014

I don't want to do what you have forced me to do. I will tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God! That puts you in the hole right out the gate since you've done nothing but lie about this whole smarmy mess you've conjured up.
And your little ditty about falling down and getting up... Well, you don't get up very well. Your a phony liar and you get up on the backs of anyone there is. You don't know how tom get up on your own. You got up on your paper husbands back. Which equates to you were on your back! You know the occupation well, don't you?
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                
I will finish this later. Right now I have to go find clean clothes to wear because some cock-sucking cunt (Can't Understand Normal Thinking) has blocked me from my clothes at MY address. What will happen when you don't get the Restraining Order permanent. And I file one against you... You won't be able to live in your home! We'll see how you like it. YOU WON'^T.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Have It Your Way...

It's Gonna Get Bad Tomorrow...

September 28, 2014

I tried to talk to you. I tried to find the Liz I knew. But she's been replaced by this new, self-righteous, hypocrite who I don't know or want to know. So tomorrow at the hearing the judge will be hearing more than should be put out there. But it's time this little evil game you have played gets put out in the open. I have nothing to loose - YOUR WORDS! - while you risk it all. Guess you don't care. Why should I. There's obviously no love here now, probably never was. But you don't remember. I do and wish I didn't. Sorry you lost yourself. Sorry I lost, too. Enjoy...

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Liz...WE NEED TO TALK...

LIZ! WE NEED TO TALK...

September 27, 2014

Liz, we need to talk. This insanity has got to end now. And we need to TALK! I know now we will never have anything. I know we won't even be friends. But we were once and I think that fact alone justifies a talk. And we need to have this talk BEFORE Monday. I don't want to go to court and put everything out there. But I will have to unless you come talk to me and we can come to an agreement. You need to think about if you loose and I prove that you are the one who is a danger to me and I GET A RESTRAINING ORDER ON YOU! You won't be able to live in your own house... Think about that. You are willing to gamble everything on it and I have the police report from Oregon. It doesn't make you look very good. Especially with your own son as a witness against you... And I still have the option of pressing charges there. I don't want to. But I will. So say a prayer and let the spirit guide you. Safeway, 7-11, 24 Hour Fitness, April's on Mayfair. Kelly on Sebastian. Those are the places to look. It needs to be quick. 

Friday, September 26, 2014

Monday the truth will be told...

And Everyone Will Know EVERYTHING...

September 26, 2014

I don't look forward to this Monday and going to court for the Restraining Order Liz has tagged on me. It's a bunch of bull shit  and she knows it. But she manipulates everything and twists it around even telling out and out lies to get her way. And I fell in love with her. Go figure...

I don't want to do what I will be forced to do which is tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth,  so help me God. I'll have to show them all the texts and all the IM's along with things like what you would do with your grandson with you in the car and in motel rooms, the sneaking in your room with him in the next room and your husband on the other side of you, the room additionm without a permit, them refinance for the purpose of taking the money and running, the way you blew through a ton of money from the first refi spending it on trips and substance and neglecting your husband until his health got so bad he was hospitalized. Your image will be shattered. And its image that matters most to you. Respectable? I think not. Sleazy and vulgar? Fits better...

My heart is broken and I'm bitter, a little angry, but mostly disgusted. I thought more of you. You thought not. Now I just feel sorry for you. You think your so much better than me. I know your not...

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Dear Liz...

I Miss You So Much:>{...

September 25, 2014

I find it so hard to believe that the woman I spent the past year with could do what is being done to me. We spent more time together than we did apart. She wanted me close all the time. Even at night when I'd go to my van or motor home she wanted me to park where she could see me from her window. We'd talk, text, have smoke breaks together, go to the store, browse the internet, IM, everything....EVERYTHING! And now she never wants to see me again. Never wants to talk to me, text me, call me, IM with me, see me, anything. And she won't tell me why. She has a restraining order and is constantly calling the sheriff. When I see her she is mean, hateful, nasty. And she won't tell me why.

So I'm left to wonder. I pray for the answer but never get it. I won't stop trying and I won't go away. So I keep waiting for the lady I knew to come back and chase this evil impostor away. I have to hope that the good Lord is there to bring her back to the light and push the darkness away.

Always Will...

I'm wondering now just how it would be,
To have you back here at my side.
I sit here and stare into dark empty space,
While dreaming your here now with me.
I miss you so much there's a tear in my eye,
I'm sorry my dear but I'm starting to cry,
As memories of you fill my mind.

Yes I do love you, do love you still,
And I'm dreaming of you, like I always will...

To have you back here, while holding your hand,
Music would play, even though there's no band.
I'd look in your eyes, your hand still squeezed tight,
And tell you how much I regretted our fights,
I'd beg your forgiveness, for all I did wrong,
And hope you'd believe that back here you belong,
Where our hearts would play songs born in love.

'Cause I do love, do love you still,
And I'm dreaming of you, like I always will...

And love, I would tell you, was all that I asked,
A love I'd cherish, if it ever were back.
But the way I was then, love, proved how much I lacked,
As I took more than gave to our love.
I never wanted to hurt you, but I made you cry,
And the pain that I brought you, along with the lies,
The guilt that still haunts me, and I hurt deep inside,
Alone now with tears in my eyes.

Of course I do love you, do love you still,
Dreaming of you love, like I always will...

The sorrow I brought you, that now makes me cry,
Won't let me go on love, God please let me die,
I wish it could end with a final good-bye.
And I'd tell you that never, was my love a lie,
That I'm sorry i hurt you, and sorry you cried,
So sorry for much dear, not sorry I tried.
As I leave now with tears in my eyes.

Forever I'll love you, I always will,
Forever my true love, I dream of you still...

Gregory W. Neukam