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Sunday, August 9, 2015

Thoughts Are Always There...

Something that is always there. They stay and pick away at you. I remember when. It was something then. Being bogged down with challenges of a tough task and sitting somewhere just testing and regrouping and out of the blue someone would pop up with that smile and change the dynamics of the moment. Words exchanged. A plan made. Their off and suddenly it was all okay. At least better for a day.

I remember the frustration of losing the house. An impossible situation that I needed to fight. Added to it the need to survive. But it would all seem possible when that smile looked my way. And it really wouldn't matter much anymore. Because something more was there to distract from it all. For some reason it made me feel that it would all work out right for me one day. And if it didn't, Oh well, it wasn't that important anymore. At least for that day.

I remember the wandering and just letting the wind be the guide. And the things that would happen were like they were planned in some way. Serendipity it's called and it's the best thing imagined. What makes our brings it is impossible to say. But it is missed when it's no longer a part of the day.

I guess it's all just regrets and laments. But when they're numerous they can really weigh you down. And even though it's better that something's are ended the things that were special leave a void tough to fill.

I remember a story about taking a walk on a lonely country road and getting a ride from a stranger and going along their way. A new destination even if it was only temporary. And when the ride ends it's a bittersweet moment but it is wonderful and warm. But another version of the ending is that the drive ends when the stranger jumps out and disappears somewhere. Only to re emerge with a shotgun and start blasting away! Maybe not killing but leaving enough lead in one's body to slowly poison them a little more each passing day.

I feel the wounds from the buckshot as they still heal but I also can taste the lead as it dissolves inside me. And such are the regrets of a life lived my way...

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