I Guess Having You Care...

Is More Curse Than Blessing...

September 30, 2014

How many times did you tell me you truly cared about me? A hundred times maybe. And many times you proved it with the little things you did. Coffee, breakfast, heater in the winter, Slurpee, etc. But to have you get a Restraining Order and basically cut me out of your life completely and to call the sheriff every time you see me? What is that? And not even explain to me why? I could do with a lot less of your care...

You Said You Loved Me...

But You Always Lie...

September 30, 2014

On the last day of last month we were on our way to Oregon and having the best time together we ever had. Stops along the way to make love were incredible. You were openly saying nhow much you loved me. Saying you were almost 52 and couldn't believe how you felt so much for me. I was sure we had reached a new level in our relationship.

Then in Oregon it went all bad. And after I returned to Sacramento on a Greyhound bus we went to Safeway on Thursday or Friday night and you again stated how much you loved me as we wandered around the store. But the very next night it all came undone. That fat drunk Kevin kept cruising by and stopping in front of your house. 5 or 6 times he did this. We had planned to meet and sneak in your room.  Then your texts got all weird. You saying I had "company" and saying I must have better plans than the one's we made. Then asking if I was in the back yard. I was at my van. I said it looked like some one in your back yard. Then you stopped texting and came out in the street on your phone screaming at  me.

I left on my bike at that point and later that day I learned your husband's window was broke. And Mandi told me you saw me in a black suit swinging a white cord and breaking the window out. Wow!

It gets down to this. Who would have motive to break the window? Fat and drunk would. He could say I did it which would make me look guilty and he could slide in to be your savior . And it looks like you fell for it hook, line and sinker. I knew you were a little slow on the uptake but thought you could see through the bull shit in time. But instead you've invented some monster out to destroy you and hurt you and your family. You've gone so far as to block me from ever having contact with you again. You now hate me and screw up anything you can in my life. And you won't even see the truth.

And you said you loved me! Im don't want your love if that's what it's all about! So now you have all you want. A great diversion to keep the eyes off of you and Kev. You even have Lori convinced your not fucking the idiot. And you have John L. hood winked as usual. Can't loose that income. Especially since you'll probably loose your job for fraud. And you still have to hope Adult Protective Services doesn't get you for the way you blew through thousands of dollars playing big-shot and throwing cash around bolstering your ego. And your re-finance of the re-finance will probably fail now so you won't get a big wad of cash to make your great escape. And you have to worry if CPS will step in and yank your grandson out of your hands to protect him from your insane behavior.

All of this will make for some great stories in later years. But right now your living a nightmare. And you've made me the monster of it. And you won't wake up and let the nightmare fade away so you go through the day with your eyes closed and the monster keeps chasing you. So you can't figure out that the monster is who you chose to save you. You didn't need saving until you brought in the savior. Too bad you didn't have faith in Jesus as your true savior. Then you would see He sent me to help guide you but you chose the darkness instead. I won't live in the darkness so I'm going back to the light. Maybe I'll see you there one day. I pray it will happen but you need to want it or it won't happen.

Dear Father In Heaven,

I pray to you today that you will reach out your hand to Liz today and show that you Love her and want her to be among your children.  Give her the strength to climb out of this quagmire she's stuck in. Bring her back from the darkness and into the light where we will all be waiting. Give her guidance in all that she does. Show her who really cares and wants the best for her. Let her see her adversaries for who they truly are not what they want her to believe. Let her focus her attention on removing the evil force that is blinding her to the truth. And please dear Heavenly Father, show her I really love her and want what's best for her and no matter what I want her to turn her back on the darkness and step into the light and let her be all that she was meant to be. And let her see that her and I may have had too many obstacles blocking any chance for a future together but that I still love her and want what's best for her. Let her open her heart and find Your Love enter and all will be better as she now begins to see. I pray to you Father to bless her and hold her and protect her from evil. I ask this in the name of your Son Jesus Christ.

Amen...

M...

You Love To Lie...

September 25, 2014

As I look back over the past year I see how you told me so many liesand you continue today. Your still claiming to be sober. I know your not. Meetings? All bull shit. Going to church but not living the life. I feel sorry for you. But you make me sick to my stomach. You'll never change. 

You turned out to be even worse than the crack whore you were in Cleveland. {more later}

The Day Is Here...

And Your Not Going To Like It...

September 29, 2014

I don't want to do what you have forced me to do. I will tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God! That puts you in the hole right out the gate since you've done nothing but lie about this whole smarmy mess you've conjured up.

And your little ditty about falling down and getting up... Well, you don't get up very well. Your a phony liar and you get up on the backs of anyone there is. You don't know how tom get up on your own. You got up on your paper husbands back. Which equates to you were on your back! You know the occupation well, don't you?

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

I will finish this later. Right now I have to go find clean clothes to wear because some cock-sucking cunt (Can't Understand Normal Thinking) has blocked me from my clothes at MY address. What will happen when you don't get the Restraining Order permanent. And I file one against you... You won't be able to live in your home! We'll see how you like it. YOU WON'^T.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

Have It Your Way...

It's Gonna Get Bad Tomorrow...

September 28, 2014

I tried to talk to you. I tried to find the Liz I knew. But she's been replaced by this new, self-righteous, hypocrite who I don't know or want to know. So tomorrow at the hearing the judge will be hearing more than should be put out there. But it's time this little evil game you have played gets put out in the open. I have nothing to loose - YOUR WORDS! - while you risk it all. Guess you don't care. Why should I. There's obviously no love here now, probably never was. But you don't remember. I do and wish I didn't. Sorry you lost yourself. Sorry I lost, too. Enjoy...

Liz...WE NEED TO TALK...

LIZ! WE NEED TO TALK...

September 27, 2014

Liz, we need to talk. This insanity has got to end now. And we need to TALK! I know now we will never have anything. I know we won't even be friends. But we were once and I think that fact alone justifies a talk. And we need to have this talk BEFORE Monday. I don't want to go to court and put everything out there. But I will have to unless you come talk to me and we can come to an agreement. You need to think about if you loose and I prove that you are the one who is a danger to me and I GET A RESTRAINING ORDER ON YOU! You won't be able to live in your own house... Think about that. You are willing to gamble everything on it and I have the police report from Oregon. It doesn't make you look very good. Especially with your own son as a witness against you... And I still have the option of pressing charges there. I don't want to. But I will. So say a prayer and let the spirit guide you. Safeway, 7-11, 24 Hour Fitness, April's on Mayfair. Kelly on Sebastian. Those are the places to look. It needs to be quick. 

Monday the truth will be told...

And Everyone Will Know EVERYTHING...

September 26, 2014

I don't look forward to this Monday and going to court for the Restraining Order Liz has tagged on me. It's a bunch of bull shit  and she knows it. But she manipulates everything and twists it around even telling out and out lies to get her way. And I fell in love with her. Go figure...

I don't want to do what I will be forced to do which is tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth,  so help me God. I'll have to show them all the texts and all the IM's along with things like what you would do with your grandson with you in the car and in motel rooms, the sneaking in your room with him in the next room and your husband on the other side of you, the room additionm without a permit, them refinance for the purpose of taking the money and running, the way you blew through a ton of money from the first refi spending it on trips and substance and neglecting your husband until his health got so bad he was hospitalized. Your image will be shattered. And its image that matters most to you. Respectable? I think not. Sleazy and vulgar? Fits better...

My heart is broken and I'm bitter, a little angry, but mostly disgusted. I thought more of you. You thought not. Now I just feel sorry for you. You think your so much better than me. I know your not...

Dear Liz...

I Miss You So Much:>{...

September 25, 2014

I find it so hard to believe that the woman I spent the past year with could do what is being done to me. We spent more time together than we did apart. She wanted me close all the time. Even at night when I'd go to my van or motor home she wanted me to park where she could see me from her window. We'd talk, text, have smoke breaks together, go to the store, browse the internet, IM, everything....EVERYTHING! And now she never wants to see me again. Never wants to talk to me, text me, call me, IM with me, see me, anything. And she won't tell me why. She has a restraining order and is constantly calling the sheriff. When I see her she is mean, hateful, nasty. And she won't tell me why.

So I'm left to wonder. I pray for the answer but never get it. I won't stop trying and I won't go away. So I keep waiting for the lady I knew to come back and chase this evil impostor away. I have to hope that the good Lord is there to bring her back to the light and push the darkness away.

Always Will...

I'm wondering now just how it would be,

To have you back here at my side.

I sit here and stare into dark empty space,

While dreaming your here now with me.

I miss you so much there's a tear in my eye,

I'm sorry my dear but I'm starting to cry,

As memories of you fill my mind.

Yes I do love you, do love you still,

And I'm dreaming of you, like I always will...

To have you back here, while holding your hand,

Music would play, even though there's no band.

I'd look in your eyes, your hand still squeezed tight,

And tell you how much I regretted our fights,

I'd beg your forgiveness, for all I did wrong,

And hope you'd believe that back here you belong,

Where our hearts would play songs born in love.

'Cause I do love, do love you still,

And I'm dreaming of you, like I always will...

And love, I would tell you, was all that I asked,

A love I'd cherish, if it ever were back.

But the way I was then, love, proved how much I lacked,

As I took more than gave to our love.

I never wanted to hurt you, but I made you cry,

And the pain that I brought you, along with the lies,

The guilt that still haunts me, and I hurt deep inside,

Alone now with tears in my eyes.

Of course I do love you, do love you still,

Dreaming of you love, like I always will...

The sorrow I brought you, that now makes me cry,

Won't let me go on love, God please let me die,

I wish it could end with a final good-bye.

And I'd tell you that never, was my love a lie,

That I'm sorry i hurt you, and sorry you cried,

So sorry for much dear, not sorry I tried.

As I leave now with tears in my eyes.

Forever I'll love you, I always will,

Forever my true love, I dream of you still...

Gregory W. Neukam

Whatever It Is I Did...

I'm Sorry And IMU So Much...

September 25, 2014

I don't know what it is I did that has made you hate me and want to destroy me but whatever it is that I did or that you think that I did, I'm sorry. I truly am sorry. Because it has cost me your friendship and your love or your caring and it's way too high a price to pay. I only hope you'll stop this madness and we can work this out in some way. Because I don't want to hate you and I don't want to battle with you. The only thing I want is the truth and the reason you are acting this way. Too many things get blown way out of proportion and I believe this is a perfect example of that. For you to go from the loving, caring lady that I drove to Oregon with to the hateful, evil creature you metamorphosed  into in a matter of days is just too much for me to imagine. From a promise to make all my dreams come true with an unequaled love to a destruction determined demon ready to destroy anything and everything I have left in this world is a stark contrast that I would never believe possible if I wasn't witness to it's manifestation. I have to believe that there is something seriously wrong in you that needs help. What else could explain it. This is a little more than hot flashes and menopause rearing it's ugly head.

Well I hope that your sobriety is still the top priority in your life. And that you keep it that way. I know the few times over the past year that you saw you were struggling and tried to get clean you became a much more stable person. The real person that is you is the trying to assert herself and I think it will happen this time and all will end well some day. I'm just so sad that I'll never get to see her or be with her in any way. I miss what we had and I'll miss what it could be. Now I have to learn again how to live without your friendship never knowing what it might have become. I was blessed with a year of your life but I still wonder if the price paid was worth it. Right now I'd say no. Nothing is worth the pain when your still in it. It's after the time payments are paid that we see if it was a good investment or just money burned with little return. IMU...

`How Can It Still Hurt So Much...

When It's Just A Big Joke To Her...

September 24, 2014

 I'm still feeling the pain of my broken heart and it either makes me angry and spiteful or sad and lonely sometimes even both at the same time. And she just laughs at me and shows hate and scorn. This from a woman I spent a year with and who told me she really did love me and sent me a George Strait song, "I Cross My Heart", and told me to listen to it. The chorus is so awesome:

I cross my heart and promise to

give all i've got to give to make all your dreams come true

in all the world, you'll never find a love as true than mine

I believed you meant it when you sent it. I was sure we had finally reached a new height in our relationship. I was so ready for some smooth sailing. Things were looking up. But now I'm looking down. And I look real down.

I went from euphoria and endless hope to gloom and doom with a tear posted in the corner of my eye ready to burst at any given moment. It was less than a month ago that I looked forward to every day seeing her and every moment away thinking of her. Always a smile when we'd see each other and always a chance to get close to her. And now I can't get her out of my mind. I'm consumed with this foul taste left from the way she turned it all into a hate-fest. And brought a fat drunken dork in as her knight in shining arm pits. A man who fills his wife with pills to keeps her a slave and out of the way. An idiot who got canned for doing stupid because he was hung over ane, well, just plain stupid! A little pudgy smudge that acts like a candidate or Megan's Law list. His former neighbors called him "creepy".

And I'm quite sure he broke the window that seems to be what this all hinges on. He was seen driving by slowly 5 times even stopping for a few minutes out front of the house and sneaking back on his bicycle. But she doesn't believe it, won't even consider it. Still says it was me in her back yard wearing a black suit and swinging a white cord to break out the glass. All of this happening 24 hours after she sends me a song thant promises to make my dreams all come true...

George Strait

Our Love Is Unconditional Lyrics

"I CROSS MY HEART" by George Strait

Or love is unconditional

we knew it from the start

I see it in your eyes

you can feel it from my heart

from here on after

we'll stay the way we are right now

and share all the love and laughter

that a lifetime will allow

CHORUS:

I cross my heart

and promise to

give all i've got to give to make all your dreams come true

in all the world, you'll never find

a love as true than mine

you will always be the miracle

that makes my life complete

and as long as there's a breath in me

ill make yours just as sweet

as we look into the future

it's as far as we can see

so let's make each tomorrow

be the best that it can be

CHORUS

and if along the way

we find the day it starts to storm

you've got the promise of my love

to keep you warm

in all the world

you'll never find

a love as true as mine

a love as true as mine

/////////\\\\\\\\\\\//////////\\\\\\\\\\

I Thought By Now...

You Would Come To Your Senses...

September 24, 2014

For sure by now I thought you would have come ro your senses and at least talked to me and told me the truth. I was sure you had to have cared just a little bit about me. Now I figure I was wrong again. For you to decide that you never, ever want to see me again or talk to me or communicate in any way tells me there is something way wrong with you right now. You can't spend an entire year with someone and then suddenly want them to disappear forever. The person who you kept tabs on 24/7. Wanted them to park so you could see them at all times. Checked every call or text on their phone. Used a listening device to see if anyone was with them. And now youn hate them. Rather odd I'd say. Rather completely crazy I should say. How do you explain it? How do you understand it? It makes me want to scream...

And I remember how we were so bonded and in sync that where ever I went, where ever I was you would always show up and make things alright. Always. You would go off and then come to your senses and come find me. But you don't even look now. You avoid and mislead. You have gone against all you claimed important. And your fine with the fact that we will never even talk again for the rest of our lives. That  is so sad and makes me wonder what happened to the soul mate who believed God had a hand in our paths merging. Yeah, sleep with those angels. And bless the morning each time it grows light...

I Had A Best Friend One Time...

But She Was Just A Farce...

September 23, 2014

We used to spend so much time together. We did everything together. We'd sit and talk, work on projects, go eat, go shop, go everywhere! And it was all good. Then she flipped out, went nuts, got all crazy and started changing the facts, twisting the truth. And now I don't know her. Don't want to know the new crazy you. You are now just a hateful liar who says things that aren't true. And the evil that's inside now is destroying both me and you. And next week will be the time when I'll have to tell it all, disclose the things you want hidden. Because you have made it necessary to put it all out front and now the world will know that you are a farce and your lies will be out there for the people to see. I guess you don't care - you sure don't care for me. I wish it were different but you made it into what it is. So now I don't have a best friend but I miss her so much. But my best friend has gone for good and I'll never see her again...

She Lives A Lie While Lying Too...

And Yet Another Lie To Lie...

September 23, 2014

You used to start arguments for no reason and I bet it was to do that fat drunk. Do you know how much that hurts? That your that easy and sleazy is the part that makes me feel foolish for believing you were something so special and you only did your hubbie once on the wedding night. That you hadn't done anything for 4 years. What hogwash? Hell, Raquel has more class than that. How do you get the nerve to go out in the light of day. Maybe I'm too critical and how can I say anything because I'm guilty of conspiracy with you. Now your breaking one of your basic tenets by hurting the children. You don't really care. Only if it suits you fine.

I miss the lady that I met and got to know very well. And the lady who I see today is not her. The lady today isn't even a lady in the true sense of the word. And I do miss that lady. But she was only a facade. I was fooled and you just turn face and laugh it off. No substance to support the image. 

Yes I Could See But...

I Didn't Want To Be Right But That's What Is Left...

September 22, 2014

I saw the mood swings and personality shifts early on. Thought it was the drinking that caused it. Or the substance. Maybe pills mixed in, too. Might have been all of them that added to the real issue and made it stand out worse. But I think there are issues with a multitude of personalities that emerge throughout the day. And somehow the good one or ones are being choked out by the hater. The sociopath. The Liar that doesn't like being wrong. And it could mbe those mysterious pills or the booze hidden away. A chemical imbalance that is so severe it blocks her memory from the other personalities. And I think her family is aware but won't say it is so. And they try to monitor and protect her but she stays set in her ways. She really needs to get counselling and not in some 12 Step farce. That's the way it looks to me. They don't seem to care that she's blowing things up way out of proportion. But then no one dares question her on the inconsistencies in her stories. The obvious lies and non-truths. No sense in her claims and no way to get her to wake up and see how she's destroyed something special and made it a regret not a treasure. I feel the loss even if she feels nothing. We once felt each other even miles apart. Now that I'm right I wished I'd already left. Cause now there really is nothing left...

And What Is It That...

Makes Me Miss You But Glad I'm Not Near You...

September 22, 2014

I see this total bitch who you've become but I still seem to think that good side is still deep down inside. I just won't believe you've gone so far overboard that you would become so creepy, slimy, foul. It seems like someone's doing a mind rape on you. And your blinded by your own vanity. Must think there's some willed money that can be had for some easy work. And I believe there's a name for that. But I forgot...

To have such a bitter taste in my mouth when I think of how this went down is quite understandable. But to listen to your lies and see that vile, evil, caustic side of you and to see it stay so long. Something wrong and since you have made up so many things it's like you aren't even the same person that stood smiling so wide in the garage that October night.

Whatever. I mean, really, WHATEVER! That makes my memories of you go sour and my mood does the same.

What Is Bad Gets....

Countered When God Answers...

September 22, 2014

I have to laugh that the evil influence she had is getting weaker as now see she throws us all under the bus when her plans get stopped and her world starts to crumble. She has not problem telling lies and inventing horrors. She first tries to dominate your life, where you go, who you see, phone and text. Where you park, who visits, when you go to the store. It's funny at first but after a while it becomes insane. And why so worried I'm seeing anyone other than you? When someone imagines something others are doing could it just be they're guilty of what they imagine about you?

I just know I got an endorsement from a Neighborhood Watch person who saw the whole thing just driving by once in a while. But getting told they know she's loony and that I am being harassed. It helps to know there are still people that see through the crap...

You Can Be Such A 2-Faced Bitch...

And Then You Can Just Be Evil...

September 22, 2014

I don't know how you can be so mean and harassing especially since you have been the aggressor as proven by the Police Report from Oregon. You say I'm a threat to you and your family. Oh, really? I've never been physically aggressive toward you. Im always on defense. You know that. My fault is that I let myself fall in love with someone who really wasn't the person that you portrayed yourself to be and all those times that you expressed the same thing to me were just the incoherent ramblings of a person under the influence and she doesn't even remember any of it the very next day. The same woman who calls the sheriff this morning because I'd run out of gas in traffic on Hurley just feet from Keeney Way. Suddenly it's the crime of the century in progress and Ms. Deflection is gonna be Super Cop. Armed with the Galaxy Memo she will capture the moment digitally. And just to spice up the drama lets make up a sign in the front yard. Sure, it's all about her. Paranoia, egocentric leanings, a touch of megalomania maybe? But we'll call the sheriff just to harass me. I'm the Great Evil Monster in a black suit swinging a white cord and breaking your windows out. And I went psycho in Oregon and attacked you? WTF??? Wow. Wow. Wow... And you cared about me? I made you happy? I never rubbed your back or neck, massaged Oil of Olay into your dry and sore feet? Tried to please you in every way that I could? That's a sad statement. You may never see the truth but you probably don't care. That's more likely the case the whole time but I was too stupid to notice. What I did notice is the big change up in you. You've become an evil bitch who's angry because I was right about what I perceived. I really am right more times than wrong. Just the times that I'm wrong - believing you really did care and you felt love to some small degree. But no matter what it was it's just so hard to believe you'd be so hateful as to try and cut me off from the street I lived on for half a century. I'm sorry. But that's a sick thing to do. I wish you never really cared about me now. And I wish I didn't still care in some small, small way. It will never make sense. It's easier to just think it's because of the crack that's back in your head... 

To Be So Cold After...

Being So Hot...

September 22, 2014

I think back to some of the texts we exchanged and how IMU and CFM were such simple pleasures           and how many IW2FU I'd get and the heat got hot. Yet now there must be ice cubes surrounding your heart. Just hard to believe that your the same one that texted me 180 texts in one afternoon is the same person that tried to pulverize my face in Oregon. But I sure wish the one that sent IMU 3 times a day and EMP to bring it home would show up and save the day. But really it's just UFC IHU LSOMAH                                                                                                                                       

As Sunday Draws To An End...

I Feel Lost And Alone Like Before...

September 21, 2014

It's nearly a year now that we started this thing you deny and in that year I felt a comfort knowing we had something special we shared. I did't feel the loneliness that had surrounded me since my house was torn down. The great void you filled made life more livable each day because tomorrow you would be there. Now that loneliness is back even worse because you've separated me from the place I've spent nearly half of a century in. You have no right to do that and if you think I have no right being there you are wrong because I do and someday you'll be aware. The house was taken from me by a piece of the system gone awry. The system was abused and wrongly used and I've proven that many times many ways. It's not just the way you destroyed the magic and made a joke of me so you could get me out of your life. You never really cared much and that's too bad but not the worst. It's that you would hate me so much that you would lie and use the system to keep me away from the little security I still had just so you could cover your sickening behavior that now everyone is aware of. And even worse is that I still can't let go of you though I try hard everyday. As you've now become someone I don't recognize I know if I'd seen that side of you earlier I would never have given you the time of day.

Once I felt honored and special that you would think so much of me and show me in so many ways. I really didn't feel worthy of that. Now that I see how you feel nothing and would get involved with the lowest of life forms I feel sickened that I would think you were that special. I see now I was fooled like never before. But I still have feelings wrapped around you though I want them to die quickly yet they just don't release easy. And I'm bitter and angry and want you to feel the pain I do. But you won't cause you never felt what I did. You said you did a few times but I doubt it. There's no way you could and then treat me this way. So now your a hater and you tell lies to hide behind. What's the use. You'll never change and I'd never trust you. So our story ends but not like your songs in a heartfelt way.  

It Still Hurts Too Much...

And She Just Laughs At My Pain...

September 21, 2014

A sadness surrounds me and holds me prisoner of my emotions that are still so wobbly I get dizzy. It shouldn't hurt so much. But it does because I did really love her and she fooled me and set me up and flaunted her indiscretions in my face. She'll say she was just faking the affair but I know she wasn't. And she knows that, too. How can someone be that cold. That immoral. That hateful. To tell someone you love them and 3 days later get a court order to block them effectively forever. That is an evil woman and she needs to be stopped from further abuse of the system. She isn't afraid of me for her safety but because I'll expose her extramarital activities like I already have. She won't stop and if she's caught her husband will bail on her leaving her with nothing. That's sad in itself but the truth is she needs help or else she'll end up ruining more lives along with her own. And she won't see the real villain is the one who lies most and will be just like the 2 she married before. And she will keep living a lie thinking everyone is fooled. They won't be forever. I know I finally saw the truth and it made me sick to know she was really that way. If she were honest up front about what she really is then there would never have been this mess because it would have never begun...

That was my head trying to figure out...

What's Breaking My Heart...

September 20, 2014

My brain sees all the facts and knows some things don't add up and other things added up all too good. But my heart just knows how badly it hurts and how much it misses you. My heart keeps hurting because for the last year it was beating a real positive beat and it was beating for you. You gave me reason to try harder, to do better, to reach out and beyond. You made the cold bearable, the heat tolerable, the bright less blinding and the dark more enlightening. You gave me hope for a better tomorrow, made the past seem less horrible, today more pleasurable. Just being around you was enough. Then you changed. You became angry and hateful, vindictive and delusional. You would go off like a flash bulb and change so fast it was blinding. Nothing was right. Yet there was nothing wrong. The mood swings were scary to say the least and no matter what I did it always ended bad.

But my heart still remembered the magic that started it all. That kiss one night in the garage. The way I felt. The way you said you felt. Not even your prior 2 husbands could make you feel that way. Nobody could make you feel that way. And now we'll never feel that way, either one of us, again. Ever. And your fine with that.

How you go from one extreme to the other in such a short time is crazy. Real time crazy.

My heart still misses you horribly. And you just show me contempt and vengeance. For what I'm not sure. But I know you've become someone I would never be friends with and surely never fall in  love with. It's like a death with no funeral to say our good-byes. I just wish it would quit hurting but I see you in your lie and it makes me hate you because your not who I knew. You've become phony and slutty and disgusting. Vulgar and repulsive. A liar. A cheater. Not the awesome person I knew. And my heart beats without you. The days go on. It's just not worth caring now. If my life ended now it wouldn't be a bad thing because life isn't worth much now just a battle to survive. And for what?  To see you and hate you? Cause that's what it's become. That and a worthless battle proving all your lies are not true. What a waste you've made me deal with. Now it seems stupid to have ever loved you. My head knows it so well. But my heart still holds true and won't let go of you. That's probably why I'd rather it not beat at all than to beat only for you...

How can a beautiful woman be so...

Ugly, Evil, Hateful And Worse...

September 20, 2014

I am still at a loss to understand how someone can claim someone means so much to them and spend a year in a relationship - though not an ideal one - and even tell the person how much they loved them and then turn around and start a fight while the new person they are now screwing breaks a window to make it look like the other person did it and get a restraining order that fucks up the other person's life needlessly and flaunts the new immoral relationship even posting a picture online showing them at the Motel 6 on Howe and 50 with a smirk on the face as if to say fuck off and die. Never have a seen a more cruel and vulgar display of hatred in my life. This being done to someone who is genuinely kind and honest and caring and has done nothing to deserve being treated like this. Would do anything in the world for her. There is no reason for this and now they will never ever ever ever be friends again - let alone lovers - never have coffee together, share cereal in the night, a slurpee, walk around Orchard or Home Depot together, enjoy a trip to Big Lots or any thing together again. I lost my best friend and I don't understand why. And why she is being so evil as to call the sheriff and lie to them, tell Jerry lies, try to destroy the relationship with my sister that I finally re-established, try to bar me from the street I lived on for 50 years. All because I saw the signs and read the clues that she's cheating on her husband with another who is married to her supposed friend. I guess I knew what you were all along but I believed you when you said you didn't do married men, that you couldn't stand that person, that you were working a 12 step program, that you quit using, that you were going to church. It's sad because I see the effects your shortcomings have had on the one person you say you care the most about. I'm thinking the one you care more about is yourself and you don't care who you hurt or how many lies you have to tell to do it. Maybe that isn't the Lord that's steering you. But you know it all. 

There must be a lot of anger and hatred...

For Evil To Find Its Way...

September 18, 2014

 

I see a photo taken by someone else and the clues I'm supposed to see and the smirk on the face indicating that cruel piece of you has got a bigger grip on. The bra, the hotel, the smirk.


You can make love to someone and tell them how much you love them, make them feel like life's all good to flipping out and doing what you did to claiming I went bonkers and I'm a danger to you and your family, you hate me, won't talk, act like I am guilty of some heinous crime and try to block us from ever seeing each other again. You have lied and all to hide the fact that you were doing your "friends" husband because I saw what I saw more than once and you knew I'd catch you one day so you got the RO to prevent that. But as I tell every detail including what and where and most times when it all becomes the show.

And if you had any class you sure wouldn't have pulled your bull shit. But its nice to know you think so highly of Lori to do this to her. And I wanted forever when really it was never. I could never trust you again. I will never believe anyone. I think I like never seeing you again. The truth is a lot more clear out here. The saddest part is you never would even deny. Its all about deceiving people. Only thing is the onlookers aren't blinded by emotions. And I'm wishing I were looking on and not looking back. Its sad when a dream dies. Its evil to stab it and kick it and spit on it with hate. But then to gloat and act like that. Maybe you weren't worth the try. I only thought you'd be more than  a lie.

The heartbreaker is you are all over the place lately. How you went from knowing jerk is an abuser and controller to being willing to get what happened in your previous marriages all over again is a big switch. This personality is ugly, grotesque. Wouldn't want to spend 5 minutes with her. The old you was who I spent time with. And she's gone. Never see her again. Just like the new you. 

How do you say I Love You...

And Then I Never Want To See You Again...

September 17, 2014

 

 

First, I'm sorry about the lawn mower. I forgot I left it in the back yard on Morse the day before the we went to Oregon. Remember that trip? You were telling me how much you really loved me and how ... well, you remember. The trip ended when we went to jail because you attacked me and socked me up pretty good. But then at Safeway a week later you asked what happened to my eye. And said you didn't remember doing that. And didn't remember the drive up. Or a lot of things. But you remember getting out of jail and leaving me in Medford. And tossing my clothes and keys and flashlight and..;.. Whatever!

 

I just can't understand how you could not remember telling someone you loved them. Or how happy you were with them. Or a lot of things. But you remember throwing things out. I just don't get it. And won't even come talk to me. Give me an explanation. I really lost my best friend.

 

Speaking of which I had to go to the funeral of one of my best friends this morning. He died from the flu and upper respiratory failure last Thursday night. It was real tough on me and I could have used a friend when I got back from the service. But all I had was some crazy bitch making a scene. The one that said she really did care about me. You know the one. The one that went to the motel with a married man yesterday. The one I caught in the shed that night. The one that blames me for some window getting broken when it was likely that married man that had driven by 5 times and stopped for a minute once. The one that was in the back yard that I saw from my back yard over the fence. The one that would have a motive for breaking the window. Especially if I got blamed. But you don't remember. The one that is feeding you pills that have your mind all twisted up. The one that should be with his sick wife. You remember. No you just keep making a fool of yourself as you loose your best friend. It hurts. I know.

What is wrong here?......

It Makes No Sense...

September 16, 2014

 

I can't figure out how in 2 weeks time we went from wanting to be with each other as much as possible to you getting a restraining order and calling the sheriff every time you see me. To you trying to steal my dog - the only thing that means anything to me in this world! - and lying to the sheriff whenever you call them. You do know that this restraining order means we will never see each other in any way again? Ever... If that is your desire then by all means I never want to see you again either. I did love you and you said and texted the same thing many times. But if you don't love me there is no use trying so go your way. But the way you did this is wrong. I see now the multiple personalities I suspected are real. So that is more than I want to deal with. I say good-bye with a heart broken and beaten and shredded apart. But I say good-bye. It's just when I see you now my anger is such that I scream whatever I can to make you hurt like I do. Someday I won't. I do know there are 2 songs I never want to hear again. Whatever...

 

So you are so cruel you have made it nearly impossible for me to have Xz with me all day? But you don't care about Xz. You think he loves you more than me. That dog is bonded with me and will always be bonded with me. That you would try to circumvent it shows me how selfish and twisted you are. Just like keeping me away from the place I have lived for 50 years. Something you will never understand. And giving Jerry phone numbers from my phone so he can make an ass of himself calling Lee and claiming he threw so0mething at his truck. Guess you weren't kidding when you said you were sucking his dick. Have at it dear. The pain in my hear will heal. Will your soul survive the compounded sin? My sister, of course, still thinks so. I have lost too much faith to believe it will happen. So I say good-bye while you stay lost and far from shore. God can worry about you. I don't have it in me to care anymore. You'll create more drama I'm sure. Just you'll have a new victim. I'm done. You'll never have what made you so happy again....ever....EVER! Because I can't love you. And for me it was making love and it's why it was so special. That was the magic....and it disappeared. Poof! Gone... Like the truth from your lips. Gone...

In The Hands Of The Lord...

But She Struggles To Break Free!!!

\

September 12, 2014

 

Dear Lord I have given it to you that you may bring this ship to shore and it would bring me to my fate. You heard my requests and know my tastes. But don't think we'll both be landing near the other. Too much has gone off the deep end and she has become so crazy.

 

I pray that she considers a much different path and backs off this stupidity that I'm a threat to her family or her. If she can't see that the damage comes from her and ends up hurting Ian more than she knows or even cares.

 

This Restraining Order crap needs to come to a halt right now. Because if it goes to court  I will be forced to expose all of her nasty to all of the world. I only wish she'd clue in and see it stupid,,,

SAVE HER FROM HERSELF...

September 9, 2014

SAVE ME FROM HER GUILT...

I am amazed at her audacity. She is a train off the tracks looking for a crash site. She won't see the truth and believes she knows it all. She says someone was in her backyard. That was what I was telling her. I saw from my yard over the fence and someone was there. I tried to tell her. She said it was me. IT WASN'T. And this after the piece of shit Kevin drove by slow 5-6 times and even parked out front. And why was he doing this except to go in? But if you are honest and he wasn't maybe you better look closer. He was. And a window was broken. Why would I? But why would he? To come to the rescue? To be the hero? The knight in shining armor. So think about it. Cause it wasn't me. But you don't remember. Or don't care. How you could miss me so much at Safeway, get me candy and 5 bucks to eat then 12 hours later hate me. We'll let it play out but I'm afraid it's too late for me, us. The magic broke, broke in two. Yes it was magic for me but not you. I leave now with a broken heart and a tear hanging from my sad eyes. I believed in love. But love can't be one sided... 

go fuck yourself liar

id rather use drugs than to be what she is. what a liar. i dont do married men. well kevin isnt a man but he is married

Dear Lord, Please Help Me...

Dear Jesus, I pray to you today that you may guide me in what I should do and say. Someone I love very much is having a very tough time and we have lost touch with each other. We are many miles apart and I fear we may never be close again. No matter how few the miles there will be a wall to impenetrable for any human to overcome. That is why I pray to you to help me overcome this obstacle that our hearts can once again touch and this barrier can be breeched. I fear it may be too big this time and I know only with your love and guidance can it ever be successfully conquered. I pray for you help to overcome the challenge and bring us back together again if that is your desire for it to be. I pray that it is and I will be patient in waiting for the time to be right for you as to whether that will be. It is my desire but it will only happen with your blessing. You have brought us together before in our times of madness. I only pray you will see it as your desire as well. May your will be done. I ask this in the name of the Son, Jesus Christ, Amen.