Honest Feelings...

Not much good inside me today. Trying to be positive and believe that a miracle is possible. But I have so much anger broiling inside. Despair rules my feelings right now. I have no dreams. No ambitions. No hope. And I want hope. I'm not ready for my life to end. But I feel it getting near now. And it will be painful. And I'm scared...

Merry Christmas...

Only a few hours until Christmas. I'm trying to keep a positive outlook but as my life continues to crumble and after having a year of it stolen from me I'm left with a mess to deal with to clear it up and now I find out that I have lung cancer. I have a large mass in my right lung partially blocking my air path and there's a danger of my lung collapsing. I now know the sharp pain I have in my back between my shoulder blades is the mass attached to my lung. I guess there are things they can do but I haven't felt much positive from the doctors. My dad and my oldest sister had part of their lungs removed. Most likely that's gonna be my future. Well, Merry Christmas and hope I get to the New Year...

Gonna Be Trouble...

I don't know why but I sense there is going to be a major confusion soon and I sure would rather it was avoided. But I know that there is little chance of that taking place. So prepare for the storm.

I wonder if it will take place at the Capital Christian Center. A show down with God would be a nice fix. But it would probably get real ugly real fast.

Our maybe it will be on the road. Our it could be at a meeting. Or at the store. Or maybe it will be right I her front yard. The possibilities are many and the outcome is sure to be controversial.

So I won't give it any more thought. Just play it by ear. All I can do...

All Things Aside...

I don't care anymore how correct my assessments may be our whether that bitch had stopped get drinking or drug use. The fact is out isn't her substance abuse that flaws her character. It is the substance of her character - or lack thereof - that flaws her person. She lied and continues to do so. She caused great harm to innocent people because of her lies and chicken shit actions and abuse of the system. And she had made absolutely no effort to correct those wrongs. She proves work that alone that she isn't working a12 step anything. She puts on a front that nobody believes and thinks she is fooling everyone. But everyone knows she's a fake and she can't be trusted in any way. She has nobody on her side out in her corner except a child molester drunk who's as big a phony as her. Maybe a surprise should await them when they show up at church. Expose the liars in front of the congregation and let them try to lie out of that. On the spot and forced to confess all, holding back nothing. Pictures, video, text messages, hotel records, everything put out there for the entire assembly of Christians to know what they are. And it's not that they committed multiple sins but that they continue while lying to everyone. Go and sin no more, Jesus said. But continue and be lost forever. Jesus doesn't return to save anyone but to judge and remove the liars from among the righteous. Could make for an interesting sermon in action v some Sunday soon. Maybe they could serve lunch to the children. Or more likely there will be a barbeque and add they burn at the stake marshmallows could be toasted and some Jiffy Pop could get shaken over the flames. I just want to know that there will be much pain and suffering and screams as it happens. After all. It's not like it would be a "human" sacrifice...

In All Honesty..

To be totally honest about my state of mind and the angst I am dealing with I can't help but feeling that a lot of the turmoil is due to the fact that there are residual feelings that keep eating away at me. It's not that I'm still blinded by some idiotic live for her because I've come to know that she is not a good person by any means. In fact, she is one of the most evil creatures I've ever encountered. It had to do with her incessant lies and total void of honesty. Everything she does is a front for her real agenda. She doesn't go to AA to stop drinking but to cover for her drunk escapades that became public. She doesn't go to church because she believes I'm God and wants His salvation. It's to cover for her great sins and continued dalliances. She talks tough on drug abuse and will admit to a relapse but the fact is she never quite just got better at hiding it. She'll jump on the family first thing but the only thing she puts first in family is that they are the first ones she'll burn. She's sure that family and unconditional live will always forgive her. But maybe she sees now that that may not be true. I know its not true on her end.

But for some reason there was someone special inside her at times that I was sure was the real her. Apparently I was way wrong. As it stands it appears that that was her greatest lie. Not one bit of it was true. But she had been building these facades for so long that she has become a matter at deceit. Maybe she even deceives herself sometimes.

So I'm stuck in this mire of rubbish that is my life and know that the most blame is hers for the easy she did things and the magnitude of the assault. Blown easy out of proportion all in an effort to preserve her evil agenda and continue to manipulate and malign to achieve her warped goals add she likes down at everyone like from a place she doesn't belong. Perched on a pedestal instead of cashed like a banshee and kept a safe distance from the human race.

Yet it always concludes with the same feelings in my gut that are hated and remorse, anger and frustration and a sad empty feeling left in me because I'm still amazed that there are people in the world that are truly sociopaths that should be locked up to keep the rest of us from having to suffer from the wrongs they commit on us. In a perfect world she would be tarred and feathered and stoned to death while Moses beats her with his stick/serpent and the angels would sing "Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead". Is it Kansas yet? Where's Dorothy when you need her?

No Way To Forget...

I hate that this mess she had perpetuated is still hanging on me and won't let me go. I hate that it has left me full of hatred and resentment. It's one thing that she was jerking me around all the time and never meant a word she said and definitely never cared one iota about me in any way, shape or form. It's that she pulled this fucking stunt to end it by getting the RO and then baiting me with her phone calls then calling the DA. And hacking my Google account and turning in text messages from a phone number she controlled and constantly shut off on me. Not to mention the fact that she was fucking the child molester all along. And had the nerve to sucker his wife into her lie about me. That shows her evil and also the poor excuse of a human being his wife is. So spun on alcohol and pain pills she didn't know what she was doing. And where were the pain pills coming from? The Chester! The drug dogs could sniff out his stash and haul his ass to jail. But that would require the cops to actually investigate something. They would rather harass the homeless or manufacture crimes to pin on someone. Bunch of crap. Why believe the old adage that good always wins in the end. It doesn't. It keeps getting stomped asking the way and can't survive to the end. So Fuck the bastards. I hate them, too...

It's Just Evil...

I am forever reminded that the things she did and continues to do are just plain evil. Her marriage is a sham that she claims is a "paper only" marriage and that she got married to make it look like she had a stable home to get custody of her grandson. And that she married him "so her daughter wouldn't win" and her jealousy of her daughter is so obvious when they are together.

And she has no respect for anyone yet thinks she should be respected above all others. But everything she does makes respecting her impossible. She demands to be the center of attention while putting everyone down as unworthy of hers. She wants to be the big shot who can do whatever she wants and with impunity.

She doesn't hesitate to tell a total lie and do it as she claims to have decided to follow Jesus. And goes to church and feels no shame for the lifestyle she leads completely opposite to what Jesus taught. Thinks she is morally superior to anyone and everyone and looks down her nose at the world as if she has been successful at life when, in fact, she had used everyone to get where she is. And where she is is still a long way from the top of anything. Not to mention she had to look over her shoulder constantly and worry about the consequences of her actions catching up to her.

I am so angry that she had so far gotten away with what she did to me that I'm ready to go postal at times. She needs to be held accountable for her lies and foul actions and loose everything. And have everyone turn their backs on her like she has done to anyone who tried to help her. Find herself all alone with nothing and see if she can climb out of her mess. As she ages and can't just rely on laying on her back to get by. Make up can only soften the ugliness she exudes.

She's nothing but a parasite and her lies become apparent soon. And when she loses her meal ticket she'll have to support herself. And that won't be easy on disability. After she realizes that the world sees her much different than she thinks and that there is nobody left to lie to I'm thinking it will be too late and she'll just have to rot away behind a dumpster. How fitting that would be...

Another Day In Hell...

Just another day in hell because of the evil bitch who should burn there. I've had it with her getting away with her lies and fucking twisted head games. I wait no more. It's time to be pro active and vent my anger and avenge the fucking bitch. I don't care what it takes or what the cost. Having this eat me up inside all the time has destroyed me. It's time to do the destroying. All of her fears are about to be realized. Worry about every sound you hear. Keep looking over your shoulder. Is that a target on your back? I think it is. Live in fear. I'd rather live in fear than live like I am. But I don't have that option. Neither do you...

Return Of The Slut...

It sure was pleasant not having her around for a couple of weeks. No showing up all the time wherever I was and playing the drama bullshit. "Oh I'm d do scared!" "I have to protect you child, I'll hold on to you!" Fucking lying slut...

Ohio must have been so happy to see your slut ass. The family with open arms. Or was it arms loaded and finger on the trigger? How'd the crack work? And how bout them 12 Steps? Sure takes a while when you stumble in the first one again and again. Couldn't help when your next buddy is a bigger alcoholic than you are. But child molesters are always great to boost your status in the community.

Still working that disability scam milking the surgery for every last Norco on the planet. My sponsor okayed them. And, besides, I say I'm going to a meeting. Just not an AA meeting. It's a Motel 6 meeting. Gotta break my vows someone. Damned paper marriage. Almost got rid of him last year but he got to Kaiser too soon and they almost busted me. Thought he'd be dead when I got back but her wasn't.

Sure hope I can get Cal to sell this house. But I sucked so much out of it playing big shot last year I have to steal to keep up now. Might have to do the Sears thing again for some flat screens and laptops. Or just go for the quick buck blow job and steal the wallets. No problem there. Real easy, just like me...l

Brains Not Requird...

Just watched another display of arrogant stupidity by the sheriff. Some commotion across the street on Rite Aide's parking lot. A couple of guys running toward 24 Hour Fitness leaving 2 girls and a guy there. Soon 6 sheriff and 2 CHP fly up with lights flashing. Everyone, including people from all sides of the intersection keep telling them the guys ran that way, pointing at 24 Hour Fitness. They are more determined to subdue the three there. Then a couple of Fire Dept. vehicles join the crowd. We now have circus. Nobody ever goes after the 2 that started the skirmish but they got to wrestle the guy to the ground and harass the girls. 30 minutes of stupidity and they haven't done s thing to catch the criminals. But they've detained 3 innocent people. This is how they make the streets a danger environment. I'm feeling do much security...

Fucking Great Labor Day...

What a great weekend this Labor Day was. Almost as wonderful add last year in Medford, Oregon jail. A piece of shit heroin junkie steals my wallet out of my van so now I have no ID, EBT, MediCal, pay add you go credits cards, or anything else that was in my wallet. Now I must spend the week getting to the DMV, Health and Human Services, contacting Social Security fit a replacement card, etc. Any money I'll get paid for painting the duplex and what I'll earn fixing the cement at 7-11 will get burned up in gas and reissue fees. Fucking bag whores cost way too much and returns are on the negative side.  Time for harsh population control methods to be instituted.

Anger That Cancels Hopes...

...And Harbors Hatred Instead

One early on I remember thoughts that she would truthfully conquer her addictions and become a better person over time. I guess a year is not  sufficient. The person only got worse. And as I have to deal with more lying woman doing more vile shit I just see there's no use in putting your kindness in risk. Cynicism it's called. Age and life experience temper it. It just happens...

It Does Not Get Better..

Great! In an increasingly descending fall it does get worse. I let a blonde rag muffin put her phone on the charger in the van as I sat in Lee's truck along side it. She left and returned and I told her where it was and she wanted to make a text on it. I thought she'd grab it and I use it. She leaned on the seat and used it. After too long for me I told her I needed in the door. She leaned back and pulled her purse from in front of her on the seat. Then walked off saying she'd be right back to get her phone. I noticed my wallet was gone from the motor cover. I tried to find her but soon she was back for the phone. I confronted her on the spot and she denied out, of course. Next, she asked if I considered her that stupid. I looked at her bright blonde hair and remarked, shaking my head add I just went, "Duhhh..." Like that was a MENSA burn conclusion.

She then let mgr know that the phone wasn't hers and the owner would come get it. She tried some more to get the phone so I just waited. Eventually a large black pissed off dude pulls up in his blazing red Bronco and got our. I was in 7-11 and went out to deal with this. He's mad and wants his phone, I get that, and I just told him I just want my wallet back. Something she forgot was the real issue that directed her to call him. She soon blasted off across the parking lot and the dude, after stating her believed me and added she had taken a phone a couple of weeks ago and he never saw it again. Anyway, he called the sheriff - her says - but they never showed up. Probably my first choice anyway. My wallet is stashed somewhere in a garbage, dumpster or bush. How can I not rage out? Population control had a bad rep. It's not right...

Oh Boy It's Saturday...

Saturday again and time to do nothing. At least during the week you can get something accomplished. Of course when the major task is dealing with the Public Defender getting something accomplished is a long, drawn out process. And usually not very successful. But I'm persistent and I have a lot more time on my hands right now whether I want it or not so I just have to obsess with it.

A Call To APS, One To CPS, The DA...

A Call To APS, CPS and the DA all went much better this time. I think God is finally making shit happen to the Crack Whore. Let's pay she loses everything. She already list her soul now when she loses her grandson, her meal ticket divorces her and charges for perjury, obstruction of justice, filing false police reports, lying under oath, etc. It's all starting to take shape. And nobody wants her. Except maybe the child molester. He deserves such a fate. And when he states beating her and pimp her out it will be like old times. Oh, gotta call Social Security to report fraud. And River City School District. Shit will hit the fan. Just think of all the money she'll be taking in with those blow jobs she's always bragging about. She'll be the new STD Poster Girl! That's a mouth full...

Finally Something...

A small thing today to feel positive about. I got to work for almost an hour servicing the AC at 7 Eleven. All it took was to clean the coils inside the roof mount unit because the filters hadn't been replaced....well, they had never been replaced! And they had fallen out of their holders and one holder had fallen out with them. Brushed the coils off and viola, site moved over the coils again and heat was exchanged, the compressor quit overheating which resulted in the system shutting down and the temperature going up in the store. Anyway, at least I can eat dinner. Not as exciting as smoking crack in Ohio but not everyone can be a bag ho...

It Will Never End...

There is no end to my anger. It will continue to eat me up because the only way it will ever be quenched is if this mess gets removed from my life. And since the lying piece of trash that caused it will never tell the truth and this system is so fucked up it will never right the wrong I will hate them all for time and all eternity. That's the way it is and that's the way it stays. I have nothing to apologize for. I am the victim. I am the one who should have seen her going to jail. Or more satisfying would to see her get in a huge car wreck and end up in the hospital first and then arrested and locked up for at least a year. And she should be shamed out of church for hiding her self behind a vale of righteousness when she continues her evil. That is the way I feel and nobody could change my mind on any of it. At least my feelings are honest. That's more than I can say for her...

And The Prick Drives By...

Three times in 10-minutes the fucking prick sheriff in the SUV had driven by me. The little pud that thinks he knows it all and who shoved me around and told me to write about him in this blog. If I knew the little cock sucker's name I'd use it. Officer I'm Really A Female On The Rag. The one that knows the least but thinks he's the smartest. Fuck You! Your why I hate the sheriff, too. Your the epitome of the Nazi Cops who can't figure out the real crime. Like perjury, obstruction of justice, false police reports, wasting resources, scarred to go after dangerous criminals.

September 3, 2014...

On September 3, 2014 I was on a Greyhound bus I had boarded in Medford, Oregon returning to Sacramento with my face still healing from the attack that came from a spun out drunk who had asked me to drive her to pick up a puppy from her son. I knew she was getting out there and she did to even claiming that she was stopping her substance abuse. And when I got back she texted me saying she was glad I got back okay. The next night she asked me to go to Safeway with her, which I did, where she apologized for what she had done and was as sweet as could be and even made plans to meet the next night, Friday, like we did most nights. And as we said goodnight that Thursday evening it would be the last time she would act anything nice or honest. Even though she spoke to me on her birthday in Safeway parking lot, called me from Kaiser to come visit her after her surgery and then called me to meet her at Penny's in Arden Fair on Thanksgiving Day where she played a video on her phone for me and acted as sweet as could be - though I suspect she was high on her pain pills then add she was even higher in post surgery. And she still sent me messages and occasionally called and at the same time she called the sheriff and complained to the DA. Yet it was me who ended up in jail numerous times and accused of being violent toward her, which I never was. Her lies and drama caused such a mess that I will never get it off of my back. This from someone I thought was special. And actually it was her who was violent and threatening and dangerous. All things she had been in her past and actually bragged about over the year we were together. A year she spent isolating me and hovering over me monitoring my phone calls and text messages, demanding my total attention and dominating my life. Yet she will claim not to remember or that it was because of her relapse or some other excuse. Whatever weak ass excuse she uses it doesn't change the fact that she fucked up my life with her lies and it's time she paid the price for her evil ways. And she will, one way or another, she will...

Another Waste...

Now I have to go all the way out to Florin/Perkins to the Probation Dept. I don't have the gas, I can't ride my bike because I have XZ and there is no way I would have him run that far in this heat, even if it is cooler today. And what a waste of time and money. All thanks to a liar and her games. I hate this system more and more each day. What a bunch of stupidity. No wonder the jails are overcrowded. They should let everyone out and throw all of the cops, lawyers and judges in them. At least they'd all be guilty of crimes...

Begin Another Week...

Monday morning is here and another week begins. I've never been a fan of Monday and nothing has changed to made me feel any different. What had changed, I noticed, is that while writing used to be such a great therapy to me it's not that way anymore. It still is a way for me to release anger that builds up but it doesn't open up my imagination and spark the creative forces in me. Where I used to feel there was so much I wanted to write that I couldn't keep up with the flow now I'm stuck with nothing I want to put into a sentence and paragraphs are too much to consider. What I feel more is that I can't put into words how angry and frustrated I feel. That the anger is so pervasive that it becomes consuming and instead of thoughts flowing freely they get twisted up and crushed by the anger. And there is no answer to how I can overcome the anger and put it out of my thoughts. It dominates my entire thought process and taints everything I am. My attitude is negative and I am nasty as a result. I try to think positively and set my mind to something but almost immediately the anger overtakes me. When someone has been so evil and caused so many problems that won't go away there is no way to just forget it and go forward. The problems it created stay there and cause more problems every minute of everyday. And all I can envision is her smirky attitude and thinking what a great accomplishment it is for her. Like get boasting of the damage she had done to others on the past. It doesn't matter that she hurt people who she shouldn't have only that she caused them great problems so therefore she "won". Like marrying someone so her daughter wouldn't "win". A sick evil mind that claims to have found God. I hope God finds her and shows her what He thinks of her wins...

One Whole Year...

A year ago this weekend I was in  Medford, Oregon jail as the nightmare began. An entire year that has been a total waste. How someone could be so evil and cause so much destruction in another person's life while claiming to have "found God" and stopped drinking is so contradictory I am just blown away. How her conscience doesn't haunt her constantly amazes me. But knowing now what she has done in her past it is no surprise. I only know that if there is a God He needs to avenge this crap and put a stop to the destruction she spreads upon the world. It's time she it's stopped and paid the price for what she does. It's time for Your judgement to make things right. Make it happen, Capitan...

Some Days End Better Than Others...

After all the crappy days I've had lately this one went a little smoother and ended on a better note than has been the norm lately. It wasn't a terribly productive day but I didn't sink further into the big deep one. No, throughout the day I was blessed with a few people showing they cared. It helped to stay the nighttime on a positive note. Knowing there are people who really care what happens to you helps a lot. Enough to soften the pain inflicted by the person who tried to convince you they cared and yet caused the greatest pain by actions that definitely proved otherwise. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day still to end the week and ease into the weekend. I just want an end to this nightmare and a chance to reach a point where I can just relax and not have to worry about sinking in deep. A chance to enjoy something in life and not find it all insurmountable obstacles. I guess if it happens it happens. Something happens all the time...

The Boredom Of Life...

And today it became so noticeable. The boredom of life just existing. No point to anything. No meaning. No dreams. No goals. Just nothing. All of those things which have sustained me throughout my entire life through thick and thin, good and bad, destitution and prosperity, everything that life had been to me for 60 years on this planet. Always there were my dreams and hopes and goals in life. And out of them I always found a path. A way to climb back up and out of the hole, the trap, the quagmire. But as it is now the overwhelming burden I'm weighed down with had destroyed those dreams. The realization that time is not on my side anymore. No, time had become an enemy of sorts. It's working against me. It means patience is a negative force in my life now. I can't afford to be patient. It just eats up time. Before, I always knew that something would come my way. A break was always in my tomorrows. Just hang on and the opportunity will always show up. Usually a couple of them do that I could pick and choose which one suited me and follow that path. But as those great opportunities got fewer and fewer and the last one was getting the job last December with it getting quashed by an evil bitch who was trying to hide her immoral deeds I find that the toll was taken on my psyche and it has left me buried in boredom. I'm now trying to stay alive scraping for pennies to get food, gas, a cold drink, a can of dog food, a tube of denture adhesive. The bare essentials that I need and I'm coming up short everyday. Starting each morning deeper in the hole while facing the world with anger and disdain.

Now everyday is just a day I have to get through to the night and the night is just find somewhere I can hang until I sleep. Then wake up in the morning and do it all again. So isn't it wonderful that I was able to pull myself out of the big abyss and was set to start the year with dreams and goals and hope and expectations beginning to bear fruit only to have a sleazy, low life, slut destroy it all when she is the one who broke laws, commandments, vows, promises, intentions, etc. And she's the one responsible for teaching, guiding and protecting a young life and instilling morals and integrity in that life and shaping him for the future to influence the world her lives in while, hopefully, making it better. And if he grows up to be another one of her won't that be special? All of this accomplished with the help of a legal system that should be locked up as well. I don't think it can get better because it had been getting worse all along and shows no sign of correcting itself. So on and on we go with boredom leading the way. One day it will get to the point where anarchy will rule and then maybe there will be some excitement to bring back hope. One can only dream...

Called An Attorney Today...

I called an attorney today and low and behold there is an answer to this. Kinda like the OJ Simpson thing: Civil Court! There is a different set of laws governing civil suits in that it doesn't matter whether one is innocent or guilty. You just have to prove what is being done is vindictive and you only have to prove it with a preponderance of evidence, not beyond a shadow of doubt. And, apparently just my emails, IM'S, texts, etc. do just that. Not to mention the time she hacked my account and changed my screen name, which is a federal offense, and I even have an admission of her doing it in my IM's along with her apology. Oh boy! A civil suit would be ideal. And with homeowners insurance the pockets are deep enough to make it worthwhile for the attorney to handle it on contingency. Maybe there is a God and not the hypocrite someone seems to have found. Of course then it gets down to being all about money. But isn't that all everything gets down to anymore? Sad but true...

Fucking Cunt...

Just coming out an application online and having to go through all the bullshit for explaining my felony conviction just burns my ass. It's fucking ridiculous and I want her head on a platter. That's a fitting biblical reenactment worthy of this situation. It's going to get to the point where my anger will make this right once and for all. That's not a healthy situation. The lying fucking bitch was cheating on her husband not only with me but with the lop child molester who also needs an adjustment or two. Her problem is that she is an immoral slut who just happens to be an alcoholic dope fiend bag whore as well. And this fucked up legal system that enabled her to dodge the real bullets of her adulterous actions is another fucked up institution right along with the dick breath sheriff who facilitated the whole mess. I wish them all the worst of luck and most horrendous fate possible. FUCK YOU ALL AND MAY YOUR DEMISE BE LONG AND PAINFUL.

The More I Think On It...

The madder it makes me. All the things that caught my attention then and I ignored. The little pieces that now have meaning and all add up. And the phony "I love Jesus!" hypocrisy and going to a meeting facade just makes it that much more sickening. I hope you fry in hell. I hope both of your faces, both ugly, get plastered on billboards with a fitting headline: "I'm a worthless cunt!" What a farce. And know this. What you did to me was way wrong and I will return the favor ten fold. Make amends for those you hurt. That's a step you'll never achieve. You can't. Especially since you did the damage while claiming to have found Jesus. He wasn't lost, you are and I really don't think He believes your worth saving. So far you haven't down any redeeming qualities. A year into supposed sobriety and you haven't changed one bit. Still doing the same sin and lying from every side. You embrace the dark side. You are the dark side. And you are hated. Fry in hell...

Try, Try, Try, Why?...

I try and I try and I try again and look what it's done for me? Not a fucking thing. I don't need to hear anymore fucking useless drivel. I need to see the one who had made this an impossible situation own up and take responsibility for her lies and FIX THE FUCKING PROBLEM. Too many instances where she created big messes and ran away from responsibility leaving people's lives in shambles. It's time to ACT like the new spiritually enlightened creature your claiming to be and not just putting on a show to impress and deceive everyone. You have hurt me in the worst way and have no conscience concerning what your lies and manipulation have caused. You want to blame it all on alcohol and drugs. But that doesn't cut it, no matter what s bunch of AA game players say. So get off your ass and quit faking ta bunch of garbage and fix what you broke in your selfish ego filled spoiled ways. I want my job back and I want my life back and I want I you to pay for your evil ways. It should be you in jail and for twice as long as I got stuck there. You committed perjury, endangered a child, co signed a child molester's deeds, lied that I threatened you, set it up where I'd catch you screwing the molester, drove by me repeatedly followed by the idiot to make sure I knew you were going to the motel, took a photo of yourself in front off the room complete with your bra under the stack of shit in your arms, posted it on line, hacked my Google account numerous times, followed me on Google+ and when I blocked you sent me a request to be in my circles, called me from the mall and the hospital begging me to come see you then claiming I was stalking you, called me when I was at Mac Donalds asking me why I didn't tell you about the bastard, sent me emails to check out your phony ass posts, etc., etc., etc., on and on. Even pulling up to talk to me and tell me you didn't mind if I worked on Julie's house out drop my dog off when I went to work and then following me when I did and calling the fucking ass hole sheriff and telling then some lie to get me arrested. Your a fucking low life pieces of scum and it's time you owned up to your filthy disgusting behavior. You put on a great act but behind it all is a worthless slut who will do anything to maintain her free ride. You don't care how many lives you screw over as long as you get your way. I can honestly say I have never hated another person as much as I do you. I wish I could forget I ever knew you. But I can't when I'm constantly reminded of your evil because it affects everything in my life. And it had destroyed me from the inside. I hope you slip and get drink and then get in your car like you always did and crash into a another car where someone I'd gravelly injured and you spend 10 years in prison with that eating away at you. But you have no conscience so it probably won't bother you at all. Your a piece of shit and I HATE YOU! Again, I HATE YOU! Eat shit and fucking die...

So how do I get this anger out of me? I have tried and tried but since the cause won't un-cause it, won't even deal with it honestly, I'm stuck in this anger pool and I find no way out. I have to battle with a label I don't deserve while my own handicaps are more than enough to overcome. The real pisser is that the chain she threw around my neck is the greatest handicap of all. And it got there from her lies, manipulation and deceit. All because she couldn't own up to what was really going down. Because she doesn't seem to want to take responsibility for her part in it all.

Steps 4 & 9 are definitely being skipped in her version of 12 Steps. I doubt she will ever even truly submit to step 1.  She will never say anything had power over herself. Not the mighty Wonder Woman who can do anything. Anything but tell the truth and right her wrongs. She's never wrong. Yet she's never been right...

Banquet From Hell...

2 banquet set up positions, one st the Sheraton and Holiday Inn, and I applied but I'm not holding my breath since the very last question on three application asks about doing a background check. And with a fresh felony in my recent history how will that go? I guess I'll find out...

Might be the straw that will get me a position with the US Mail. As in a"postal" position. It would be sorry term but packed with excitement. One delivery to one familiar address. Special delivery. No signature required. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am! I can only dream...

And dreams are a waste of time and still only lead to disaster. Because there are evil liars out there whip will Fuck everything off for you because of y the need to hide the sick affairs they indulge in while hiding behind a false vail of Christianity mixed with a convoluted 12 step pile of dog shit. On just the being totally honest they flunked that one. Not to mention the pill popping and don't even think about the making things right for the one's you hurt- intentionally! Never mind the harboring a child molester and co signing his actions along with putting your own flesh and blood I harm's way. All to cover up a sick affair between two drink idiots who have never been honest in their lives and don't care who gets hurt or how much damage is caused. Just to continue denial of the real truth to the end. It's time to write a letter...

What I've Discovered...

I've diiscovered a sad truth about this world today in that hard work and the best of intentions aren't worth shit. That even if your doing to do everything possible to make your life better it's not as good as being liar, a cheat, 2-faced, phony and evil. The fact is that the latter can destroy everything the the former produces. That this legal system has nothing to do with crime and criminals. It's all about money and the easy conviction and it will ignore real crime to ensure the easy conviction is obtained. That the sheriff are nothing but crooks. That cheaters are the new winners and winners do cheat. That if you want proof that there is a God then you'll never find it. That believing that it will all get better someday is a way of stalling for time until you accept that it won't. That what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. It doesn't. It makes you more callused. And at some point, like now, there's not a thing worth trying for. The END...

One More Waste...

Another day that I got nowhere and made nothing. Not one job, some small project or simple task could I find to at least make some money for food and gas. Almost out of the gas I put in Tuesday. Got a little food for Xz still so that's covered. Can't get the doctors appointment I need until December! December of over 4 months away. Obama-care. What a joke. I am amazed at how the politicians and reporters pump the health care issue and say all is so much better. Just like when the claim the World Trade Center was knocked over by jets crashing into them. The 3rd one to fall was never hit by anything except debris from the other two. And why would they collapse from the base when they were hit up top? And all of them feel perfectly straight down. Along with the sound of explosives in succession and small blasts shooting out just ahead of the collapse. Another big lie. She probably spun that one, too. Everything is a big fucking lie anymore. I'd be better off just going out and robbing and stealing whatever I need out want. I'll get blamed for it anyway.

I think I'll go do that. Gotta eat. Need gas. And I'm thirsty. Ask and I shall receive... Yeah, right. It's only the liars and thieves that get that.

And I get a text from Metro reminding me that my bill is due tomorrow. Looks like it's back to Wi-Fi...

I Get Nowhereby Therefore Elsewhere...

Another day, another nothing. Getting kinda predictable. And very  frustrating. Very unnecessary. Totally unacceptable. Shouldn't be this way. I finally had that parachute that would have kept me from slamming into the earth. But somebody blew holes in it. Someone very twisted. Whose own parachute was strained in her own free fall.

What's the use...She will never answer to any of it. She'll keep the pretenses up to the end. And no telling what lies she used to get the sheriff here. Of coarse I'm the monster. How could I forget. I've been such a menace. What great stories are made of.

Company Policy...

"I'm sorry Mr. Neukam but our company policy is that we don't hire people with a felony under 5-years old. It had been our experience that any less than that they usually end up in trouble again. While your case is much different than most felony offenders that we have had experience with in the past it is still a felony conviction and company policy prohibits me from making exceptions. I wish there was a way around this but my hands are tied."

Well, what a surprise that I would hear those words spoken to me in an interview. I would have never imagined it. What a great thing to hear. It means when I'm 65 they would be able to hire me. And, of course, they would hire me a year after average retirement age. Even though I'd still be 5-years short of 70, the latter date of retirement. So I just need to survive for 5 more years and I might have a shot at employment. That would be the same lapse of time since my house fire and those 5 years took such a toll on me that I'm surprised I survived until now. And those 5 - the past year being the most damaging - turned me from an overly optimistic, positive can do anything person into a grumpy, angry, bitter, beaten down and battered soul. Perfect candidate for a customer service position......with the KGB! Maybe the next Hitler will need a PR man...Or I'll get to run my own oven. Guess what my first bake off will have as the main ingredient? No doubt about it...

To Think That's What I Feel...

I can't believe that I'm left with the feelings, the emotions, that I now have. For someone to inspire such a negative aura in me they must have done things way out of the norm and they must have been pretty extreme. It's not unreasonable to say the things she did were so extreme that as things were happening I would never have imagined what would transpire. Just getting the restraining order was so out of line that I was so stunned that it blinded me. She threatened to get it even the day before she asked me to please drive her to Oregon to pick up the puppy. And after getting it she became an evil nut case setting things up over and over. Emails, IM's and phone calls. Inviting me to the mall and before that calling me from the hospital because mine was the only number she could remember as she came out of anesthesia after her surgery. Letting me know it was the best time to come see her. And when I finally showed up late that night the nurse greeted me and told me she was anxiously waiting for me and was worried I wouldn't show up. And then for her to tell everyone I showed up but was stalking her and she needed a private room to hide. How absurd. Doors she have no conscience? How does she live work herself? The guilt should eat her up inside. And finally telling me and Julie both that she didn't care that I did work in Julie's house and when I fixed the water heater she followed me when I left and had me arrested telling a big lie to go along with it all.

And tell me how I just forget these things and forget that she framed me with a felony that will never go away. No I won't forget and I won't forgive. I will go to the end of the earth to make this right. She had pulled these evil stunts in the past and even bragged a about them to me. This fucking nut case needs to be locked in a cage. And everyone who had assisted her needs to be in that cage with her. I'm full of anger still and it doesn't go away. So what would you do. The same fucking thing I'm sure of that. She is a menace and her hiding behind AA and going to church are just part of her little game. Time for this game to stop and her to suffer the consequences. I've had it with this bull shit and it better get straightened out fast. It's like if Dorothy Puente asked me to cash indeed of the checks of the people she killed and I unwittingly did and when she is caught she says she killed all those people because I cashed the checks for her. And I get a life sentence while Puente goes free and opens another boarding house. Sounds ridiculous but it isn't far from the reality of this situation...

In A Perfect World...

In a perfect world: People like her would not exist. People like her would be burned at the areas stake. People like her would be tarred and feathered. People like her would be stoned to death. People like her would be banished to an island far from civilization. People like her would be shamed for showing their faces in public. People like her would be hanged. People like her would be beheaded. People like her would be boiled by cannibals. People like her would make cannibals sick. People like her would be held accountable and pay dearly. People like her would be devoured by lions. In a perfect world people like her would not exist. This world is far from perfect. This world should be destroyed. Where's Hitler when you need him?

It's All Hate...

It all adds up to one thing... I hate her like nothing else ever. There is nobody in my life that has ever treated me so wrong that I stayed angry this long and still hatred them. Nobody ever! To do to me what she had done is the most disgusting thing ever done to me. And everyone says to just say, "Oh well..." And forget about it. Fuck all of you. Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Not a chance. This will be made right if it's the last thing I ever do. She has played this game too many times and it's time she paid the price. I hate her. I despise her.

Fuck You Too...

I was wrong for not staying away from her? When did I not? Not knowing what she said for over a year and how she would call me - more than once or twice - or email or Google+ or Hangouts, like the August 29, 2014 message where she invites me to video chat with her and IMO. Yet she is supposed to be getting a RO at the same time. Or the phone call, 3 of them on Thanksgiving Day, 2 months after getting the RO, wanting me to come to the mall and get Disney stuff that they were giving away. Or the call about why I didn't tell her sooner about the child molester. And all the emails saying she posted something I should read. The fucking point is if she made contact with me then that basically cancels the RO, it it should. But I reply and I'm the felon? Doesn't this seem ludicrous? It sure does... And who displayed the violent actions me than once? Not me. I was angry and posted cardboard signs. Wow... Those have put a lot of people in the hospital. Thankfully all she did was stab me in the cheek with a knife. And hit me in the face repeatedly. I'm so glad those signs didn't leave any scars on that sweet smiling face of hers. She should have her face rearranged but I'm not the one to do it. I'd rather wait for the train to take her out. I pray for it constantly...

I'm Pissed...

I'm so pissed thinking about what that bitch has done and gotten away with. And the assistance she received from the foul sheriff. Since when does someone do so many things against the law and break the 10 commandments and just plain be so evil and destroy a life because it's less embarrassing than telling the truth if what she did. But she blames it on her relapse and the alcohol and she doesn't remember and she remembers perfectly and she never said anything like that and he followed me to the hospital and is stalking me and he sent me emails but she never called me or text or email or showed up in the parking lot and stopped and initiated the conversation. She's a liar of the lowest denominator. And a legal system that allows it to happen is totally fucked up and needs to be reformed. And all the legal players need their assess jailed and that includes the judges. It's fucked up and out had fucked me over. So fuck the entire system. Anarchy is sounding better and better and better every time I think of it. Because I have no respect for this system anymore. None.

You've Got Mail...

Oh Boy! Finally got my mail. An unemployment notice that I hadn't worked enough in the last year do my weekly benefits are $0.00. And bills from the county for thousands of dollars for the wonderful privilege of going to jail BECAUSE OF A FUCKING LYING, 2-FACED BITCH WHO SHOULD BE IN JAIL INSTEAD. A CUNT WHO CAN'T ADMIT WHAT SHE DID AND NEEDS A LOT OF KARMA TO GET HER AND YANK HER OFF THAT PEDESTAL SHE CLIMBED UP ON.

Then there's the check from Public Storage got $11 for the amount they got for the unit and what was owed. $11 for everything I owned including my mom's ashes and my family history. Every picture I had left. Every fucking thing that had any sentimental value. Many shoes. First lock of hair. Report cards. Letters. Everything! I made out like a bandit. Wow!

Every day it just gets drilled in deeper what a fucking piece of shit liar can do. WHAT A CUNT! I hate her so much more today. If love to see the train jump the tracks and run over her car. I pray for that kind of luck to bless her.

Going Through Old Emails...

I went through my email accounts and cleaned up some junk in them and came across a lot of stuff sent to me by a certain individual and it's amazing what you notice in hindsight. The timing of things, the dates, the attitude, the changed attitude, the sweet dialogue in one with concern and things like, "your popcorn is on the back table." And the flip out accusations about dope and the bible and not knowing her. And mix that with the days she'd call me and say, "why didn't you tell me?" and stuff like that referring to when the child molester's wife told me what he was doing and how sweet she sounded on the phone all concerned. And then shooting an email accusing me of sending her 76 emails. When the fact was she was following me on Google+ and got an email every time I posted anything, which was her choice because when I found she was doing that I reminded her from my circles. At which I received a request for being in my circles so I sent an email asking what she thought she was doing. And after I denied the inclusion in my circles it was the very next day she followed me and had me arrested. That's the kind off fucked up shit she pulls and the DA was stupid enough to fall for it all. And my Public Defender was more interested in being a DA do I got no representation at all. And with this now fucking me over for the rest of my life nobody can see why I'm bitter? There is no justice in this country if it can't fix this and it should be looking at her and the laws she broke - all far more serious than anything I did or was accused of doing - and if upholding the law is really the top priority for them and not just the record off convictions they can boast about when it comes time to get a raise our promotion then why don't they get things done. Because they don't want to do anything that might require then to actually work and gather evidence. Even though most all of it is in my records and what isn't can be gotten from the T-Mobil phone records of hers. Including much of the communication between us since for a year she had my phone on her account. That was a way she would use to control and punish me. Turn it off for no reason and when she wanted something she would turn it on. Turn it off and kick me out off the car in Seattle. And the time I got a phone and it wasn't under her control she first got the phone and re set it but didn't save the account info so it wouldn't work and after I got it fixed she stole the phone. I tracked the phone on line and guess where it was at?

I also found the emails from Google letting me know my account was hacked and my screen name was changed to Tricky Dicky or something close to that. And it happened again the end off last year. And how many of those 76 emails were sent when it was hacked? Close to that time were emails and text and IM's apologizing for weird stuff and I'm guessing it could have been her guilty conscience causing her to send them. Well she seems to have her conscience subdued because what she has done the past 6 months is fast worse and should cause her grief if she really does have a conscience.

And I really don't believe she had stopped drinking. Just went back to hiding it real good. She used to brag about how nobody could tell when she was drinking and how she hid bottles all over the house and yard and in the car and on and on. Besides, she still goes to Kings Liquor an awful lot, for cigs would be an excuse, even though she had supposedly stopped smoking, too. Besides that, the child molester used to drop a bag off quite often that she'd claim were clothes for the kids. Always the kids as an excuse. Like serving lunch at a church she doesn't go to with a guy who wouldn't know how to serve lunch to himself. Just too many holes in all of her excuses and a track record of lies and, being a party to one off her bigger ones, they get ready to spot. And I'm the monster while she's just the innocent victim off someone she just wanted to help. Please! And blaming her daughter for doing something to me that caused it all when she was a victim too... Typical sociopath.

One More Day Wasted...

Another day wasted getting nowhere. Not a thing accomplished or anything to give me hope. Wasted what little gas I had and spent more than I earned. Because I didn't make a thing. Another day of spinning my wheels and moving around. Getting nowhere and making no progress. Not one job lead. Not even a bad one. Couldn't get any more of a waste than that. If it's gonna need a waste I should waste it the way it will help me the most. Maybe I will...

From August 27, 2014...

From Hangouts IM almost a year ago, 2 days before I was asked to drive to Oregon.

By the time you get this you ether have slept or did your thing.   I know we've changed drastically because you don't even call , sms, im.to say good night you werent gonna even walk me outside to my car.  I'm very sorry for what my daughter did and how she is but u my dear will be the last the second and the last person she gets to do that with to hurt me .  I think we should part now as we end ed last night with a bang and I don't_ever want to forget that .  I haven't been able to think about  nothing else qn yuk one .

And then on September 5, 2014 at just past midnight - we had gone to Safeway just a few hours before this, then 12 hours later she pulled the stunt in her shed...

Dear Lord tonight I ask of you to help someone else I care for dearly to protect him  and keep him safe for me.  And as you lifted my urges for that ugly man made drug I ask you do the same for him.   In Jesus name I pray.    Amen

How does someone say those things and even pray in Jesus' name and then do what she did after that. I can't begin to understand it. So many contradictions.

And it haunts me still. Because the things she did later caused far too much damage. And are totally opposite of "what would Jesus do?" It's why in still so angry and confused. And it keeps eating at me. Can't she see the damage she caused? All because of some manufactured violence she claims will happen. And it was her violence a week before that bashed my face in. Wow. What a fucked up world that would allow this to happen. It has destroyed my faith. If that's the way God watches out for His children I'd rather be an orphan...

Hotter Than The Weather...

Stuck here in this miserable heat, watching poor Xz suffering and knowing that I should be at work and Xz should be in a house with AC except for some low life liar and her evil games. The anger never leaves. Her acts of hatred are an ever lasting cloud that won't leave me. It boils my blood thinking about it. And it's worse in the heat. Just to let out go would be stupid. She'll do it again and again. She'll never change. Sociopaths don't get cured. They hide in places like rehab blaming alcohol and dope for what they've done. Eventually people see through it as they find they didn't quit anything, they just got better at hiding it. But it will all come undone one day. Just won't be soon enough for me...

A Dream That Died...

The end if last year while I was working at the Center I had an idea that I was sure would make a profit. I wanted to start a breakfast bagel stand that had the potential to expand and the overhead would be relatively inexpensive. I wanted to make up some carts that could be rolled to a busy intersection where the bagels world be dispensed. I wanted to make the bagels myself, which world require a large oven and racks, but I had a few ideas in that, too. I wanted to make some special flavor bagels such as an apple flavor, garlic and parmesan, sun dried tomato and basil, etc. I would caramelize cheese on a grill, like Squeeze Burger, and scramble eggs with onion, bell peppers, celery and smoked salmon - locks - and put that on the cheese, food it over and put it in the bagel. Simple but a little different and more healthy than the egg muffin or breakfast jack available.

The thing I thought could make it work would be a smart phone app to order and pay for it all. That and a cup of camel coffee to wash it down and both the coffee and sandwich for $5. The phone app would use GPS to let me know when the customer was getting close and since it would all be paid for via Google Wallet or a similar service there would be no money exchange just hand the food to the customer as they pull up to the intersection. Quick, simple, hassle free and so convenient. I had it figured that in the time period of 6am to 9am I could sell from 100 to maybe 200 on a good day. Realistically, the product shouldn't cost more than$2.50-$3.00 for both in bulk. Probably a lot less once suppliers are shopped and found and production efficiency is dialed in.

It was a great idea but with all that had happened this year I'm stuck under it's weight and list my motivation and drive. They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. That has nothing to do with anything here at all. But it's better than "Good morning, good morning, the best to you each morning, with a K - E - double L - Oh - double G, Kellogg best to you!" Or Wheaties, breakfast of champions. Whatever...

Monday Morning...

It's Monday morning and Monday mornings have never been my favorite. So far, this one had been okay. I can't say it's gonna be a start of a good week. Just not another crappy start. Got nowhere to go. Nowhere to be. Nothing to do. Not a thing I care about. I just know it will be hot all day and it's already starting to get that way. Time To Just go back to sleep. Let it all go away. I miss the comfort I once found in the shade under the lemon tree. It was quiet and peaceful. Just a nice place to be. I remember before that how nice it was in the backyard when the clovers were in bloom. I remember the picture I took years ago of the flower there and the one off the bee on the trumpet vine. I lost all those pictures when I lost my storage. I lost all of my photos, the few I had left after the fire. Memories lost. As memories fade. It seems so useless sometimes. No. It is useless. Better to not remember any of it. Better to not give a shit. So I don't...

I'm Grateful Today...

I'm Grateful today thanks to some caring people who were there to help me out. It softens the anger and makes the day feel more fulfilled. Maybe it's what I needed to stop this downward spiral. I just want the week to start out with a little hope that won't get doused with negative energy from unexpected sources. This mess is going to be tough to get out of. And it's going to include removing this bogus felony off my back and seeing it put where out truly belongs. The sad part is I don't have enough working years left to have it done and make a difference to me. But I will not accept it nor will I forgive and most certainly I will not forget it and that you can bank on. And that's what it is to soften the anger. Not much different.

Too Filthy To Go Inside...

I tried to clean up so I could go to church this morning. I found a clean pair of pants and an acceptable shirt. Shaved and cleaned up as best I could. But I still feel filthy and don't have the guts to go inside. It also has to do with all of this anger inside me. It has made me so bitter I don't want to try to put on a phony front of, "I'm fine and you?". I don't hide my feelings well at all. I know I'm not supposed to let that prevent me from going in to worship the Lord. But it had me stalled in the parking lot. I want to overcome this anger but right now it had crippled me. I've prayed that this anger will leave me and that I can continue on and crawl back above ground. But I'm angry at God for letting this happen to me. I can't get past it.

I know God loves me and I know He has helped me through all the tough times in my life. But how He allowed this to happen to me is being me. To have such a major setback happen when I had struggled so hard to get out of this hole just boggles my mind. In my entire life He had never allowed such evil to damage me. I know He was the reason I was able to get through the devastation of my car wreck, all the operations, my mom's death, my drinking and substance abuse, my many failures in all areas of my life. And I know I was the one who caused all of those problems. But this time I know I don't deserve to have such a huge problem to deal with when I didn't do what I was accused of. It was all distorted and set up by someone who was guilty of far worse crimes - some against me! - and she gets away with doing this. Please tell me why. It sucks and I will not just accept it. I want to know why. And I want it fixed. I don't find any of it a learning experience. These things aren't teaching me anything but how to be angry. I just can't accept it. So how do I overcome the anger so I can face life each day and not start each day feeling defeated. Because that's how I feel and it won't go away...

Another Fucking Day...

I wish I could just stay asleep. Everything is just fine then. Nothing to cause problems and no one to have to avoid. Not a thing to deal with. It doesn't matter where you go out what you do. All is great then and a smile is easy to produce. Everything is perfect. Who cares if your angry? Or sad? Or tired, because your not tired when your asleep. And you can choose who is there or who isn't. Or if nobody is there! It just doesn't matter. Nothing does. So I choose to be sleeping rather than be awake and have to deal with anyone or anything. It's like the middle of the night. Hardly anyone there and easy to avoid anyone who is. That's the problem with this world. People are everywhere and people cause the problems. The world could use a good plague...

Unsurpassed Anger...

I have never been so consumed with anger. Never in my life has there been something so wrong that I can't get it out of my system. I've had some bad e experiences before but they all were resolved and easily forgotten. This time nothing had been resolved. And it won't be. The only alternative is that the cause is punished for their lies and foul actions. It's the only way it will be resolved. Nothing else can happen. She'll never own up to her lies. Never take responsibility for her hateful deeds. She has always gotten away with everything. She has no conscience. No morals. Blaming her addiction on it all. Saying she doesn't remember. Except when it's something she wants to remember. Just a phony piece of low life scum that wants the world to think she is innocent of anything bad. I just can't help but be angry at someone so 2 faced. Just like calling me to the hospital and telling me all her lies to my face and then telling everyone I just showed up there. What a fucking liar. It calling me 3 times on Thanksgiving Day to come to Arden Fair to get the Disney Snow Balls for her Christmas presents for her nieces and playing that video. Acting all happy to see me and telling me how much she missed me. How did she explain that one? When someone lies about everything they do how can you not be angry when they do such evil shit to you. How can you not want to make them own up to their bull shit? She had to be mentally ill and that is dangerous to the rest of the world. She needs to be in a mental hospital. Not allowed to run wild destroying lives. A fucking lobotomy is the answer.

It Sure Did Distract Me...

I was obsessed with the way my house was taken from me. And I still believe there was a lot of crooked shit pulled to get to where they could tear it down. And I believe with a good lawyer I could have been compensated - no, SHOULD have been compensated - well. But since no lawyer got involved I got fucked over big time.

And now I'm being fucked over by a person who was supposed to be a special friend. Someone who put on a big act for over a year and had me convinced of one thing while she told the world another version. Yes I was stupid. And trusted someone who has done nothing but lie to everyone for a long time. Like her entire life. Turns out she was nothing she tried to convince me she was. And she never have a shit about me in any way, shape out form. That would be tough to get over on its own but the thing that has made it so tough is the real person she is has no feelings at all. She cares about herself and nobody else. She will throw anyone under the bus in a second just to protect her lies. And if she hadn't fucked my life up so bad I wouldn't give her another thought. She would be a joke I would laugh at. Because being what she is and seeing what she wants the world to believe she is does make me laugh. The funny thing is everyone she thinks she's fooling already knows what a farce she is. They already laughed at b her but she can't figure it out. What a fucking joke. At least it would be if she hadn't created such a serious mess for me. Someday it will come back on her. When it does, I want to be there for a good laugh. Maybe then the anger will go away. Too bad she doesn't...

It Can't Be Done...

I want to know how you block from your mind someone who had hurt you do much that your entire life is now marred because of what they unnecessarily did. Someone who flip flopped back and forth and then went completely off the deep end turning nothing into a great big fucking mess. Someone who created and continued a relationship and then denied it's very existence. Or claimed not to remember anything because of the alcohol. That does not give them the right to lie and make false police reports and abuse the system to unnecessarily destroy another person's life. That is a crime that should be punished and the price should be ten times what I was framed with. All the while some piece of shit drunk who his own wife claimed was "beating her and abusing the kids" is being protected by her. This system is fucked up and do are the 2 faced people who claim the children are the priority. They hide behind the children to justify their actions when the fact is they just expose the children to even worse things. That's a real brave honest soul. But who cares what harm it's caused some homeless bozo. They just run and hide behind a church that only cares what they stuff in the basket when it's passed around. It really should be time for Jesus to make his return and, with eyes burning red, judge them all because when He does come back it won't be to save anyone. Just to judge and destroy. Maybe there is something to look forward to. Too bad it will include the complete destruction of the world along with it. At least there will be a second or two of satisfaction...

A Year Ago...

I think back to one year ago and after a trip to Seattle which was both wonderful and crazy in what happened and if I would have been told the next year would go the way it did I would have laughed at whoever told me such. I'm not laughing...

Driving around Seattle going to awesome yard sales. Going to little fishing villages and watching the youngster climb onto a huge rock. Taking pictures of her and her son and grandson . Her passing mgr that George Strait song "Cross My Heart". Playing catch in the front yard. Meeting her son, who really is a fantastic young man. Watching him play softball and hitting 3 homeruns. Fireworks in the 4th. It was the best vacation I've had in years . Getting dumped in downtown Seattle was a bit off the hook but I had gotten used to the occasional bizarre incidences. A 30 mile ride on light rail put me back in touch. And she acted like nothing out of the ordinary happened even talking me to the motel room right away for a tune up! No big deal...

And she wasn't using on that trip. At least that she let me know. Just the constant drinking and the pain pills she claims she never took. I know better.

Then the end of August and the trip to Oregon. The text on the 28th when she was upset over something, I don't know what. She said she was getting a court order against me but then 2 days later being me to drive her to Oregon. Then she flipped out and attacked me on the way home sending us both to jail. I get back the next week and the text saying she was glad I made our home and that she wished me well but good bye. Then the following night taking me to Safeway and walking around the store apologising and hanging on me and wanting to buy me candy and on and on. Then making plans for the next night, Friday. And that night as the child molester kept driving by and stopping 5 times she texts me to come over. I reluctantly went only to find her in the shed with Mr. Molester. And I wasn't supposed to be angry? This is how you end something that at one time ass the only thing that made you happy. This is how you treat someone who bent over backwards trying to cater to your every want and desire? You treat them like garbage and then lie to make them look like they are going to harm you? Even though she was the one who physically assaulted me 3 times, one stabbing me in the cheek with a knife. This is the person who claims she blacks out and doesn't remember things but had such selective memories of only what she wants to remember. Wow. She belongs in a mental institute. Shock treatment. Lobotomy. Water boarding...

I get my life torn apart and destroyed but that's okay. I'm just a homeless bozo. Sounds like a child molester taking to me. And claiming to get sober with a bag full of pills from guess who? I'd say there is criminal behavior happening and not by me. I think someone needs to get their ass stomped and real good. Someone whose own wife accused of harming her and the kids. There is a serious crime there that gets ignored while the idiot sheriff haunts me. Why aren't they interested in getting to the truth there. Too much work. Incapable. Incompetent. Just plain stupid, nor likely.

Stabler Dead?...

I can't believe it. I just heard Kenny Stabler died. The greatest quarterback ever! The guy that could pull a win from the impossible. At 69 he's gone. And doesn't that make me feel good about the fucking mess I've been thrust into. I will just get more angry so forget it. I wish it were her, not Stabler I was reading about. Something that would make me smile...

Friday Night, Wow!...

Oh Boy! Friday night. Really something to look forward to. Used to be something when I worked all week. A night to relax, watch a movie, go get ice cream, something anyway. Some garlic pop corn. But just relax cause the weekend I'd here. So what now? Just extra noise to put up with. More ass hole sheriff hovering around. Stupid drunks too put up with. So much fun. Isn't life great?...

No Other Way Top Feel...

There's no getting around it. No other way to feel. I hate that fucking 2-faced lying bitch. I hate her and I wish her all the worst life can bring her. It's hard to believe I could feel this way but given the b problems she had created for me with all of her lies, deceit, manipulation, underhanded bull shit, twisted truths and just plain sleazy behavior I wish her every misfortune imaginable. I hope her knees fail and she gets stuck in a shell chair. I hope even worse things will befall her. I hope for it all to happen soon. I do not forgive her and never will I forget the crap she pulled. The out and out lies. The sleazy acts with the child molester. The phone calls she made to me in November and December. And when she gets called on those things and pays the price then I'll l let it go. Until then, no, I won't. She's pulled this shit too many times and gotten away with it. Not this time. Not a chance. I hate that bitch. She's nothing but low life scum. And it won't change.

No End...

Never ends. Never get nowhere. Staying here. Nowhere to go. Nothing to accomplish. Nothing to gain. Lost what was important and can't get it back. Let the anger bubble up and take cover when it releases. The only fix needed. It had to happen. It will...

Oh Boy! Oh Boy!

Another day is here. Another waste of time. Another day to just wait and watch nothing. Another day to think of ways to seek vengeance. Another day to pray that disaster will come down upon the rotten bitch. Another day to wait for nothing good. Because nothing good has happened for a long time and even when it did some piece of shit fucked it off, too. It's hard to just forget when it had such profound effects on every fucking minute of the rest of your days. It's difficult when the only thing that would help is to return the favor. The difficulty then is trying to be that evil in order to accomplish that task. Maybe if I pickled my brain in alcohol it would be easy and then I'd just say I don't remember and I wouldn't have to take responsibility for anything.

I don't like having my life turned into a meaningless existence. But that's what a spoiled, good for nothing, manipulative, dope smoking, drunken, pill popping, liar has accomplished to do. How can anyone accept that? I can't...

Another Day And More Nothing...

A pointless day full of nothing. Nothing done. Nothing accomplished. Nothing solved. Nothing fixed. Nothing but nothing. Nothing but anger inside. Nothing more to say. All over a nothing...

Today Is Just Tomorrow Early...

Another day just like the ones before it. Same thing just differently numbered. So what? Another day to look forward to being haunted by the intimidating officers who are complicit with the root cause. It is a bunch of crap. I should be working at the Center and living in a residence where I can shit, shave and shower each morning before I begin my day. Instead I'm at the dentist in dirty clothes, unsaved and feeling like shit! And I just don't care anymore. It would take so much to get civilized I would never get here. So let them plug their noses.

I don't even care much if they get these dentures adjusted. I've got them to where I can at least eat with only minor discomfort. Not ideal but a lot better than they were for the first week and a half. Have to use that adhesive and it falls occasionally. But after the initial glueing and the overage is wiped off the teeth and gums it's workable.

Got to get a primary care doctor as I tried to do yesterday and failed. The soonest I could get an appointment was December! How wonderful Obama-care has made the medical system today... I guess it will have to be Kaiser emergency room to get anywhere. How I can ever get referred to Dr. Nielsen for my hip is probably not gonna happen. I just know that my hip needs a new liner and it will get rid of the pain it causes both to the hip and to my lower back since as the liner wore down over the last 26 years the left leg is shorter and it causes scoliosis. And it is easy for me to see it taking place in the way that I wear my shoes out. As I it gets shorter my got twists when I walk and the door wears on the inner toe area of the sole. That's been happening for some years now. The liner must be close to paper thin. It will be metal on metal next. Then I won't need to boost my vitamin consumption of stainless steel. Somehow I don't see an increased amount of nickel in my system as being a good thing. I wonder why they didn't electrocote the joint with the Nichosel process. A shower hard surface that's friction free that Kawasaki pioneered on motocross bikes. It's hard enough that it would last a lifetime. Ah, who gives a shit? I have a Teflon liner and it wears and was supposed to have been replaced after 10 years and that means I'm closer to when the third one should have been done.

Well, I was right. The dentist wants the bone to heal another 5 months before they do a re-line of the dentures. So now ask the way to January before it will get done. It was going to be last January that I hit these things but it was delayed until July. Which means if I got them in January like I was supposed to it would have been re-lined last month and completed. But I take full responsibility for causing the delay. Gotta hate sometimes, gotta hate...

I Was Ready To Sleep...

I was all ready to go to sleep and now I'm just wound up and full of anger. Thanks you fucking slimy pigs. Thanks. I hope someday they will name part of RCCC in your honor! It's really a lousy thing to say. But your good at putting me in a lousy mood. And why I'd that child molester still roaming the streets. Oh, that would require work to investigate. Never that when you can invent your own criminals and their crimes. Makes me proud to be an American...

And You Say To Just Forget It..

It's the reason it can't be forgotten. I have to put up with the same lame harassment all the time. Everywhere I go. I hate the lying evil bitch and the hypocrisy she displays. And her 2 faced ways. If the fucking idiots took a look at her record and noticed how many times she's done this same little act. 2 years ago for revenge on her "husband" for him claiming she assaulted by threatening with knowledge. I don't even give a duck anymore but if they stayed way the Fuck away from me I wouldn't have to think about it. Go out and fight crime and take risks with the violent criminals. Unless that's too scary for them. They might get hurt. Wouldn't that be a shame? I don't even have sympathy for them. They are a sign of the decay off the American way of life. They are the epitome of end of freedom. Just like a woman who abused the system and therefore bare false witness and all the while claims to have "found God and is following Jesus". If that were so she would have fallen off the cliff because Jesus ran the demons over the edge and destroyed them. Like the Pied Piper sending the vermin to their death. Like over said all along, why try when it's all set up to stop me. I don't need anymore disappoint-ment. Just like now, why would she pull through 7 11. More set ups? Not the new found Christian in all of her self righteous indignation. I never... I can count on one hand all the times she told me the truth. With multiple spare fingers. What a joke. And, yes, I'm bitter and will be for a long time. Probably longer than I have years left to live. Someone said they don't understand hatred our extreme anger. Because you haven't merry the right woman. Our is that the wrong woman. For sure it ain't no lady...

So fuck all of you. You all get s an equal amount of hatred thrown your way. Because you rubber stamp her bull shit and perpetuate her lies. Because none of you will call her on it and point out that she was the one off the hook doing things she claims she doesn't even remember doing. But she remembers do much that didn't even happen. Isn't that special. Praise the Lord and pass the puke bag.

Fucking Bull Shit..

I can't believe it. No, I fully do believe it. The stupid fucking pigs, and pigs is the most fitting way to describe them, are a bunch of idiots. The resources they - Mr. SUV (Stupid Ugly Vermin) - miss use and waste are fucking ridiculous. Pulling up across from me as I sat in front of the apartments on Maison watching a Utube video and not bothering a fucking thing. Anything to get your little weenie sucked. Shows the lack of morals in the officers who can't even see the truth if it kicks them in the fucking teeth. They'll believe anything as long as theirs a gain for them. Just like the night the pick up truck fake pig rolled up to my van. Because I was returning the wood that was piled in my van because somebody wouldn't pay for the dump fee and expected me to. And that one told me to dump it in a dumpster somewhere. That's legal, now isn't it. What a pile of horse shit. All of them.

And since its obvious from the emails I still have that she contacted me many times after getting the restraining order - MANY TIMES - I would say that's a set up. And were they involved with that? Collusion? No surprise from the most corrupt and Nazi-ish police force in America. The little SUV dick sure spend a lot of his time and the taxpayers money in this few block area. No wonder there is so much crime that gets away with it when they aren't out patrolling where the criminals are. But what should I expect. They assisted code enforcement in fucking me over.

With Something To Look Forward To...

I remember when I was working at Koropp Speakers out of high school the day would sometimes drag on and what would make it easier to endure was looking forward to what I would do that evening. Going to old Sac to skateboard n down the spiral ramp out through the tunnel. Running laps at Encina and working out on the bars. Our maybe going to Daredevil or Hazel to ride my MX bike. Or riding the 10-speed to Discovery Park and back before sunset. Our taking the BMX bike out wheelieing and jumping. Maybe just taking Keeska to the river or a drive to the lookout spot on Highway 50 in El Dorado Hills to watch the sun set on the valley. And then the times I was at Sierra it would be looking forward to going to party first with Kelly and later Jill or just going to the Club 400. Those were done crazy days. Actually, nights....as in all night long! And I'd usually stop the partying to get to work on time. Grab breakfast at Jack in the Box with an extra large ice tea that would last till lunch and then go to the old Kilgore cemetery with my lunch and eat there I the shade before I'd time up and go back to the warehouse. If course there were the real tough mornings when I'd make it to my desk but immediately hit the bathroom and crash on the floor for a couple of hours. The girls in the front office, Dena and Chris then the one I hired followed by Michelle, would take all my calls and come back there to find out what I wanted to do with them then they'd go call them back and take their order. That only happened a few times but I was sure lucky they did what they did. That was the paid that destroyed me and I had to regroup and re-establish myself in a new career, which was maintenance. A little tougher than sales but more consistent. And more rewarding to me. The sales were rewarding money wise but not when you had a bad sales month and made no commission...

The point of all of this is that there is nothing to look forward to all day except getting through the day only to be bored all night sitting in the van trying to not stand out and maybe watching some show on Hulu until I fall asleep and go to MacDonald's for breakfast. Then do it all  again. No accomplishments during the day. Not a single thing to get excited about. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just surviving another day in order to get to the next and repeat out all again. I can hear it now. Wah wah wah! Stop feeling sorry for yourself. It's all your own fault. Whether it is out not isn't the point. I used to get a lot of satisfaction doing the little projects I did and helping people out that needed it. Like working in the retirement homes. That was rewarding. But now I can never ever get a job in one again. Not with a felony. DoJ won't allow that via Live Scan. But that's the way it now is. What does it matter to her? Not a thing. The sad part is she shouldn't be allowed to work around children or the elderly or anything. Someday that will become obvious to all. Probably too late however.

Just Can't Shake The Funk...

It's on overload. It's weighted me down. A funk keeps crushing me under it's weight. So thick, so hot, so pervasive. I intend to defeat it each morning. I start out with a chance in my head. But when I try to put things in action I get trapped with depression and realization that I'm up against the wall. And I am tired of slamming into that wall. Or trying to get over it or around I it or even tunneling under it. But I get stuck. I get trapped. I get angry. I get fed up. And I get trapped. Explain that. And I could tell mostly every thing I could imagine from mind over matter to you can't let them win and I just don't care enough anymore. The wind had been removed from my sails and I just drift into the eddy. I don't b even try to paddle with my last oar. I just toss it or the window. Can't even catch a rogue wave to at least liven it up a little. So now what?

What A Surprise...

And of course the total surprise had to take place. The arrival of the law. The law that has turned it all ass backwards and turned me into the monster when the psycho liar manipulates everything. How is it that on August 28 I got a text telling me I was a nut case yet the next day I'm asked if I'll drive her to Oregon. Not to mention what took place along the way... And what was said and done. And after that blew up a week later taking me to Safeway and restating what was said on the way up and making plans for the next night. If course the plans real intent wasn't the one I was told. Enough said there. It just reminded me of why I still am consumed with hatred and animosity. And then the invite in early September to video chat. All taking place after I was tools I wasn't welcome around her house. Sure a lot of things that don't add up. And I was the threatening one? Even though she said it was her relapse that caused her to do w what she did she can't admit that the behavior she exhibited for months prior was erratic. That's the understatement of the year. It was that erratic behavior that used to start the crazy agreements that I admit I followed through with. But after so many times being accused of "having company" and such that I would get mad. And how many times did she do that and then claim she was just messing with me. And it wasn't me making that's but her with having me hurt by relatives. Our even killed! Because she created such s big mess for me I can't m just let it go. There was no reason for I it. It was all her psycho behavior that pushed things so far. I was wrong to keep it up but just like the phone call I got in December when she said, "Why didn't you tell me?" she would break her RO and contact me and then when I'd reply she'd start saying she was threatened. It's so fucking ludicrous and she l knows it. A big act. And why would I be bitter?

Why The Smoke Screen?...

It seems the smoke in the air is a product from the Travis AFB fire being blown into the area by the Delta Breeze. A long way away but even so it had an effect on our air. A slight f filtering of the sun and burning eyes and labored breathing. Funny how something do far away still had an adverse effect here. Kind of like far away events that influence time and not distance. The passing of time diminishes the intensity just as the miles do. But there is a resultant effect. The smoke effects in degree in various ways. For someone with respiratory problems it can be severe, even deadly. To a healthy individual just an irritation. And in the passing off time counterpart many factors can influence the effects severity. Age, emotional health, life situation, trust, hope, etc. What may be a distraction to one may be a security or comfort to the other. When that trust and expectation is shattered by deceit and manipulation it could result in building a shell of armor to deflect the bullets. And while the shell can save it can also isolate. And without removing the shell it hinders the normal functions that are necessary to survive and rebound. But to remove the armor is to risk injury. Because letting one's guard down already cost dearly and to remove it completely jeopardizes everything. So the armor remains because there is no trust anymore and therefore not a chance in hell that one would believe they could trust again. So behind the smoke screen there is a safer haven where injury is lessened. And the damage done that will continue to effect everything from now on will ensure that the armor will be increased instead of removed. And likely will result in a changed person who likely will turn his efforts toward more extreme ideals in order to survive. Seeing how wrong was validated and innocence became guilt why would anyone want to support a twisted system. It's this what produced anarchy? Seems fitting to me...

It's Just A Shame...

To be this stuck in a depression is such a waste. It becomes a major task just to clean up for the day. And trying to sit in the shade somewhere is out of the question because, heaven forbid, your loitering. So what to do? Drive around aimlessly and run out my gas? It's a waste of life anymore. Try to stay positive but that lasts about 5 minutes. And then what returns to haunt me? The memory of why it's as bad as it gets at the time. But don't dwell on it! Right. That will happen. Try to get something accomplished that needs to be done and you get interrupted do many times you just give up. There's l little, if any, inspiration inside so motivation is an abstract concept. Just can't get motivated to get beat down more. So here it is now. Such a rewarding life I have now. Having my accomplishments torn from me for no reason and not being able to get the judge to see how wrong it all is makes for a real happy day. Being stuck with the worthless Public Offender really is a blessing now, isn't it? Can't even get a call back. That's what I call useless.

Reading About My House...

I reviewed one of the blogs I wrote over 2 years ago and it's a shame to see that everything I brought up and that should have been investigated went nowhere. The toxic concerns were never looked into proving there never was a need for a multi thousand dollar toxic clean up and it was all done to cash in at my expense. It is like too many things going on right now. The Real Criminals are the ones in authority. Fuck all of them. A lawyer should have taken this case and nailed them. It's as if I was distracted on purpose to prevent that. I will never believe a fucking word anyone says. A bunch of bull shit. Wouldn't doubt that that's the reason behind the DA and even PD giving me the rotten deal in court. I'm really never going to get out of this hole and the one's that claim they want to help you are doing just the opposite. All the suspicions I had were founded and....FUCK THE WHOLE BUNCH OF THEM. I want karma to be instant and devastating. Before I have to help it. To hell with all of them.

Thoughts Are Always There...

Something that is always there. They stay and pick away at you. I remember when. It was something then. Being bogged down with challenges of a tough task and sitting somewhere just testing and regrouping and out of the blue someone would pop up with that smile and change the dynamics of the moment. Words exchanged. A plan made. Their off and suddenly it was all okay. At least better for a day.

I remember the frustration of losing the house. An impossible situation that I needed to fight. Added to it the need to survive. But it would all seem possible when that smile looked my way. And it really wouldn't matter much anymore. Because something more was there to distract from it all. For some reason it made me feel that it would all work out right for me one day. And if it didn't, Oh well, it wasn't that important anymore. At least for that day.

I remember the wandering and just letting the wind be the guide. And the things that would happen were like they were planned in some way. Serendipity it's called and it's the best thing imagined. What makes our brings it is impossible to say. But it is missed when it's no longer a part of the day.

I guess it's all just regrets and laments. But when they're numerous they can really weigh you down. And even though it's better that something's are ended the things that were special leave a void tough to fill.

I remember a story about taking a walk on a lonely country road and getting a ride from a stranger and going along their way. A new destination even if it was only temporary. And when the ride ends it's a bittersweet moment but it is wonderful and warm. But another version of the ending is that the drive ends when the stranger jumps out and disappears somewhere. Only to re emerge with a shotgun and start blasting away! Maybe not killing but leaving enough lead in one's body to slowly poison them a little more each passing day.

I feel the wounds from the buckshot as they still heal but I also can taste the lead as it dissolves inside me. And such are the regrets of a life lived my way...

The Mood Still Sucks...

No matter what positive happened today it hasn't changed the depressing mood I'm stuck in. And I don't see it changing for a long time. I'm drained out and nothing I can think of will make it better. I see no end to it because I see no end to it. Getting back to the place I was not long ago isn't going to happen for a long time. It just isn't. I have no inspiration left inside me. I'm better just accepting it won't get better and getting used to it. I sure as hell don't like it. But I'll get more satisfaction turning this wrong around and putting it where it should be. Because as long as it hangs on me this cloud hangs there, too. It's just a fact. It's not a matter of forgetting the past and looking forward. The past has defined the present so much it won't let me forget it. I'm forced to remember because everything I do is stamped with it. And dealing with it forces me to relive it over and over again. It's like a burn victim trying to recover and rebuild a life. But the scars are not physical that can be seen. My scars are only obvious in my attitude and my record. And since my greatest obstacle is employment the scar is what limits my choices. It really eliminates my choices. I have a better chance of winning the lottery as I do finding a job. And I should think positive? Why? So I can experience failure after failure until I finally go off the deep end?

I was concentrating on my property not long ago and how to get it back in my control. I actually made some progress in doing just that until I was persuaded to just move on and forget about it. I should have stayed focused on the property but I didn't and now it's too late to ever win that battle. I had held my ground 2 years in that battle and, while I lost in the struggle to prevent the county from tearing it down I had shown how the county did some dirty shit and lied to get it torn down. By forgetting about it and just moving on I lost my chance to prove it all and recover from my loss. And if I just move on now I lose the chance of removing this crap from my life and reversing the stigma that has scarred me. I don't deserve to have this tied to my neck. And I'll fight till the end to keep it from chocking me.

At The Library...

Went to the library for a while to use the computer. Got up end left when I was done and at my van a lady started a conversation with me. Before long I knew she was 57, where she worked, times married, siblings, where she was from, etc. She was quite talkative and very open and pleasant. Reminded me of someone. And also reminded me of a past meeting at the same place. It was a d`eja' vu moment. I recall the same lady on the recent past. I remember the AA theme in part. I remember finding her attractive. And I remember parting ways much the same way. I just know there was more than coincidence involved. But I'm always suspicious. And more so today. Can you blame me? Anyways, that's all.

Another Day Of Useless Existence...

Used to be each day there was something to work toward. A goal, a purpose, a reason, a desire... Now, each day really had no point. Getting a job is a total waste of time even trying. I couldn't even get cleaned up and put on clean clothes. And then trying to explain to an employer the fucking mess your life is in and how they could never depend on me showing up because a lying slut at any time could change all that with her games and dramatic falsehoods. Never mind that she is the one with a violent record and should be euthanized like a rabid dog. Never mind that she is a poison that has twisted the law around and abused the system while still acting like there was something to fear when the danger is within her. But they say I dwell on this. I have little choice. It had effected my very existence. Everything I do today had to comply with a court decision that was biased and one sided. That was determined on one person's opinions, not facts or evidence, but one opinion. And my evidence was never even looked at. My legal representation was non existent. Ashley Burg wants to be a DA. Not someone protecting the rights of the people. She acted more like she was her lawyer. The DA as the one who saw through the lies and went out of her way to prevent her from pulling the same stunt again. The DA said it was wrong to have banned me from the area I've lived in all my life. So fuck this system they say is the best ever. Because it's not. It's flawed to the max. And I will not bow down to it or even give it respect because, like the ass holes that enforce it, it needs to be destroyed and replaced. Little adjustments wrong do. It's never going to be right anymore and therefore useless. And, no, I won't let go. I'm bitter and angry and it's not something you get rid of by thinking, "Oh well, it's done". Because it affects everything in my life forever. Something with that profound an impact either needs to be rectified or avenged. Those are the only choices that there are. The sad part of it all is non of it would have happened if everyone told the truth and took responsibility for their part and was honest about what really, no - REALLY! - was going on. And not blame it on alcohol made me do it or drugs made me do it or any other bull shit. No, blame it on the water out the drought or mind control via radio signals or alien abduction or the devil made you do it. The last may be close to the truth, at least, add in it was self choice!

More Cynical...

I get more and more cynical every time I see the obvious harassment and intimidation. I just don't seem to want to try anymore. I just don't have any desire to waste the last ounce of my energy trying to get somewhere just in time to die. I'm father ahead to just wait where I am.

But Of Course...

Of course it only seems right that as I was taking the windshield out of the van an edge bumped my tool box and, "Crack!!!," there went the perfect piece of glass. A crack from top to bottom with the only good thing, it was on the passenger side. So now I can mount it in any old way I can, just as long as it's secure enough to stay in place. It doesn't matter now cause it's a worthless windshield now. Not as bad as the one that came out but broken still.

I was being careful but apparently not careful enough. It barely hit the box but it was enough to break it all the way through. Oh well. Something had to spoil it. Something always does. Just how it is anymore. Probably how it will stay.

It's all been another session of banging my head in the wall and maybe my head is tougher than the wall, but the contents aren't. But the good thing there is the more the contents get scrambled the less the wall hurts. Besides, it all hurts less than heartache. And the only thing that rivals heartache is s toothache and I have none of those anymore so what does it matter?

What A Surprise...

Not that I should be surprised but now that I have the old windshield out and I'm ready to install the new one I find that the rubber gasket/seal is no good and can't be reused. The last windshield was glued in and it destroys the rubber when cutting the old glass out. So I'm stuck. I can't drive without a windshield, can't go to Pick-n-Pull to get another one and a new one would cost more than the windshield. So I'm stuck right here. Always something...

I thought about just glueing it in but that would waste a$16 tube of silicon. And it would likely end up with the windshield cracking. Maybe I could put a strip of door insulation on frame channel but that still wouldn't lock it in. And the locking in is what gives it strength and adds to the rigidity of the entire chassis. It sucks. Don't know what to do.

Finally, I want to shake this depression that has settled upon me for so long now. It's a constant anymore and I'm not sure if it's a result of or a contributor to the central theme of my life lately. Dealing with the way I was fucked over by someone with their lies and abuse of the system. I never had depression as acute as now. And it never lasted this long. But it hangs on me and gives me a lousy attitude. I guess it don't matter. There's nothing to feel positive about anyway...