One thing is certain...

April 24, 2014

Talk Ain't Cheap...

Have you ever really needed to talk to someone about something real important. Something that you need to discuss because without the talk the issues will hang there and smell the entire neighborhood to hell? But they refuse to or avoid at all costs. And use every excuse that is irrelevant in all ways and sounds stupid to even  use. And they know what it's about so therefore you have to know the outcome isn't going to be the happy ending you wanted but the sad one they do want. Yet they keep avoiding it causing more friction and destroying anything at all special they may have shared. That they would choose that things should end this way is a bit disturbing since the reason for the talk is they said something on the phone one night and even called back a second time  shortly after to confirm that I heard what they said. And followed that the next night with another call to confirm that I remembered the call the previous night and what they said. Kinda sounds like they hung a bit of value to it. But will they talk about it? No!

So I have to assume there really isn't anything between us anyway. Never was. Never will be or could be. Never even had a chance. Isn't it sad to think what could have been. Even sadder, what it never really was...for them. So I'll cry about tonight what I'll hide inside tomorrow...

good-bye

Something wasn't right...

April 23, 2014

And Nothing Was Left Anymore...

I want to vent right now but I won't. I can't. It wouldn't do any good. When someone is determined to destroy something so precious you have to let them. They'll kill it eventually. You'll get blamed. But its their doing. They don't care how they do it or who gets hurt. They'll kill it dead. And that's how she's left me.

When hope goes on a diet...

April 21, 2014

DESPAIR IS SURELY THERE...

This Easter weekend has been a big bummer and I was thinking positive that something soon would rise from the dead...

Found on Google Drive written 3 years ago:

[It is the end of July already and I have spent so much time end energy battling Code Enforcement that I haven’t gotten anything done about replacing my roof. I’m not sure what I can do now as I have no job and can’t seem to find one in this stinking economy. It has never been this tough to find work. The little jobs I get are barely enough to survive. I can’t even pay my phone bill which makes it tough for employers to get a hold of me!

This disaster happened too late in my life. It is as if everything imaginable has stacked up against me and it has become insurmountable. I've seen stories about people who have this incredible bad luck and people come out of the woodwork to help them. However, for me it is as though they come out to get me. I know. Sounds like paranoia. Yet what else am I to think? If I were from another country or a minority or something besides a white American male there would have been news articles and help like I've seen before. I just want a job and then the Code Nazis to back off. I’ll get it done. But not with assholes crawling up my ass for stupid bullshit.' ]   

A lot has happened since then...... but little has changed.                      

April 18, 2014

WHOOPEE! SEE YA @ 60...

Its been real wonderful this final of the fifties, number 59. Started perfect. Then stumbled out of the blocks and shit road apples all over itself... Why do they say kick up your heels? I wonder...

Well, its getting close to ending now. And my nods and lapses look like a spring-necked bobble-head on a bumpy dirt road. Don't piss out the rumble seat without eyes and mouth closed...

One away from the last of the fifties...

April 17, 2014

Last Of 58...

 

Just a day away from the last birthday of my fifties...59 and counting. Trying to be positive but it's not working. I feel so negative because the thing I want most in life has left the building. AWOL. Not there. Checked out. Won't talk. Doesn't care. She's not there.

 

Enough of that. I just don't know how to turn and walk away. I know I have to. I knew I'd have to from the start. Just didn't think the time was already here. Thought there was more to the story. Something beautiful to take in my heart and hold tight to when life got rough. But I can't even get answers. Hell, I can't even ask questions. I guess I heard too much in the words that were said and missed the fact that the words weren't backed by emotions. I guess that's life. And I'm sure the magic lost it's power or Merlin got hold of some bad dust...

 

When the magic began it swept mw away and I could see only the beauty that was laid at my feet. I saw none of the challenges that lay ahead. I was blessed to have found something again in my life that I was sure would never come my way again. But now I'm full circle and this time I know it will not come again. As positive as I would want it I know if it did I'd only think it was the same as the last time. A temporary break from reality. I hope it's what she needed and it will be special to her somehow. Maybe the day will come when I'll see it special to me again. But right now I just feel like the fool.

 

So now I'm going to take XZ and go away for a while. Maybe a day maybe two maybe more maybe maybe maybe. Time to drift a while cause my arms are sore from paddling to avoid the eddy. I've traveled on this lonely course so many times before...

 

Now I've given it to Him to send me to the shore if that's where He wants me... Or just drift away in a sea made deep by the tears that pour from my eyes... See you on shore...

 

Been A While Off Dial...

April 14, 2014

A Long While

I havent been able to post and I wasbin a rut. Positive thoughts have to dominate now because the negative is just a drain of energy. At less than a week from the final fifty, old 59 and that's positively negative b enough for me. So make it positive or ground out. Only positive need ap9ly. We reserve the right to refuse service to those thatdont have no shirt on, no shoes upon their frigging feet. Ahd hey, leave the skateboard outside...