What a royal BITCH!

I am amazed. She has topped herself and surpassed anyone I have ever known as the most vile, evil, twisted, pile of trash I have ever known, seen, heard of or imagined. I was sitting in the parking lot of Dollar Tree on the side out of the way and she apparently drove in and parked behind me. Then she called the sheriff and had me arrested. I didn't the day on jail and then got bailed out and it will now cost me over a thousand dollars. She is evil like no other. I want bothering her and she knows it. This is going to change. Next week there will be things done to end this nightmare. She is going to be busy with new problems of her own as she gets building code investigating her along with Adult Protective Services and CPS. She has done some down right nasty things that those agencies have been alerted to and its time she faces the music. I am so fed up with her 2-faced attitude and since I haven't noticed the lady I knew for a year in the past 6 months I really don't see me liking her anymore. It's impossible to see what attracted me to her because the warm, caring person I once knew is history. What is in her place is a lying, cheating farce that doesn't deserve anything. I have told God I forgave her and asked Him to remove the anger from me that keeps eating away at me. And as soon as it's gone she pulls another one of her games and not only makes me hate her it makes me despise her and want to destroy her. All this does is eat me up and push me deeper into depression. It distracts my focus and holds me back from being another job. Something I wouldn't be doing of it wasn't for the 2 months I've spent in jail so far this year because of her. I said I had hoped to get closure for the time we were together. I was sure that she still held on to the same feelings inside that Dee us together and even though I knew they would stay deep inside and she would never act on them again I had hoped she would want to end things where we were at least friendly. How could this be the same person who treated me so great. Cared about my life and tried to help me to recover my career so I could live comfortably again. I thought she wanted to have that same memory as me to put a smile on her face and warn her heart someday. I see now she is not the same person. She is a cold hearted bitch who had no feeling at all for anyone or anything. She is definitely a multi personality and none of them are genuine. They all are just facades that she puts on to get whatever she wants at the time. An act she plays for every role everyday. Not a single one of honest and true nor is anything about her real. I've wasted my time and my energy on a total loss cause that will never be real. Never to be happy whether she says she is our not. An empty shell that just roams the earth spreading pain and creating problems. Selfish and vain. Selfish and vain. Never admitting the truth and never there for anyone but her. Putting on a front that is fake in every way. Lies that she hides behind. Being useless in all ways. I only wish she were that person I knew. If only that lady were her and that lady stayed...

It's lonely all alone...

I've spent do much of my life alone that it's very lonely all alone. I've had friends all along do I have human contact. But it's not the same as when you connect with a member of the opposite sex on a level that good being the physical. When you bond and can almost sense everything about them even when you're apart. I thought that's what I had with her. We had even said it was so, the both of us, many times. She would even say she could feel my presence when I was near and I was sure I felt her's. It was that magic that out created. A sense of being as one. It was a comfort. A satisfaction. A contentment. It was something special. Something rare. A desire fulfilled. It was not alone.

Then she snapped out off all day once. Your out from between us. Yanked it out by the roots. And killed it to beb sure. And watched it lay dyeing as out struggled to survive. To live. It held on as best out could. But inside it knew it was over, finished, done and through. But the instinct to survive kept it reaching out and trying to reattach. Trying to mend it and start to grow as one again. But it was a one sided effort and it just made it impossible for success. And now it has rotted and lay dead in the street. No more trying it just wastes what little energy it had left. It's not going to happen so it'd best just to lie there and let the cycle continue. Maybe from these ashes something will grow once again. Our maybe it's just time to let the dust catch a wind...

Why can't I let completely go...

I can't understand why I can't completely let go of her. I seem to still hold on to a glimmer of hope. Some little part of me that keeps hoping she'll come find me and tell me she misses me and she wants me in her life again. Even though I know it will never happen and I know that for sure and I know I don't really want it to happen. Still, that tiny possibly clings to don't bit of hope. Realistica/lly I would hope that she would have enough heart to want to come talk you me and set things right so err could close the book on this and I could move on. I would hope that she would want things to be amicable between us so we could still communicate occasionally even if only by mail and there wouldn't be this battle line drawn between us. That she would just care enough to be honest with me and don't let me think the worst of her. We went through a lot in that year and it seems stupid to just toss it out with the garbage. We shared a time together that may have been questionable by any standard but it was special and I thought it would be a memory that s would bring a smile to my face and a warmth to my heart. I felt out would be much more tender than it ended and she would be much more caring. Instead it ended in disaster and it will never get closed properly. It will stay an open wound that will fester and become infected and possibly cause more damage than it should. I don't want that. I want the smile and warmth. Not the bitter resentment that keeps bubbling forth. The foul taste that lingers for ever and makes it dangerous to mention her name. But I still don't see her being honest and open since she's hiding behind the facade of fear that she knows had no basis. She convinced the DA and the judge but we all know it's not true. And I will try hard to tear her grip on my heart away and push her far, far away. But it would make life a much more rewarding experience if there were better endings than this one...

She definitely didn't...

She definitely didn't feel as strongly add I did towards her. I know that. There wasn't any doubt say any time. It's just that towards the end she started acting like it. She started saying she was. She just increased the degree of her lies. It was all a lie for her. It always had been. She had a long history of it. I just didn't want to believe it. She is a lot sleazyer than I realized. I remembered the time I fixed her daughter's bike in the apartments. When Nick kept telling me she'd fix me dinner and give me a blow job. And this I'd right after hearing it said that her and John L. were getting married. Send like she was just a ho back then and nothing changed. I was just the fool that would go down on her. And what a fool I was. If only she had been honest with me and I was aware of what she really was... Would it have made a difference? I think it would have. But maybe it would have been worse. You never know. Or maybe I would have avoided her like I did in the apartments. I don't know. I do know she had things planned real well. From the start the things she said and did were all to make me think she was interested in me. To lure me in. She did it quite skillfully. Well practiced I would guess. Down to a science. And she has it all her way. No matter what she does to others. She gets it all her way. I'd say she's a con through and through. A hustler from way back....

Sad way to be....

I know it wasn't much but when I remember how much better I felt back then I can't help but feel sad. I miss the good feeling I got when we got together. How she would want me to come over just to smoke a cig. How she would text me all the time. Send me sweet messages and brighten up my day or night. I guess it was all just an act on her part. But it was true for me. And how could I not see she was just faking everything? And why did she? What a stupid easy to be. She needs more help than I ever thought. What possesses a person to be so cold I'll never understand. But that's what it gets down to. That's all she wrote...

And in a weak moment...

I was weak and after reading those old IM's I found myself really missing her. And I made an attempt at contacting her. Ik know. Stupid. But I remembered the good times. The upside. Happy moments. And I missed her. And still do. But I know she shares no feelings like that. She isn't a warm hearted soul. She's cold and selfish and only does what makes her happy. She cares about nobody but herself. Nobody. She'll throw anyone under the bus to save her own ass. Doesn't care. So I need to harden my heart again and remember what she's done to me. She doesn't give a shit about me. Never did. I'm just sorry I couldn't feel the same. I did care and part of me still does. The sad part is I care about someone that never existed. Only in my mind. And the real Liz is nothing like the one I knew. Only I knew her though. She didn't exist outside of our times together. Too bad...everyone would have been happy to know her. If they only knew...

Just coincidental, I'm sure...

And of course I know that it's just a coincidence that on a Friday both of them and their cars disappear at the same time. They must think nobody notices. And their mates prove how stupid they are. I can't see what it was that I was drawn in by. That kind of moral attitude is so reprehensible. But I didn't see that it was the same when she was with me. I guess because I want cheating on anyone. But she was. Is. Always will. I guess it will be funny when the time comes when he starts beating her face in. You know it's inevitable. If it hasn't happened already. I can honestly say I'll just laugh and say it's what she deserves. Some people should be beaten. I think she's one. I just had trouble setting the ugly inside her. But it's there. I know it is. I've seen it up close. I look forward to the rest of the world setting it for real. And they will. For sure they will. No happy ending here. Never could be. Too much ugly for happy top exist. Let the chips fall where they may. But I think with the cat out of the bag things are going to come crashing down on her world of lies and deceit. She's too vain to see it coming. Too smug to care. That's why she went to prison before. And what will send her again. She thinks she works the system to her advantage. But I think the system is just hovering above her and choosing the best time to dive in. Sounds like a bomb dropping now...

Oh the memories...

I just read some of our early IM's Yahoo Messenger. Oh my God. They were so cool. We got along do well. I did notice a lot of Raquel references and some jealous remarks. If you only knew how I didn't like her that much then. And how I tried to get rid of her whenever she came by. You always thought the worst. But you didn't let out get out of control in the beginning. I could see it bothered you. But you handled it well. It's just that you kept going back to it so often. It finally got out of hand. Even though she was never anything for you to think about. You just didn't know how much I was falling for you. I couldn't help it. I just wish you would have felt it too. I think you did a little bit. But a lot of that was the alcohol and drugs I can see. I'd too bad. It really is. If you just could have gotten of the sauce. If course you'll say if you weren't drunk you never would have got involved with me. Maybe so. But you must still be drinking. You have to be drunk to want anything to do with that freak. Really. Step back and take a look at him. If you don't see what the rest of us do you need glasses. Thick ones.

It brings out the worst in me...

Just seeing that freak drunk molester brings out the worst in me. I wish it didn't. That her didn't have that adverse affect on me. But he does and I'll try to understand why. Maybe because I, and others, see what he is right away. But she doesn't. It won't. Our doesn't care. That makes me think I don't see her for what she really is. Our I've ignored it for so long I look through it. I don't know. When I first started working at her house a couple of years ago all I could see was a really cool woman who seemed genuinely concerned about me.  Who showed interest in me. Who was warm and caring and adored her grandson and only wanted the best for him. I felt her ass she got closer and closer to me and reeled me in until I finally made a move and kissed her in the garage one night as we were talking after I did some work go her. Next thing I knew we were in her bed together and that first night we only kissed and touched. She got scared and I got up and left. It was difficult to do since we were both pretty hot and bothered,  as they say. But I didn't want this to be just a one time event. I wanted it to last. Even though I had little hope I that it would because by then I knew she was married. Paper only, as she describes it. But married still. But within a couple of days we were in that bed again and went all the way. This went on for about a week each night. And in that time we both had done excellent sex. She even claimed she had her first multiple orgasm and the first one orally. She lives it. She wanted more and more. And so did I. There were a couple of scary moments but they past and we got comfortable. And then we started going to motels on occasion just to be safe. Motel 6's mostly. The Sacramento Inn after that. Actually the Red Lion, which it was renamed. And the whole time I suspected.That she was drinking a bit too much. But I didn't realize what a problem that was until a couple of times when she went psycho all of a sudden. But she c would get a grip on things quickly and I'd put it out of my thoughts. I was in love by then and let her know it. She told me not to be but I said it wasn't something I could just turn off. This was something I knew she wasn't feeling but as.time went by and we made that trip to Seattle to visit her son things started to change for her. She played that George Strait sing Cross My Heart and I felt she really meant the words for me. She sent me that song the lady week before the end right after the trip to Oregon. I can't listen to it any more. Just like I can't listen to Cold Play's Magic, which I told her was surely written for us for that first kiss in her garage. There has always been a song that fit whatever relationship I was in at the different.times in my life. Those two were just so perfect it was scary. So now with her
turning about face on me and my feelings still clinging to her it had mgs do mixed up I just want to die. I'm having a hard time accepting it is done and will never return. More trouble just accepting she never wants to a see me or communicate with me ever again. That she calls the sheriff whenever she sees m me. That she had no problem with what that does to me. That out cost me a job that I needed do bad. That she has cut me off from life long friend and people I did work for. It cost mgr a place to live out at least keep my things at and take a shower. And park my van and leave my dog, Xz, at. She doesn't see how her bull shit adversely affects my life. No she isn't responsible for my life being in such a dismal state. But she is responsible for holding me back when I should be staying to live again. She k lied and exaggerated to get that restraining order. And made it worse sing the court order to it. Tried to make me out to be some threat when she is the violent one. She is the one that physically attacked me in Oregon. Stabbed me in her garage. Threatened to have her gangster cousin come kill me. To have her nephew best me senseless. And tracked up with a degenerate drunk to keep getting me in trouble for nothing. That drunk broke my windshield in my van. Follows me around. Thinks he had some affect on me when he's lucky I don't hurt him bad for stupid stuff like the windshield or pulling a knife on me. He should be living in a bit of fear because one of these times when he's driving drunk, which he does often, he might have an accident and that would be felony DUI. His own wife claims he beats her and abused the children. Wow! I'd say he's a stupid mother fucker because does he know how easy it was to call CPS and tell them what his wife said? And they have contacted me for more info. And they seem to think it needs attention. I'm sure it will happen. So act real smug and don't forget her husband may have an investigator following him and her both and the motel registrations are easy to obtain. I'd be concerned. When your doing the wrong thing and acting like your some hero saviour Jesus just might step in to seek his vengeance. Wouldn't that be perfect? Amen...

The Pud...

I see the pud molester come out and get in his car and I can't believe she would have anything to do with such a loser. His hair looks like he's stuck in the 70's. He's fat and out of shape. He's looks like a Megan's Law poster boy. What a freak. No wonder he's got such deformed looking k kids who are sickly. Weak gene pool material. But what would you expect? She had some I'll qualities as well. Look at her choice for a husband.Mr. Personality. And I remember before her meth days how fat she was. I guess she wasn't the princess I once saw her as. But I looked past those things and thought I saw a real genuine caring soul. But I guess my vision is failing me now. I was not focused. Makes my heart sad.

You can't be that cold...

How can you be that cold hearted? It was you who seduced me. It was you who kept telling me that I made you happy. I was the only thing that made you happy in your life. It was you who texted me constantly, called, IM'd, asked me to go to Seattle, Oregon, drive you to the air port, pick you up from the air port,  drive your husband to his s appointments, take your grandson to school and pick him up, to and from football practice, play ball with, build a fort with him, watch movies with him, do whatever. You drew me near. Closer and closer. So close it was like we were one. Then suddenly you went off the deep end and hatred me. Hatred me so much that you destroyed what little I had rebuilt of my life. Caused me to loose my new job. Loose the place I lived. Go to jail twice for 30 days each time. Conspired with a freak molester and even started fucking him just to turn me against you. What kind of nut are you? That's sick. It's demented. It's so gross as to be unbelievable. But it's true. And you know it's do bad you could never admit it to anyone. If your father were still alive could you tell him the whole truth about what you've done? I know it's do bad I have a hard time telling anyone the whole truth about it. I'm embarrassed for you. I don't want anyone to think I was with someone capable of doing those things. It makes you look like a worthless slut. A sleazy low life. Scum. And my heart is still holding on. For what reason I don't know. A sane person would turn and run. It would see how hopeless it all is. But my emotions tell ne otherwise. My Heart still holds onto a glimmer of hope. And my head just wants closure. It wants the chance to talk to you about it. To hear you tell me otherwise on the worst parts of it all. To hear you tell me it was real for you at times. That you did feel the way you said u you did. That it all wasn't a lie. That you were sorry and things will get better someday. That you were working a program to stop your drinking and drug abuse. That you realize what a degenerate piece of shit Kevin is and you have blocked him for good. That your were really listening to God and getting closer to Him. That you know you did wrong and you would made it right. But as I remember how you handled many things I doubt you'll make the effort to do what is right now. You'll just turn your back on the wreckage and run from the scene. It's your MO and likely to be how it ends. You just don't care what damage you've done to those who truly cared about you.

Remembering...

I remember the mornings when she'd have a cup of coffee got me and I'd take her grandson to school. She'd usually text me as I was driving down Morse with an IMU or IW2FU. Or just a hurry back....I want you! Now!!! Those were wonderful mornings. The times we would meet on her patio to have a cig. Or on the front porch. The morning was great. She was in a good mood even even she was tired from being up late. Or hung over... She would fall back asleep for an hour out two and then get up to start the day. Most times she would fix breakfast before we left for school. I miss those mornings. I miss her. At least the her she was then. Not the lying bitch that she is today. It's strange. When someone gets clean and sober they usually a better person, more enjoyable to be around. But in her case it seems she had become the worst example of a human being imaginable. Go figure. Go figure...

So angry and so sad...

I'm full of anger and full of sadness. That's all. Too much of both to want to write. I'll just let it die. I wish I could find a way to kill it though. But it won't die. One fucked up human being. One total waste of space.