That was my head trying to figure out...

What's Breaking My Heart...

September 20, 2014

My brain sees all the facts and knows some things don't add up and other things added up all too good. But my heart just knows how badly it hurts and how much it misses you. My heart keeps hurting because for the last year it was beating a real positive beat and it was beating for you. You gave me reason to try harder, to do better, to reach out and beyond. You made the cold bearable, the heat tolerable, the bright less blinding and the dark more enlightening. You gave me hope for a better tomorrow, made the past seem less horrible, today more pleasurable. Just being around you was enough. Then you changed. You became angry and hateful, vindictive and delusional. You would go off like a flash bulb and change so fast it was blinding. Nothing was right. Yet there was nothing wrong. The mood swings were scary to say the least and no matter what I did it always ended bad.

But my heart still remembered the magic that started it all. That kiss one night in the garage. The way I felt. The way you said you felt. Not even your prior 2 husbands could make you feel that way. Nobody could make you feel that way. And now we'll never feel that way, either one of us, again. Ever. And your fine with that.

How you go from one extreme to the other in such a short time is crazy. Real time crazy.

My heart still misses you horribly. And you just show me contempt and vengeance. For what I'm not sure. But I know you've become someone I would never be friends with and surely never fall in  love with. It's like a death with no funeral to say our good-byes. I just wish it would quit hurting but I see you in your lie and it makes me hate you because your not who I knew. You've become phony and slutty and disgusting. Vulgar and repulsive. A liar. A cheater. Not the awesome person I knew. And my heart beats without you. The days go on. It's just not worth caring now. If my life ended now it wouldn't be a bad thing because life isn't worth much now just a battle to survive. And for what?  To see you and hate you? Cause that's what it's become. That and a worthless battle proving all your lies are not true. What a waste you've made me deal with. Now it seems stupid to have ever loved you. My head knows it so well. But my heart still holds true and won't let go of you. That's probably why I'd rather it not beat at all than to beat only for you...