A new what???

January 1, 2014

It's Still Nuklear, Right?

I was sure I'd wake up this morning and it would be as if I had spent the last 10 years asleep and all of my reality was a bad dream... But not a chance. It's all the same fucking stupidity and insanity. And I'm stuck in the middle of the most insane of insane's. A woman who thinks she has made some miraculous discovery and blown the cover off of the great conspiricy of the century. But it's not what she thinks. It's not what she doesn't think. The point is, it's not anything! And why do I care? Why do I try? What difference is it anyway? Love... The most insane emotion ever forced upon humanity. The excuse used too often and the lie told over and over again. It's the only way I can explain any of it. But it's all I can see. The reason I still try and stay is I must be in love. Not just saying the words but feeling the same. Well I don't fucking like it. I am not willing to participate in a dead end game where I never even survive, let alone win. I don't want anything more than to walk away with my heart still beating and not shattered to pieces and bruised and hardened and unable to open up when it needs to and guard itself when that need is there. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve. Didn't understand that it made me vulnerable and at risk. I'm learning now that you must keep your emotions in check and guarded from view. Open and honest gets you nothing but problems, heartache, despair and anger. So this new year I'll try something new. I don't give a fuck about any one or any thing other than me. Wish it were different. Believe me I do. But love is just a poison that kills over time and I'm not willing to die for it. I'd rather die from a drunk driver or from my own careless behavior than to be tortured by love and twisted into knots because it just ain't me. So there you have it - YOU know who I mean! - Keep dreaming up shit where there is none. Causing problems that aren't there. I'm done trying, done caring, done with it all. I'm taking care of me. If it has no benefit to me don't expect me to give a fuck. Because I don't, I won't and never will. You had my heart which I willingly gave you. You had it all. But you wanted to rip it out of my chest and bounce it on rocks and shit. I won't ever let that happen again. Not a chance in hell. So Happy Fucking New Year! Just don't look for love, there ain't any here. Never could be, never was, never will be. Year after year...