Another Waste...

Now I have to go all the way out to Florin/Perkins to the Probation Dept. I don't have the gas, I can't ride my bike because I have XZ and there is no way I would have him run that far in this heat, even if it is cooler today. And what a waste of time and money. All thanks to a liar and her games. I hate this system more and more each day. What a bunch of stupidity. No wonder the jails are overcrowded. They should let everyone out and throw all of the cops, lawyers and judges in them. At least they'd all be guilty of crimes...

Begin Another Week...

Monday morning is here and another week begins. I've never been a fan of Monday and nothing has changed to made me feel any different. What had changed, I noticed, is that while writing used to be such a great therapy to me it's not that way anymore. It still is a way for me to release anger that builds up but it doesn't open up my imagination and spark the creative forces in me. Where I used to feel there was so much I wanted to write that I couldn't keep up with the flow now I'm stuck with nothing I want to put into a sentence and paragraphs are too much to consider. What I feel more is that I can't put into words how angry and frustrated I feel. That the anger is so pervasive that it becomes consuming and instead of thoughts flowing freely they get twisted up and crushed by the anger. And there is no answer to how I can overcome the anger and put it out of my thoughts. It dominates my entire thought process and taints everything I am. My attitude is negative and I am nasty as a result. I try to think positively and set my mind to something but almost immediately the anger overtakes me. When someone has been so evil and caused so many problems that won't go away there is no way to just forget it and go forward. The problems it created stay there and cause more problems every minute of everyday. And all I can envision is her smirky attitude and thinking what a great accomplishment it is for her. Like get boasting of the damage she had done to others on the past. It doesn't matter that she hurt people who she shouldn't have only that she caused them great problems so therefore she "won". Like marrying someone so her daughter wouldn't "win". A sick evil mind that claims to have found God. I hope God finds her and shows her what He thinks of her wins...

One Whole Year...

A year ago this weekend I was in  Medford, Oregon jail as the nightmare began. An entire year that has been a total waste. How someone could be so evil and cause so much destruction in another person's life while claiming to have "found God" and stopped drinking is so contradictory I am just blown away. How her conscience doesn't haunt her constantly amazes me. But knowing now what she has done in her past it is no surprise. I only know that if there is a God He needs to avenge this crap and put a stop to the destruction she spreads upon the world. It's time she it's stopped and paid the price for what she does. It's time for Your judgement to make things right. Make it happen, Capitan...

Some Days End Better Than Others...

After all the crappy days I've had lately this one went a little smoother and ended on a better note than has been the norm lately. It wasn't a terribly productive day but I didn't sink further into the big deep one. No, throughout the day I was blessed with a few people showing they cared. It helped to stay the nighttime on a positive note. Knowing there are people who really care what happens to you helps a lot. Enough to soften the pain inflicted by the person who tried to convince you they cared and yet caused the greatest pain by actions that definitely proved otherwise. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day still to end the week and ease into the weekend. I just want an end to this nightmare and a chance to reach a point where I can just relax and not have to worry about sinking in deep. A chance to enjoy something in life and not find it all insurmountable obstacles. I guess if it happens it happens. Something happens all the time...

The Boredom Of Life...

And today it became so noticeable. The boredom of life just existing. No point to anything. No meaning. No dreams. No goals. Just nothing. All of those things which have sustained me throughout my entire life through thick and thin, good and bad, destitution and prosperity, everything that life had been to me for 60 years on this planet. Always there were my dreams and hopes and goals in life. And out of them I always found a path. A way to climb back up and out of the hole, the trap, the quagmire. But as it is now the overwhelming burden I'm weighed down with had destroyed those dreams. The realization that time is not on my side anymore. No, time had become an enemy of sorts. It's working against me. It means patience is a negative force in my life now. I can't afford to be patient. It just eats up time. Before, I always knew that something would come my way. A break was always in my tomorrows. Just hang on and the opportunity will always show up. Usually a couple of them do that I could pick and choose which one suited me and follow that path. But as those great opportunities got fewer and fewer and the last one was getting the job last December with it getting quashed by an evil bitch who was trying to hide her immoral deeds I find that the toll was taken on my psyche and it has left me buried in boredom. I'm now trying to stay alive scraping for pennies to get food, gas, a cold drink, a can of dog food, a tube of denture adhesive. The bare essentials that I need and I'm coming up short everyday. Starting each morning deeper in the hole while facing the world with anger and disdain.

Now everyday is just a day I have to get through to the night and the night is just find somewhere I can hang until I sleep. Then wake up in the morning and do it all again. So isn't it wonderful that I was able to pull myself out of the big abyss and was set to start the year with dreams and goals and hope and expectations beginning to bear fruit only to have a sleazy, low life, slut destroy it all when she is the one who broke laws, commandments, vows, promises, intentions, etc. And she's the one responsible for teaching, guiding and protecting a young life and instilling morals and integrity in that life and shaping him for the future to influence the world her lives in while, hopefully, making it better. And if he grows up to be another one of her won't that be special? All of this accomplished with the help of a legal system that should be locked up as well. I don't think it can get better because it had been getting worse all along and shows no sign of correcting itself. So on and on we go with boredom leading the way. One day it will get to the point where anarchy will rule and then maybe there will be some excitement to bring back hope. One can only dream...

Called An Attorney Today...

I called an attorney today and low and behold there is an answer to this. Kinda like the OJ Simpson thing: Civil Court! There is a different set of laws governing civil suits in that it doesn't matter whether one is innocent or guilty. You just have to prove what is being done is vindictive and you only have to prove it with a preponderance of evidence, not beyond a shadow of doubt. And, apparently just my emails, IM'S, texts, etc. do just that. Not to mention the time she hacked my account and changed my screen name, which is a federal offense, and I even have an admission of her doing it in my IM's along with her apology. Oh boy! A civil suit would be ideal. And with homeowners insurance the pockets are deep enough to make it worthwhile for the attorney to handle it on contingency. Maybe there is a God and not the hypocrite someone seems to have found. Of course then it gets down to being all about money. But isn't that all everything gets down to anymore? Sad but true...

Fucking Cunt...

Just coming out an application online and having to go through all the bullshit for explaining my felony conviction just burns my ass. It's fucking ridiculous and I want her head on a platter. That's a fitting biblical reenactment worthy of this situation. It's going to get to the point where my anger will make this right once and for all. That's not a healthy situation. The lying fucking bitch was cheating on her husband not only with me but with the lop child molester who also needs an adjustment or two. Her problem is that she is an immoral slut who just happens to be an alcoholic dope fiend bag whore as well. And this fucked up legal system that enabled her to dodge the real bullets of her adulterous actions is another fucked up institution right along with the dick breath sheriff who facilitated the whole mess. I wish them all the worst of luck and most horrendous fate possible. FUCK YOU ALL AND MAY YOUR DEMISE BE LONG AND PAINFUL.