......I keep asking myself-

How Did I Fall So Far?

November 8, 2014

I still can't understand how I fell so deep in love with her. What was it that let me override my brain and let myself get so hung up on her. She's attractive but that ever present scowl that she had on her face sometimes made her look scary! She would treat me like dirt at times and talk down to me. And go off on me without any reason and take it too far. She never did anything special for me. In fact she played me off on my birthday when we had planned something special. I think that was the first time she used the excuse about the anniversary of you know who. And there were so many lies and half truths. As well as false accusations. "Your seeing someone!" "You stole my drill!" "You stole my tools!" "You broke my window!" "You were in my backyard!" "You got high!" "I was testing you!"

But there were the times she'd be so great to be with. When she would be so happy to see me. Want me to go with her somewhere. When she would want my opinion on something. Tell me we would go somewhere special.

But now she just treats me with contempt. Puts me down. Acts like it was just her addictions that made her want anything to do with me. Caused her to sleep with me.

And yes I could see she was drinking too much, using too much, taking way too many pills and denying she took any. Or only took half of one. But I could tell. I knew she was lying.

But I never realized how much they affected her thinking. It doesn't do that to me and didn't in the past when I drank. But it did her. So now I only question a whole year when she made me feel so good. Made me want to try harder. Do better. The special I felt was just a joke to her. Her little game. A way to kill boredom. Fill the void in her life.

But it turns out she has found God and she's now an authority on the subject. But I bet she still has her icons. Her Evil Eye and all the trinkets above her windows and doors. Don't tell her that its idol worship and there is even a commandment forbidding it. Its not as high on the list as the one she broke with me. But its there. 

So I fell in love and got tossed to the wolves as she lied to get her restraining order and doesn't care how much damage it causes me. And why should she care. She got rid of me and made the perfect cover for her current commandment breaker. Isn't that how she always comes through. Tossing it all under the bus as she turns her back and claims she's innocent of all wrong. That she's a victim and not the assailant.

I just wonder what will happen when she finds out she chose a chester to save her. Because the night his wife came looking for me when she wanted me to burn her house down because she hated her so much his wife let it slip that not only was he cheating on her with her but that it happened before . . . maybe last year . . . but that he was doing things to his kids when he got drunk. And I pray he doesn't get the chance to do things to her grandson. But you've got God now and He will protect you and guide you. Just like He did for you all those years ago...