The Mood Still Sucks...

No matter what positive happened today it hasn't changed the depressing mood I'm stuck in. And I don't see it changing for a long time. I'm drained out and nothing I can think of will make it better. I see no end to it because I see no end to it. Getting back to the place I was not long ago isn't going to happen for a long time. It just isn't. I have no inspiration left inside me. I'm better just accepting it won't get better and getting used to it. I sure as hell don't like it. But I'll get more satisfaction turning this wrong around and putting it where it should be. Because as long as it hangs on me this cloud hangs there, too. It's just a fact. It's not a matter of forgetting the past and looking forward. The past has defined the present so much it won't let me forget it. I'm forced to remember because everything I do is stamped with it. And dealing with it forces me to relive it over and over again. It's like a burn victim trying to recover and rebuild a life. But the scars are not physical that can be seen. My scars are only obvious in my attitude and my record. And since my greatest obstacle is employment the scar is what limits my choices. It really eliminates my choices. I have a better chance of winning the lottery as I do finding a job. And I should think positive? Why? So I can experience failure after failure until I finally go off the deep end?

I was concentrating on my property not long ago and how to get it back in my control. I actually made some progress in doing just that until I was persuaded to just move on and forget about it. I should have stayed focused on the property but I didn't and now it's too late to ever win that battle. I had held my ground 2 years in that battle and, while I lost in the struggle to prevent the county from tearing it down I had shown how the county did some dirty shit and lied to get it torn down. By forgetting about it and just moving on I lost my chance to prove it all and recover from my loss. And if I just move on now I lose the chance of removing this crap from my life and reversing the stigma that has scarred me. I don't deserve to have this tied to my neck. And I'll fight till the end to keep it from chocking me.