Don't have to wonder what a piece of shit `looks like...

February 28, 2014

Time runs out...

February 18, 2014

But You Never Run Out Of Time...

Is it ever really too late? Is it even possible to run out of time Down to the last minute, but there's still one more minute. And in a minute there will be one more last minute. The last minute ago there was another minute to go l know because I saw another minute go by and then I took a minute to go past that minute only to find that minute had already passed a minute ago. But no sooner than a minute or two past 3:00 I found the time right to take a minute to pray for just what I needed, which would be another minute to get ready for one last minute to slip away...

Time apart...

February 16, 2014

A Part In Time...

Oh how the time apart can mix you up so much. You miss them so much you can cry. But it's true time away makes the heart grow fonder...

Another day closer to the end...

February 13, 2014

Another Day Away From The Beginning...

Each passing day moves me closer to where i'll be and farther from where it all started. But the grand way it felt can never be equaled and the memory of it will be forever cherished. I was lucky to have experienced a second time what mostly is a once-in-a-lifetime event. It made me feel young again, alive and omnipotent. My worries were no more. I was invincible. Nothing could stop me - nothing! And it would last a lifetime...

Everybody knows it doesn't. Everybody knows. And it didn't. It couldn't. It shouldn't. We wouldn't. But the cloud that surrounds you and fills everything in passion soon lifts gently up, up and away. All of the world looks different and vaguely familiar some how. Yet you now seem like a stranger coming in from the cold, in from "outside", into the place that is real or at least real in a dream.

As the cloud dissipates and the view becomes clear you see the people seem different. And the one you had fallen for acts like your flawed and broken and could never bring her happiness or fulfill all of her worldly needs. And you feel inferior and rejected, not worthy to approach her and never could you ever be the man of her dreams. So now you take with you the memory of the dream that came true. At least as true as the dream that you dream...

And meanwhile back in reality...

February 11, 2014

A Dead Dream Drips Dung...

When the dream was in it's sweet spot nothing else mattered and nothing could be wrong, go wrong or alter wrong. But as the dream rots away and the decay begins to smell the surreal view becomes clouded and milky. It never was all that rosy but it was much better than the view through gaseous toxins and organic decay. To look at it now, the dream is ugly, macabre.  The beauty wasn't anything seen but something felt like the rays of sunshine on a cold winter morning.

But dead it is and not a chance for life again. No miracle could begin here or end either. So as it rots I think I'll turn and walk away. Don't want to see it, hear it, touch it, smell it or be with it. Because that dream is a nightmare and I've lived enough of those to know they end tragically. So I'll stay away...

The dream wasn't a nightmare.../

February 10, 2014 

But That's What It Became...

In the beginning it was such a dream come true. So perfect in so many ways. But in the middle it had a few horror episodes that jaded the dream and that soon led to the nightmare.

I still want the dream to be real and the dream to still be there. But each passing day shows how unlikely that will ever be. The dreamer didn't dream of this ever being possible. It was the object of dream that refused to allow a truly happy ending. That object was sure to derail all efforts to make this ending truly epic. Sometimes it just won't happen when there is no effort to succeed.

I wish it wasn't so but in fact it really is. An alcohol fired engine that is bent on destruction. The new little engine was bright and so shiny and as powerful as it gets.

Breath deep for the last breathe...

February 4, 2014

And Let The Dream Die...

Only in that dream does the reality exist and all the words spoken were just to fill a void. Nothing that was said was said from any truth. They were all just part of the fantasy come to life. But tonight I know now that it will never be a reality. It was never what anyone wanted. It was all about the dream that kept a love inside. Kept it from the light and hid it in the dark. A dream shared in a moment and spread out for a time. That time has passed and the light only finds the rotting carcass of a dream that now has died...the end. 

Some times you love, some times your loved...

February 3, 2014

And Some Times It's All Love...

It's probably only one or two times in each of our lives when some one real special comes along and brightens our path. It's usually when we're younger and it really knocks you for a loop. The fortunate ones are those who recognize this very special person and they do all the right things in all the right ways with the result being they become life long partners. Most of us get over eager and put so much pressure on the relationship that they smother it.

I know that's what I did to my special friend 30+ years ago. I was lucky enough to have stayed in touch over the decades even though we haven't seen each other for 30 years. That reminds me I need to get an e-mail off to her soon.

And I am real fortunate to have found that wonder of wonders not too long ago but being so much later in life there are complications which prevent it from becoming the romance I wished it to be. But there is at least a friendship still happening though my desires get in the way and cause me to do stupid things which inevitably result in mini-wars!

And even though we both end up saying we're sorry and swallowing our pride resulting in the friendship continuing out of it all there is that constant desire, at least on my part, that holds me prisoner. Even though I know it could never be I still can't shake the hope deep inside of me that the greatest of miracles will take place and the story will end happy for me. I look at it from her point of view and see how much sacrifice would be taken by her. And then I feel selfish, ashamed and dismayed. Just to fulfill my dreams she would loose her's and I know I must say good-bye. It will never happen no matter how many miracles are involved. It wasn't meant to be and that breaks my heart to pieces and brings tears to my eyes. She may be perfect in all the ways I want but I was just the lucky one who brought a gift to her heart. Somehow she saw me like I wanted to be. But in fact I proved how flawed I was not living up to my own standards and growing weak and weary as the days turned to weeks and months moved to years. Never will I conquer her doubts and ride off in the sunset at my side. I'm ill prepared for that burden of love. And my years have taken tolls that I may never repay. 

I still cling to that friendship because I can't let go and my desires won't let me. So after a short period of feeling like a teenager (and acting like one, too!) the friendship still lives but so do my desires. So I will continue to be friends and always hold onto a bit of that magic in my heart hoping that some day it will become the romance of romances. It's the next best thing, I suppose, to let what's in my heart create a fantasy that I wish were reality. I'm sure this will result in some future problems but for now it's my solution. It's a dream I will keep in my heart and I pray every day it will become the dream come true and bring an end to my blues.

But the real that wins out every time is that I must say good-bye to her soon if I want a chance to be free. There's nothing here mine except the memories and the dream...

.

I'm tired and I'm lonely...

February 2, 2014

And I'm Stupid...

No other way to say it. I'm definitely stupid. Its the only explanation that fits like a glove. Insanity is my single most compelling argument to have any chance of defending myself- even from myself. Why else would I be considering another trip to nowhere...

Its a great little journey through familiar territory but you have to return soon because there is nowhere left open or available to lodge at. But the meals are great and the quiet is deafening.

The blood is still red even in...

February 1,2014

A Black Heart...

For someone to pull what you did last night is sad. If your the kind of woman who would do something like you did to hurt someone's feelings or even to just give the illusion of with the intent of hurting someone's feelings then I want nothing to do with you. I guess I should have known better. Look what we do? And it doesn't even matter to you... 

Didn't it occur to you that I could tell...

February 1, 2014

You Were Stinking Of Yourself...

Last night it was noticable that you were stinking of yourself... And you  thought I wouldn't notice. And you were so drunk you didn't know either.    Nor remember the events leading up to it. It is no wonder your story about how you never did before this and count the total on one hand may have been the truth kinda bent.