Honest Feelings...

Not much good inside me today. Trying to be positive and believe that a miracle is possible. But I have so much anger broiling inside. Despair rules my feelings right now. I have no dreams. No ambitions. No hope. And I want hope. I'm not ready for my life to end. But I feel it getting near now. And it will be painful. And I'm scared...

Merry Christmas...

Only a few hours until Christmas. I'm trying to keep a positive outlook but as my life continues to crumble and after having a year of it stolen from me I'm left with a mess to deal with to clear it up and now I find out that I have lung cancer. I have a large mass in my right lung partially blocking my air path and there's a danger of my lung collapsing. I now know the sharp pain I have in my back between my shoulder blades is the mass attached to my lung. I guess there are things they can do but I haven't felt much positive from the doctors. My dad and my oldest sister had part of their lungs removed. Most likely that's gonna be my future. Well, Merry Christmas and hope I get to the New Year...

Gonna Be Trouble...

I don't know why but I sense there is going to be a major confusion soon and I sure would rather it was avoided. But I know that there is little chance of that taking place. So prepare for the storm.

I wonder if it will take place at the Capital Christian Center. A show down with God would be a nice fix. But it would probably get real ugly real fast.

Our maybe it will be on the road. Our it could be at a meeting. Or at the store. Or maybe it will be right I her front yard. The possibilities are many and the outcome is sure to be controversial.

So I won't give it any more thought. Just play it by ear. All I can do...

All Things Aside...

I don't care anymore how correct my assessments may be our whether that bitch had stopped get drinking or drug use. The fact is out isn't her substance abuse that flaws her character. It is the substance of her character - or lack thereof - that flaws her person. She lied and continues to do so. She caused great harm to innocent people because of her lies and chicken shit actions and abuse of the system. And she had made absolutely no effort to correct those wrongs. She proves work that alone that she isn't working a12 step anything. She puts on a front that nobody believes and thinks she is fooling everyone. But everyone knows she's a fake and she can't be trusted in any way. She has nobody on her side out in her corner except a child molester drunk who's as big a phony as her. Maybe a surprise should await them when they show up at church. Expose the liars in front of the congregation and let them try to lie out of that. On the spot and forced to confess all, holding back nothing. Pictures, video, text messages, hotel records, everything put out there for the entire assembly of Christians to know what they are. And it's not that they committed multiple sins but that they continue while lying to everyone. Go and sin no more, Jesus said. But continue and be lost forever. Jesus doesn't return to save anyone but to judge and remove the liars from among the righteous. Could make for an interesting sermon in action v some Sunday soon. Maybe they could serve lunch to the children. Or more likely there will be a barbeque and add they burn at the stake marshmallows could be toasted and some Jiffy Pop could get shaken over the flames. I just want to know that there will be much pain and suffering and screams as it happens. After all. It's not like it would be a "human" sacrifice...

In All Honesty..

To be totally honest about my state of mind and the angst I am dealing with I can't help but feeling that a lot of the turmoil is due to the fact that there are residual feelings that keep eating away at me. It's not that I'm still blinded by some idiotic live for her because I've come to know that she is not a good person by any means. In fact, she is one of the most evil creatures I've ever encountered. It had to do with her incessant lies and total void of honesty. Everything she does is a front for her real agenda. She doesn't go to AA to stop drinking but to cover for her drunk escapades that became public. She doesn't go to church because she believes I'm God and wants His salvation. It's to cover for her great sins and continued dalliances. She talks tough on drug abuse and will admit to a relapse but the fact is she never quite just got better at hiding it. She'll jump on the family first thing but the only thing she puts first in family is that they are the first ones she'll burn. She's sure that family and unconditional live will always forgive her. But maybe she sees now that that may not be true. I know its not true on her end.

But for some reason there was someone special inside her at times that I was sure was the real her. Apparently I was way wrong. As it stands it appears that that was her greatest lie. Not one bit of it was true. But she had been building these facades for so long that she has become a matter at deceit. Maybe she even deceives herself sometimes.

So I'm stuck in this mire of rubbish that is my life and know that the most blame is hers for the easy she did things and the magnitude of the assault. Blown easy out of proportion all in an effort to preserve her evil agenda and continue to manipulate and malign to achieve her warped goals add she likes down at everyone like from a place she doesn't belong. Perched on a pedestal instead of cashed like a banshee and kept a safe distance from the human race.

Yet it always concludes with the same feelings in my gut that are hated and remorse, anger and frustration and a sad empty feeling left in me because I'm still amazed that there are people in the world that are truly sociopaths that should be locked up to keep the rest of us from having to suffer from the wrongs they commit on us. In a perfect world she would be tarred and feathered and stoned to death while Moses beats her with his stick/serpent and the angels would sing "Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead". Is it Kansas yet? Where's Dorothy when you need her?

No Way To Forget...

I hate that this mess she had perpetuated is still hanging on me and won't let me go. I hate that it has left me full of hatred and resentment. It's one thing that she was jerking me around all the time and never meant a word she said and definitely never cared one iota about me in any way, shape or form. It's that she pulled this fucking stunt to end it by getting the RO and then baiting me with her phone calls then calling the DA. And hacking my Google account and turning in text messages from a phone number she controlled and constantly shut off on me. Not to mention the fact that she was fucking the child molester all along. And had the nerve to sucker his wife into her lie about me. That shows her evil and also the poor excuse of a human being his wife is. So spun on alcohol and pain pills she didn't know what she was doing. And where were the pain pills coming from? The Chester! The drug dogs could sniff out his stash and haul his ass to jail. But that would require the cops to actually investigate something. They would rather harass the homeless or manufacture crimes to pin on someone. Bunch of crap. Why believe the old adage that good always wins in the end. It doesn't. It keeps getting stomped asking the way and can't survive to the end. So Fuck the bastards. I hate them, too...

It's Just Evil...

I am forever reminded that the things she did and continues to do are just plain evil. Her marriage is a sham that she claims is a "paper only" marriage and that she got married to make it look like she had a stable home to get custody of her grandson. And that she married him "so her daughter wouldn't win" and her jealousy of her daughter is so obvious when they are together.

And she has no respect for anyone yet thinks she should be respected above all others. But everything she does makes respecting her impossible. She demands to be the center of attention while putting everyone down as unworthy of hers. She wants to be the big shot who can do whatever she wants and with impunity.

She doesn't hesitate to tell a total lie and do it as she claims to have decided to follow Jesus. And goes to church and feels no shame for the lifestyle she leads completely opposite to what Jesus taught. Thinks she is morally superior to anyone and everyone and looks down her nose at the world as if she has been successful at life when, in fact, she had used everyone to get where she is. And where she is is still a long way from the top of anything. Not to mention she had to look over her shoulder constantly and worry about the consequences of her actions catching up to her.

I am so angry that she had so far gotten away with what she did to me that I'm ready to go postal at times. She needs to be held accountable for her lies and foul actions and loose everything. And have everyone turn their backs on her like she has done to anyone who tried to help her. Find herself all alone with nothing and see if she can climb out of her mess. As she ages and can't just rely on laying on her back to get by. Make up can only soften the ugliness she exudes.

She's nothing but a parasite and her lies become apparent soon. And when she loses her meal ticket she'll have to support herself. And that won't be easy on disability. After she realizes that the world sees her much different than she thinks and that there is nobody left to lie to I'm thinking it will be too late and she'll just have to rot away behind a dumpster. How fitting that would be...