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Tuesday, March 31, 2015

It's hard to believe she's the same person

I find it hard to believe that she's the same person I got to know a year and s half ago. The same person that used to being me a glass of water when I was working in her yard and stand there with her grandson with a big smile and talk about anything and everything. The same person who wanted to know everything about me and who went wild when we kissed on the garage. The same person who would IM me or text me letting me know she'd never felt this way before and later how she'd never had that happen multiple times and never at all orally... Or how she wanted me to park my motor home and then my van up by her house so she could see me. Or how she would text me constantly and worry that I was taking to long to get back to her. Or send the texts telling me she missed me or what she wanted me to come do to her. And suddenly she never wants to see me ever again. How does one go to such extremes? There is more wrong than she lets on. Much more...

All I can say for sure is she did a number on me and its made me hate her. And I had to fight back with weapons I don't like to use. I had to turn her in to authorities and expose what she is doing to her husband. And her grandson. And what she did illegally to her house. And what her new boyfriend is doing to his children, according to his wife. And he acts the part. He fits the profile. Well its going to all explode on her now. It's not going to go well and I think she's going to be in serious trouble because of it. But she got me in serious trouble and I wasn't guilty of a thing. And looking at her past record I think she's been on this trouble before. And I can't be concerned with what will happen ton her. She wasn't concerned with my well being so I can't be concerned either. I just know that it appears she is guilty of some serious offenses and I don't think she can lie her way out of them now. I know she had stated her concern about being investigated last year so I think she should be much more worried about things now. It's too bad. It didn't have to go this way. But she wouldn't be honest and now it's going to bite her. Looks like the end is really close. Too close for comfort.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Stress takes toll..

I now am getting worried about my health as my blood pressure is dangerously high. I had a reading of 190/95 and 180/88. Then yesterday it was down a bit at 170/80 which is still too high as normally it was 120 to 135/65 to 75. Occasionally I would get a 110/60 or something like that. I know I've eaten a lot of junk food and too many coke and Slurpee's and I smoked and use too much salt. But I quit smoking January 1st and my salt intake has been reduced. I would have thought it would be lower by now.

My body hurts a lot more these days and, yes, I'm getting older but it seems to have gotten a lot worse lately to a greater degree. I'm worried and naturally that adds stress which increases blood pressure. And my depression has increased ten fold and I don't know what to do about that. I need to see a doctor and have a thorough check up. Another major hurdle that will consume time and energy. I know getting my teeth next week will help a lot. Being able to smile again will be nice. I just need s something to smile about...

Getting some actual closure with the psycho woman would do the most good but I don't see that in the near future. 

There are also those growths that are a problem even though the jail doctor said they weren't serious. I don't think he was seriously a doctor either. Not a very good one that is.

Well my best chance at getting some relief is to have the judge look at the evidence and pulling this restraining order off of me and maybe putting it on her. I don't even care if it is put on her I just want it off of me so I can go back to my neighborhood and see my friends and do the work for my old neighbors that I once did. Something going my way for once and not some liar's way would put the smile back on my face. I'm tired of having a scowl on my face like the one she has all the time.

It's no use...But I felt it one more time...

I just read it again and it confirms what I said then...

I get lost in my emotions at times and have to react. I guess because I want hope that this mess will be fixed and I can get on with my life not her consumed by the anger and outrage that is a result of how things were done. I know there will never be a happy ending to this story. There never could be. But I really thought it would come to pass in a lovely, emotional farewell where 2 people who shared a special time and took those memories into their old age to warm their soul's on cold winter nights. I really felt it would be a parting of the ways that would still stay in touch by text and occasional talk where the friendship that once existed would keep us bound and bonded in a greater way. I know that once she played a song sung in Spanish that talked of how 2 lovers would be forever connected even when apart. And I must end this now because the tears are flowing and I can't see my words any more. So I say goodbye my love even though I know my words will never be heard by her. Still I say them in hope that she will somehow feel them like she once shared so much when we were apart.  I knew it was over but couldn't accept it ending in hatred and animosity. I still hope for a healing even though I doubt it will happen. I can never listen to George Strait sing Cross My Heart. And maybe I don't believe in the Magic anymore...

Please come to your senses...

Please get your head out of your ass. You can't be that cold and uncaring. Listen to the song. Remember how you felt. Don't kill this like you are. Wake up and remember. Cross your heart...

As I look around...

As I am out on the streets and have contact with the homeless youngsters out wandering aimlessly I wonder what they hope their lives will become. Most of them are smoking crystal and dumpster diving all night and have no ambition top get a job or go to school. And I wonder what they think their future will be like. Do they ever see themselves living in a house or apartment? They can't be satisfied living like they do but they aren't doing anything to improve their situation. They are just existing from day to day. I know how difficult it's been for me trying to get a job and find a place to live. I was able to stay on my property for a couple of years and that was fine to a point, at least with the motor home to live in. And of out wasn't for some bitch and her evil games I had a job that I could have earned enough to pay rent and I'd found a room to rent in the neighborhood that would let me have Xz.  I had worked hard to get the job and things were looking up top start the New Year off. Until she did a number on me and had me arrested. She is the one who should be locked up. Elder abuse, exposing a minor to her immoral behavior, fucking a child molester, committing perjury on court papers to get a restraining order. All serious matters. And I'm guilty of what? Getting upset with her evil ways. Sending her emails. Wow! Dangerous stuff...

And it was her who got physically violent more than one time. And she will never admit it. Except if you look at her criminal history you see she has a past full of violence. I know I never attacked her or stabbed her or hit her with a mop handle. The fact that she so easily lies about those things shows what kind of person she is. Not a very good one. I'm sure she came out to California to escape her past behavior. And on arrival she got a DUI right out of the gate. She really had me g fooled that she was a respectable human being but I see now I was wrong. Way wrong...

Saturday, March 28, 2015

I don't like this feeling...

I have to say I don't like this feeling I'm suffering in. The anger and hurt from the lies and the foul treatment I got from her. She did things that were wrong and she knows it but instead of admitting it she denies everything and puts on this phoney act.

And here again I'm looking for a job...

I'm mostly angry because here I am, looking for a job again. I had found one that suited my needs just perfrect but a psycho nut liar had to be hateful and landed me in jail twice this year and now I'm stuck looking for another one. I'm going to make sure she looses any job she tries to work in. Just bringing her past record to the attention of any employer should be enough. But I'll do more just to ensure she doesn't work. She's on a fraudulent disability leave now but that will end as well. She has turned out to be the most evil pile of shit I ever encountered. And I'm sorry I ever met her. And I a think of no one else in my life that I feel that way about. That's sad. Really sad.

Friday, March 27, 2015

I hate her...

I've done everything I can to try and forgive her for what she has done but I can't seem to get over the hatred I have g towards her. Her attitude and all the fucking lies and the stupid games. The psycho attitude and the mood swings and the restraining order. All the bull shit she throws out there. And blaming her behavior on drugs and alcohol. Some what but not for an entire year. And it's that she plays this frightened  woman thing up and makes it look like I'm some monster out to get her. She's the one that acted like a monster and physically assaulted me more than once. Even stabbing me in the cheek with a knife. And it was her that mislead me from the first time we met. She said John L was her "ex" husband. And then it was a paper marriage. Just do she could get custody of her grandson. All kinds of excuses and a million reasons for everything she did. It just gets down to the fact that she did nothing but lie and lie and lie some more. And then the restraining order to hide the real reason which was she was fucking a child molester. And that jammy changed. All of her phoney found God bull shit. And the AA charade. I know God will get her for it all. But I want it now so I can watch her fry. Because I hate her that much. And I want her to hurt as much as I did. And that's a lot...

Still angry and getting more so...

I ask still angry for what that worthless cunt has done and I get more so everyday. I want my vengeance and I want it now. I want her exposed for all she is and did top me. The lies and all the bull shit. Just looking at her criminal record is enough to make me ill. What a worthless being. She has been a leach on society for ever. She is nothing but a parasite. She has never accomplished anything except latch on to a meal ticket. She has never worked her way out of anything. She uses whoever she can to get a free ride. What a worthless human being. Nothing but a bag whore. A street tramp who runs away and leaves her mess for others. And does damage to anyone she comes on contact with. Nothing but a worthless slut. Phoney as ever. Time for her to hit bottom. Crash and burn...

What I really think...

I have too be honest and say what I really think. I feel she is one of the biggest piles of low life shit I've ever encountered in my life. She's a worthless slut with no morals and she avoids the truth at all costs. She will lie and deny it even when she's caught red handed. She cares about no body and has no ethics. She is the epitome of evil. She is  2 faced and displays multiple personalities. There is no substance only image. She'll turn on you in a second. She'll break every promise and her word means nothing. It means nothing to her about your feelings. She will make an excuse for everything to justify all she does. She'll lie and never come clean. She is the scum of the earth. And she will never change. She will die that way because she knows no other.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Vengeance needs satisfaction...

There is no other way to look at it but she is s such a total piece of shit that has screwed me over so bad that I won't be happy until she suffers a huge personal loss. I don't care what out is but it has to be major in order to satisfy my need for vengeance. I don't care how many times I've prayed for this anger to be taken from me but it returns soon and I know it won't stay away until I know she has suffered a great loss. I know she should be locked up in a mental institution where she can't cause anyone harm. She is a fucking nut case and she doesn't care what kind of damage she inflicts. And I think her family knows how dangerous she is but they don't reel her in. They just sit back and watch. It's sad. And it needs to be stopped. Now...

Criminal Record...

I just ran a criminabackground check on someone who sure has me tangled up in the legal system. What a worthless piece of shit. Theft, drugs, complicity, dui, petty theft, and on and on. And some not that long ago. She wanted me to believe that was in her long ago past. She didn't relapse. She never quit. I'm sorry but she's just doing the as always. And she'll drag anyone down to save her ass. I feel sorry for her. Really I do. But she must be stopped. And she will be...

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Was it a loss or really a win?

I know I lost something that I'd felt was so great. I know I felt she was my best friend for a while. But I was too trusting in all that she said. Her actions didn't live up to anything she said. With her it was all talk and just an image portrayed. There never was any substance and never did she try to make me feel secure in any way. She would lie about anything and not blink an eye. I can't believe I let her twist me around her finger when I should have snapped it off and shoved the nub up her ass. But she would have liked that. She was so phoney but I didn't want to see that. Its time to put it right and bring her down until it hurts. She should be in jail and she knows it. And if there is a God she will be and it should happen because I believe there is.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Such a sad ending should never have been...

There was no reason for the way she ended things. Not one exude can explain why she chose to kill it like she did. It has left me so bitter and full of anger that just eats me up inside. Gotta have some serious moments issues to pull off such a stunt. Gotta have some serious issues playing their part.

Monday, March 23, 2015

Why is she so cold?

How can she be so cold and uncaring after spending a year trying to keep me close and dominating my entire life? It makes no sense. No attempt to talk to me. No concern as to how I'm doing. Only hatred and contempt. You sure had me fooled. I would never have believed it. And I just want to let it go but all the questions haunt me and no answers prevents me from letting go. I never thought you'd turn on me. But you fix.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Time still running away...

Time runs out... http://nuklearneukam.blogspot.com/2014/02/time-runs-out.html

Mu best friend...

I know I hurt because for a year she was my best friend. I know she felt the same way. And overnight she changed into a nightmare. No reason and no explanation. From wanting  me to be with her constantly to never wanting to see me ever again. Way extreme. And doing things to intentionally hurt me. Telling complete lies. Someone has to tell me why. It is insane. And that is the only thing that rings true.

I can't let it go...

Time after time I have asked God to remove my anger and forgive her but it soon creeps back into my thoughts and makes me feel the pain all over again. I try over and over yet it won't stay away. Please God, just crush her and get it over with. I don't want her draining my energy anymore. I hate her. I really do...

She is cruel...

She intentionally means to hurt me, that's the part I just don't get. She is so cold hearted and goes out of her way to cause pain. She lies more than she tells the truth. I really do wish she would disappear. I know we will never talk again. She will never say she's sorry. She doesn't give a shit about anyone. But I want to see karma come down upon her and destroy her. I want to see the look of despair in her eyes. I want her world turned upside down and she ends up with nobody and nothing and she will know what it feels like. That's my prayer. That her evil destroys herself. Then I'll be able to let go. Then I'll know God is real. Until that happens, I won't give up exposing all of her evil to the world. She is foul. And a poison to mankind.

Friday, March 20, 2015

She's mentally challenged...

I think the only explanation that fits and has to be true is that she is plagued with mental issues deeper than the ocean and chemicals just magnify her problems. And I think she knows she has a problem but will never fully address it. I think she puts up a front to make it appear she had gotten sober but too many trips to the liquor store don't add up. She makes a lot of bold claims but her actions say just the opposite. Anybody who would call the sheriff as much as she has over nothing is a evil, vile bitch. I don't care if I sent 6 thousand messages a day if you don't want them block them. And when you have called me numerous times then you don't have the right to complain. Your a 2 faced nut case and have no reason to blame me for anything. I was the one who was lies to, used, physically attacked, etc. You really deserve having your ass kicked good. But im not the one to do it. You really should be locked in a cell. Maybe even shock treatment or a fucking lobotomy... And you shouldn't have custody of your grandson, that's for damned sure. It's only obvious he's learned your habit of telling lies and tall tales. You have a habit of trashing others' lives and walking away unscathed. You may not be so lucky this time.

Why the hatred?

I just can't understand why all the hatred she is so full of. I did nothing to hurt her and endured all that she did to me. And then she decides to get clean and sober and the result is a hateful person. When people get off drugs and alcohol they generally become better human beings. But she became a pile of shit. Go figure...

Thursday, March 19, 2015

How to loose the memory...

I just want the memory of her to go away. How can someone spend a year as close as we were and then turn on that person and lie and twist and cause someone so many problems. And refuse to talk to them or write them. And never want to see them ever again. Ever... I don't get it. A brain warped bitch. She should be locked in a cage. I just have to hate her. What choice do I have?

What a shame to cause this pain...

I am left with nothing but questions as to why anyone would treat someone the way she had me. And her legal bull shit prevents me from going in the neighborhood I've jerk in for almost 60 years. So I have to waste time going to the courts to get relief. This from someone who looked me in the eyes on a Friday and said she couldn't believe how much she loved me and the following Friday she decides to get a restraining order. And after surgery I'm the first person she calls and the only number she can remember. But she won't admit it to anyone. And it makes me hate her for the pain I still feel. And I don't want to but what else can I do? How does she live with herself?

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

And I'm mad at myself...

What pisses me off the most is that I can't free my thoughts of her. And that I miss her so much. It's stupid considering all that she's done to me in the last 6 months. Yet still I miss her and hope she will show up to see me. And then I want to shoot myself for being so stupid. But what about her stupidity?  It didn't have to end so ugly. It should have ended as friends, special friends that connected on a rare level. But she killed it and all the magic, too. Cross my heart...

Why? Tell mgr l me why?

There is one big problem that has me list and unable to clear my mind of her. And that is why she did all this bull shit to me including sending me to jail 3 times,  2 of the times were 30 days each. I did nothing to deserve that. Nothing. And all the lies  about me attacking her. What kind of twisted mind does that? None of it makes any sense. Yet look at the mess she made of my life. All because of what? That's all I want to know. Is that asking too much? I think not. So I guess the only way I'll get the answers is in court. And I am taking her to court. I am pressing charges and talking her to civil court. And looking at her criminal record I see she is no prize. And the evil in her eyes and the empty in her soul is more real than I ever wanted to believe.

She needs to be locked up...

How I was fooled by her lies and poison. All the bull  drama she filled my life with for over a year. And because of this fucking restraining order the drama continues. What a misplaced ego. To think that its all about her. She needs to take her immoral life and fly away. Look at her record and see she is repeating her past behavior. But this time I'm going to the DA and the judge with all off her past and exposing her for the cheap whore she is. She won't ever admit the truth so I will bring it to light. 2003 Domestic Violence with prison time for beating her own daughter. Drug convictions, violence crimes, burglary, evading arrest, etc. And she is working around children? Trying to say she relapsed for a moment and now she's all better. It's not a relapse if you never quit. The hair has the record. Test it...

Monday, March 16, 2015

Feeling Sorry For Her ...

But her evil has caused more damage than it's worth.  I'm now forced to start over and search for a job. And somehow I have to get up to my sister to help in any way necessary. I can't believe a person could be so evil and bring such burden to add to my yoke. I had found a good job and I felt 2015 was gonna be the best or better!!!
But her evilmadness has struck twice so far. This may require a silver dagger strategically placed...

Sunday, March 15, 2015

I just don't get I it...

I was crushed by the ways she brought about our complete and total demise. That it would end in a hate war. That she could exude such passion towards me when we would be close and then spray toxic poison that would kill all love and dash hope. With a kind heart and a smidgen of concern it could have been that epic romance that quietly slips away from the limelight and leaves us both with fond memories and a bond between our hearts that would last for eternity.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

I don't want the negative it created

I never wanted the negative that she brought upon me. At first it was all positive. But over time the insanity became overwhelming. And I don't want to be critical of her. But my God, look at her actions, her past history, her repeated behavior. Her totally uncalled for actions. Her out and out lies.

There was a time I considered her a true and rare friend. My best friend. Others saw it too. But I wasn't prepared for the multiple personalities. Wow hell no. One didn't even know the others. And none of them will acknowledge that there are others. And her family knows but hides the secret even when some new victim is getting bombarded and initiated. Subtle  hints aren't enough. Hit me with a bat for Christ's sake. Hints are when you got bad breath. Or mints.

Friday, March 13, 2015

Really know what an insane liar is...

I can say now without a shadow of doubt that I must have lost my fucking mind to have had any feelings for that wet brain dope smoker. Wow... to cause me so much trouble when the fucking truth would have ended and not even allowed most of it to happen. Wow. I didn't believe people like that even existed let alone were in my life and twisting their evil web upon me. I was I love with a total lie. A phoney of the most complete kind. I am saddened to know she has no soul. Not a drop of the love of Jesus has ever touched her. I pray that in time He will reach her but I doubt it will happen. I only know that I have forgiven her and pray she will turn to God in earnest desire before her fate becomes the burning pit of fire and she causes any one else to be ing condemned to hell. I praise God for bringing me through the valley of the shadow of death and my faith is restored as I know He loves me and I am at peace inside knowing I didn't do anything wrong. I can understand every word written in the book of Job. Praise the Lord. Praise the Lord... Amen